THE PRO'S N' CONS OF REAL FALSE FOOTS AND REAL ARTIFICIAL ARMS !

Now that ,'I'm a celebrity, x-Factor and all the rest of the shit on the box that makes life so worth living is over for now, except for Big Brother, but nobody actually watches that, do they? but now as we're 15 feet in snow drifts the 'finger on the pulse' telly execs give us celebrity ice skating. The main reason i dont like the ice skating is because whenever they show the skaters crashing to the ice, my arse twitters and my teeth grind as it makes me cringe seeing people fall on ice. The other thing that makes me cringe is seeing people hit with cricket balls. I've suffered injuries from ice and cricket balls and still get the oral and anal clenches when i see it happen on the telly. So the forthcoming weekends are going to be periods of tension for me as celebrities go arse over tit left right n' centre.

One of the celebrities is the ex-Mrs McCartney, probably not the most popular of people ,but trying for the public vote with smiles and dancing, good luck to her, esspecially as she's only got one foot. She can't win as i've already heard people commenting on how the foot will be a handicap ,but she's using it as an excuse to stay in the competition, a little unfair, i think, but people will think the worst of celeb's, all part of the job, m'dearies.

But whose to say she wont go all the way. I've seen and personally know people with false legs/feet. A member of my family lost his leg as a lad in the 50's, so his leg was a wooden heavy thing, but he still played Irish football and Hurling and still is very active. I have a wonderful picture of him doing the Can-Can, in a bar in Ireland at a funeral. He kicked his leg out and the foot went sailing across the lounge. The photo shows a mass of bog-eyed drinkers watching this flying foot. I must point out ,it was deliberatly loosened, he's a lad is 'our Sean.' But the handicap never handicapped him.

When i 'were nobbut a lad', i used to see all the film baddies; Ersnt stavro Blofeld; Dr No; Dr Strangelove; Mr Han, from 'Enter the dragon', they all had false hands ,and some used to have one hand in a leather glove, which i thought looked great, so i could often be seen with one glove on. A few of the baddies hands could crush bricks, except Mr Han who used to unscrew his hand off and replace it with various weapons like a tigers claw, or a knife hand, to cut chunks out of Bruce Lee in the hall of mirrors at the end of Enter the dragon. There was also an excellent comic strip called 'The Steel Claw', and i really fancied having a steel artificial hand. On the whole i think i'll stick with my god-given extremities, at least until cybernetic technology is up to the level where i can become the Six Million Dollar man for a few bob less.

BRUCE LEE...THE LUMPS ON HIS HEAD THEY DIDN'T SHOW IN ENTER THE DRAGON.

The other day the telly's normal terrestrial channel was showing a BRUCE LEE film..FISTS OF FURY. I had to laugh , as for years n' years the Bruce Lee films and Kung Fu films would never be shown on the telly. Even after his death and he was a legend, and everybody knew Bruce Lee and wanted to be Bruce Lee. The younger ones had never actually seen him in action as the films were X-rated and the telly would never show any 'kung fu' films.Eventually the video tape was invented and later the films were available to get hold of. And even if you did ,the bits that always got cut were the bits with the 'rice flails', or NUNCHUKAS. You remember them. The clubs with the chain connecting them that Brucie baby was whirling around his body before braining some baddie. Our glorious leaders and betters decided that showing the youthful hooligans of Britain these weapons would cause them all to hit the streets knocking seven bells outta each other with them. I t's simple as that , you walk into your local rice flail shop, buy one and start battering everybody with it, simple.... Oh no it's bloody not. Take it from someone who bought one. Walking home across some playing fields in the dark of the evening. I thought i would have a go with my brand new, chained and engraved hardwood nunchukas. So, i started swinging them around, then CLUNK!!!..I'd whacked myself over the head with the damn things. I fell to my knees clutching my cracked skull, but i managed to stifle my agonised scream to a pained groan, just in case anyone was around to see what a prick i was. Over the years i've been whacked with the damn things a couple of times, still no nearer to mastering the damn things. There, now smartarse politicians, you missed a chance there to get rid of your hooligans by letting them go out, spend their hard stolen money and brain themselves with these deadly weapons. I bet even Bruce Lee had a few good bumps from them, but they cut them from the final cut of the film. Theres only me to expose the truth, again. Where would you be without me, eh?

Actually i was a massive fan of BRUCE LEE..THE LITTLE DRAGON.. When i were' nobbut a lad'.I had posters and a book about him, all treasured possessions and i could tell you all about him, but i'd never seen him even move. As the films were X-Rated, i wasn't able to go. But we were in Ireland to stay with the family in a village called COOTEHILL amongst the bogs of co; Cavan. In a little village about 30 miles away on the pot-holed roads of County Cavan(thats where they invented pot-holes) called OLDCASTLE..They had a little fleapit cinema and they were showing 'ENTER THE DRAGON'. But you only had to be 16 to get in. So, me poor ol' dad was roped in to take me. We got to Oldcastle and in we went. In those days and at that age, the cinema was an event. I can still remember the excitment. The film started with Bruce Lee fighting in shorts and boxing gloves. But it was, "Oh my god, that's Bruce Lee".....I loved it and couldn't come back down to Earth for days. Even now i love that film. It may not be a film classic in the accepted understanding , maybe 2 or 3 stars out of 5 in the telly ratings on the telly page of the paper, but to me . I remember what it meant and still feel a little of that spark from years ago and thats enough for me and my dad quite enjoyed it too, god bless the old sod.