Wednesday, 26 January 2011

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE AND OSCAR WILDE N' ALL THEM CLEVER ONES ,WHAT WE WANT IS BOOKS WRITTEN BY ILLITERATE SCUM!.....


Ah England , my England ,land of SHAKESPEARE, OSCAR WILDE, CHAUCER,CHARLES DICKENS n' all them giants of literature I dont read 'em meself,of course as i'm still reading my e-comics. But i took a walk into a few bookshops the other week and couldnt believe the number of autobiographies from our beloved celebrities.Take for example,you may have heard of a lady called KATY PRICE/ JORDAN, whatever, she's only about 30, but she must have about 6 volumes of her autobiography. I came to the conclusion that every single person who appears on telly or radio or scribbles a word in a paper has a bloody autobiography out.And lest we forget ,every bloody'stand-up' comedian whose been famous since just before christmas, they've managed to pull out their fascinating life stories. I dont think i'll be jumping on the band wagon, banging out my auto biography for the simple reason , i cant remember about 90% of my fascinating life. So basically i dont think i'll make a fortune out of the total of three months i can dredge memories from over the last action-packed(i assume), 50 years of the wild, living on the edge(and quite often falling over that edge), life of ....MEEEE!!!!!......WILD TIM LEATHERBARROW. Anyhow ,just as well i cant remember 'cos if i did me mum'd kill me ,not to mention THE LOVELY LYNNE.
But the thing that fascinate me the most was this huge section devoted to the life stories of ,basically the scum of the Earth. Ex-reformed ,they're always ex's and always reformed....Various hooligans ,criminals ,football hooligans, murderers for the mob ,gang members ,drug dealers ,bank robbers, and plain old dispensers of the good ol' 'knuckle butty' for various gangs, .Theres the sweethearts who have affectionate nicknames like 'mad or crazy 'before their names. Theres the heartwarming tales of how some used to go around inserting knives and or bottles, into people: Of course theres the sweeties who took the more direct approach and blew them apart with various guns n' rifles: Psychotic bull-shitting gobshits who've lots of stories of booting shite outta some poor sod at the match ,waiting his turn from the other 50 or so scallies waiting patiently in line to crowd around and sink his steel toecaps into some poor curled heap on the ground: Multiple murderers who spend their time in solitary confinement pumping iron and when they're not doing that they're tatooeing themselves or getting married ,and writing books ,if they have enough time left in their busy schedule in maximum security. They are all general hardcases and you can tell as they'll all have a black and white picture of his shaven headed scowling face, of course on the cover of his literary tome.
Ah sod it ,i'm going back to my comics, i've given the MARVEL COMICS a good hammering and i'm now working through 3 cd's of THE ESSENTIAL BATMAN COMICS.....Ah life can be good.

5 comments:

john said...

Tim, I always enjoy reading your ramblings and couldn't agree more with what you have written.The sadder part is that people actually buy these bloody books!!!!! Ok back to me Beano....

Thud said...

I spent the best part of 30 yeaes working as a doorman with some of the individuals you mentioned and I have to say what a pleasure it was...honest. as for a biography I reckon with a push I could knock together a flimsy pamphlet featuring the highlights of my life.

Tim Leatherbarrow said...

Jamie Thud ,a bouncer, well i'll chew a knuckle butty!...Have you read a book by Dennis Martin about his days on the doors with Terry O'neil, et al in Liverpools fair city, ijust cant think of the bloody name ,but look on Amazon under Dennis Martin...He's a security consultant and bodyguard and writes for magazines , i think he got his break with O'neil's Fighting Arts mag in the 80's. By the way John i reccomend theRATZ strip in the Beano by my good mate Hunt Emerson....I was stunned last year when he had fart jokes in there ....FART JOKES IN THE BEANO,? eeeh we live in strange times.

Thud said...

Tim, I spent a couple of years training with Terry in Golds gym when I was a much younger chap.

Tim Leatherbarrow said...

I got me lumps when i trained at his Samurai gymn ,when he hadit in Victoria street. Then the lure of the big screen and a shocking knee injury put the kibosh on that. I carried on training there for a while ,but without 'the big man' there it wasnt the same and it closed fairly soon after.