INVADE OR SEND IN AID, THERES NO DIFFERENCE TO THE GOOD OL U.S.

After the horrific eartquakes that hammered the hell out of Haiti the other week, people still manage to survive ,even though there was a terrible loss of life, illness and injury and streets full of rubble and rubbish; A goverment totally useless and unable or unwilling to help its people....Basically at the end of the day the standard of living post disaster isn't that much different than it was before. The main shock to the world is that people ignored the place when it was a poverty stricken shit hole, but now its gained a bit of respectability being a disaster zone it has the eyes and attention of the world on it for now, anyhow. Pop stars that most Haitians have been fortunate enough never to have heard and movie stars they've never seen, and , of course Cheryl Cole and Simon Cowell, who even the Haitians know. They've all got together to have give a hand and be sincere. Stars and politicians(which are very similar creatures in the U.S.) spoke of rebuilding Haiti, giving the locals work; rebuilding the infrastructure and industry, imports and exporting produce ,etc, etc. All very nice and sincere, but stuff that Haiti never had or did in the first place.

Aid workers powered in from all over the place and did their best, as did the U.S. But even the locals as well as all the other countries were angered and upset the way the US took over 'the show', as the military literally invaded the island. The US have a long history of sending aid and 'security advisors' to help protect , help and police foreign reigions, its just getting them to go home after thats the tricky bit.

THE PRO'S N' CONS OF REAL FALSE FOOTS AND REAL ARTIFICIAL ARMS !

Now that ,'I'm a celebrity, x-Factor and all the rest of the shit on the box that makes life so worth living is over for now, except for Big Brother, but nobody actually watches that, do they? but now as we're 15 feet in snow drifts the 'finger on the pulse' telly execs give us celebrity ice skating. The main reason i dont like the ice skating is because whenever they show the skaters crashing to the ice, my arse twitters and my teeth grind as it makes me cringe seeing people fall on ice. The other thing that makes me cringe is seeing people hit with cricket balls. I've suffered injuries from ice and cricket balls and still get the oral and anal clenches when i see it happen on the telly. So the forthcoming weekends are going to be periods of tension for me as celebrities go arse over tit left right n' centre.

One of the celebrities is the ex-Mrs McCartney, probably not the most popular of people ,but trying for the public vote with smiles and dancing, good luck to her, esspecially as she's only got one foot. She can't win as i've already heard people commenting on how the foot will be a handicap ,but she's using it as an excuse to stay in the competition, a little unfair, i think, but people will think the worst of celeb's, all part of the job, m'dearies.

But whose to say she wont go all the way. I've seen and personally know people with false legs/feet. A member of my family lost his leg as a lad in the 50's, so his leg was a wooden heavy thing, but he still played Irish football and Hurling and still is very active. I have a wonderful picture of him doing the Can-Can, in a bar in Ireland at a funeral. He kicked his leg out and the foot went sailing across the lounge. The photo shows a mass of bog-eyed drinkers watching this flying foot. I must point out ,it was deliberatly loosened, he's a lad is 'our Sean.' But the handicap never handicapped him.

When i 'were nobbut a lad', i used to see all the film baddies; Ersnt stavro Blofeld; Dr No; Dr Strangelove; Mr Han, from 'Enter the dragon', they all had false hands ,and some used to have one hand in a leather glove, which i thought looked great, so i could often be seen with one glove on. A few of the baddies hands could crush bricks, except Mr Han who used to unscrew his hand off and replace it with various weapons like a tigers claw, or a knife hand, to cut chunks out of Bruce Lee in the hall of mirrors at the end of Enter the dragon. There was also an excellent comic strip called 'The Steel Claw', and i really fancied having a steel artificial hand. On the whole i think i'll stick with my god-given extremities, at least until cybernetic technology is up to the level where i can become the Six Million Dollar man for a few bob less.

ANY DAY NOW THEY'LL LIGHT THE RED TOUCH PAPER! AND GIVE RAFA THE ROCKET!

Every cloud has a silver lining ,for a cartoonist anyhow. Liverpool have had one ,if not the worst season in their history. Only last night being beaten by Reading of all people, at Anfield !(sob).....In fact Reading looked the better side and Liverpool looked the first division side instead of the great premiership side they should be. But on the plus side i can reuse my Rafa getting the' rocket' cartoon again. With his American chairmens launching him, as thats what yanks're good at launching things. In this case from Cape Anfield, has the countdown started.

GLOBAL CATASTROPHE, WILL IT BE GLOBAL WARMING; GLOBAL TERRORISM, OR GLOBAL ELVIS IMPERSONATORS???

During mankinds tenure upon this planet he has gone through various changes, mutated, evolved if you like. Standing upright, loss of body hair (which was alright ,but could've stopped when it came as far as the head, body fur ,well thats ok, but the old bald patches up top, now that was nature and evolution at their most petty.). The apes snout becoming a nose and mouth. The bright red monkey bum breaking up into smaller piles. But this evolution hasn't stopped yet. In the next decade a vast one third of the worlds population will develop swivel hips, on the way to evolve into wobbly bellies; Strangely gangly swinging knees; Highly curlable sneering top lips; Impossibly high greasy quiffs, with long wide sideburns. Language will undergo a change also, as a strong midwestern American twang type dialect prevails and phrases such as, "Well thank yuh very much ladies n' gentl'm'n... Ooh,Hoh!" and references to how you don't look like nuthin' like a'Hound dog', wich is important in the world of Elvis, apparently.... Dress will evolve as collars will be as high as the head and a form of jump suit with rhinestones and big belt buckles and a small cape will be the wardrobe of choice.



This is the dawn of the ELVIS PRESLEY IMPERSONATOR....Apparently ,there was some news report along the lines of:"When Elvis was alive, there was only a hundred or so impersonators, but now since his death the number is into hundreds of thousands, or something. But by the end of this new decade 2020(god, only 10 years away.)....At this rate of growth...ONE THIRD OF THE WORLDS POPULATION WILL BE ELVIS IMPERSONATORS!!!!! I thought that was the best news item of the year....But i can't help wondering what percentage of the other two thirds left will be, MICHAEL JACKSON IMPERSONATORS?

ONLY A FEW DAYS INTO THE NEW DECADE AND I'M SITTING SURROUNDED BY THE BROKEN REMAINS OF MY NEW YEAR/DECADE RESOLUTIONS.....

Yep!...I'm back, its only been a decade since last we spoke, so you probably haven't even noticed my absence as you recover from the festive session of sinful debauchery and overindulgence I'm proud of you, my children. So, as all you fellahs have got to squeeze all the new socks n' undies in to the bulging drawers full of socks n' undies from last year. And you ladies steal some more of that precious cupboard space for all them nice trendy cloths you got. Women never get knickers n' tights, no, they get nice things like cloths n' jewellery. Ah, such is the mans lot, be it the festive season or not ,to suffer to keep our ladies happy.
Christmas is a lazy slobby time of year ,sitting stuffing your face with food drink and sweeties. I doubt many of you have even set foot outside into the frost, snow and cold in over a fortnight.With about 4 stone in weight added to your fine physiques ,its not just the cloths getting tighter, but there doesn't seem to be as much room on the setee either. A strange thing happens, you get a little restless watching the telly and being warm and cosy all the time. Your watching festive films busting with endlessly repeated adventure and excitment; joy and happiness beamed through the flattened cathode ray tube. And tear-jerking things like Noel Edmonds christmas present All these things build you up ,ready for that annual total waste of time ,The NEW YEAR RESOLUTION!!!!!... The films, etc make you decide."Right ,this year, i'm going to make this year as full and exciting and as enjoyable as i can!".......And Noel Edmunds will have you in tears, swearing blind that you are going to help charity , the poor and needy and you are there to help your fellow man. This one ,thankfully, lasts only a very short period, possibly 10 minutes or so.....Wipe the tear away, put the kettle on and watch HOLIDAY ON THE BUSES, or something. That'll bring you back to Earth. The resolution to have a 'whizz-bang exciting year', may take a little longer. This includes taking care of yourself; Going to the gymn;Packing in the fags; Laying off the pop, etc.....But, you swear to all the gods you follow 2010 will not be spent and wasted, sitting around and allowed to grind by, like most others.........
Its the first monday of the new year/decade and i'm sitting watching the telly with a mug of tea, haven't gone to the gymn, took the dog out,done any reading( Spiderman on the bog doesn't count ,i don't suppose?)......Not a lot of effort gone into the first few days, but theres plenty of time....Isn't there?