YOU CAN KEEP YOUR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE AND OSCAR WILDE N' ALL THEM CLEVER ONES ,WHAT WE WANT IS BOOKS WRITTEN BY ILLITERATE SCUM!.....

Ah England , my England ,land of SHAKESPEARE, OSCAR WILDE, CHAUCER,CHARLES DICKENS n' all them giants of literature I dont read 'em meself,of course as i'm still reading my e-comics. But i took a walk into a few bookshops the other week and couldnt believe the number of autobiographies from our beloved celebrities.Take for example,you may have heard of a lady called KATY PRICE/ JORDAN, whatever, she's only about 30, but she must have about 6 volumes of her autobiography. I came to the conclusion that every single person who appears on telly or radio or scribbles a word in a paper has a bloody autobiography out.And lest we forget ,every bloody'stand-up' comedian whose been famous since just before christmas, they've managed to pull out their fascinating life stories. I dont think i'll be jumping on the band wagon, banging out my auto biography for the simple reason , i cant remember about 90% of my fascinating life. So basically i dont think i'll make a fortune out of the total of three months i can dredge memories from over the last action-packed(i assume), 50 years of the wild, living on the edge(and quite often falling over that edge), life of ....MEEEE!!!!!......WILD TIM LEATHERBARROW. Anyhow ,just as well i cant remember 'cos if i did me mum'd kill me ,not to mention THE LOVELY LYNNE.

But the thing that fascinate me the most was this huge section devoted to the life stories of ,basically the scum of the Earth. Ex-reformed ,they're always ex's and always reformed....Various hooligans ,criminals ,football hooligans, murderers for the mob ,gang members ,drug dealers ,bank robbers, and plain old dispensers of the good ol' 'knuckle butty' for various gangs, .Theres the sweethearts who have affectionate nicknames like 'mad or crazy 'before their names. Theres the heartwarming tales of how some used to go around inserting knives and or bottles, into people: Of course theres the sweeties who took the more direct approach and blew them apart with various guns n' rifles: Psychotic bull-shitting gobshits who've lots of stories of booting shite outta some poor sod at the match ,waiting his turn from the other 50 or so scallies waiting patiently in line to crowd around and sink his steel toecaps into some poor curled heap on the ground: Multiple murderers who spend their time in solitary confinement pumping iron and when they're not doing that they're tatooeing themselves or getting married ,and writing books ,if they have enough time left in their busy schedule in maximum security. They are all general hardcases and you can tell as they'll all have a black and white picture of his shaven headed scowling face, of course on the cover of his literary tome.

Ah sod it ,i'm going back to my comics, i've given the MARVEL COMICS a good hammering and i'm now working through 3 cd's of THE ESSENTIAL BATMAN COMICS.....Ah life can be good.

BRUCE LEE...THE LUMPS ON HIS HEAD THEY DIDN'T SHOW IN ENTER THE DRAGON.

The other day the telly's normal terrestrial channel was showing a BRUCE LEE film..FISTS OF FURY. I had to laugh , as for years n' years the Bruce Lee films and Kung Fu films would never be shown on the telly. Even after his death and he was a legend, and everybody knew Bruce Lee and wanted to be Bruce Lee. The younger ones had never actually seen him in action as the films were X-rated and the telly would never show any 'kung fu' films.Eventually the video tape was invented and later the films were available to get hold of. And even if you did ,the bits that always got cut were the bits with the 'rice flails', or NUNCHUKAS. You remember them. The clubs with the chain connecting them that Brucie baby was whirling around his body before braining some baddie. Our glorious leaders and betters decided that showing the youthful hooligans of Britain these weapons would cause them all to hit the streets knocking seven bells outta each other with them. I t's simple as that , you walk into your local rice flail shop, buy one and start battering everybody with it, simple.... Oh no it's bloody not. Take it from someone who bought one. Walking home across some playing fields in the dark of the evening. I thought i would have a go with my brand new, chained and engraved hardwood nunchukas. So, i started swinging them around, then CLUNK!!!..I'd whacked myself over the head with the damn things. I fell to my knees clutching my cracked skull, but i managed to stifle my agonised scream to a pained groan, just in case anyone was around to see what a prick i was. Over the years i've been whacked with the damn things a couple of times, still no nearer to mastering the damn things. There, now smartarse politicians, you missed a chance there to get rid of your hooligans by letting them go out, spend their hard stolen money and brain themselves with these deadly weapons. I bet even Bruce Lee had a few good bumps from them, but they cut them from the final cut of the film. Theres only me to expose the truth, again. Where would you be without me, eh?

Actually i was a massive fan of BRUCE LEE..THE LITTLE DRAGON.. When i were' nobbut a lad'.I had posters and a book about him, all treasured possessions and i could tell you all about him, but i'd never seen him even move. As the films were X-Rated, i wasn't able to go. But we were in Ireland to stay with the family in a village called COOTEHILL amongst the bogs of co; Cavan. In a little village about 30 miles away on the pot-holed roads of County Cavan(thats where they invented pot-holes) called OLDCASTLE..They had a little fleapit cinema and they were showing 'ENTER THE DRAGON'. But you only had to be 16 to get in. So, me poor ol' dad was roped in to take me. We got to Oldcastle and in we went. In those days and at that age, the cinema was an event. I can still remember the excitment. The film started with Bruce Lee fighting in shorts and boxing gloves. But it was, "Oh my god, that's Bruce Lee".....I loved it and couldn't come back down to Earth for days. Even now i love that film. It may not be a film classic in the accepted understanding , maybe 2 or 3 stars out of 5 in the telly ratings on the telly page of the paper, but to me . I remember what it meant and still feel a little of that spark from years ago and thats enough for me and my dad quite enjoyed it too, god bless the old sod.