Monday, 23 August 2010

THE BONZO DOG DOO DAH CAR ALARM BAND

(car alarms in perfect harmony.)
Even though we live in violent, crime ridden n' riddled times and towns, its not all bad. We're protected by whats left of the police force. We have modern day 'dads army 'in neighbourhood watch, etc .But our property and safety is secured by a variety of alarm systems to protect us from various forms of accidental or malicious grief and problems which may arise to generally screw up your day. Not to mention the next few months trying to sort out what the insurance companies are actually there for. As you try and get money you've paid to them and are entitled to recieve back to ease the suffering in just the sort of sad ,bad and even tragic circumstances you may find yourselves in. To combat and protect our property we have a variety of alarms . The most infamous being ;THE HOUSE ALARM; THE CAR ALARM THE SMOKE ALARM. The ideas behind these various alarms are pretty valid and reasonable. But, the reality ,as ever, never quite matches the sales brochures,the blurb on the box, etc.
Whenever you walk down a street, somewhere a house alarm is ,howling ,clanging, bleeping ,or some other deliberatly mind scarring noise. But nobody thinks,"OH MY GOD! THERES A HOUSE BEING BURGLED, CALL THE POLICE ,!".....No, the eyes get rolled and ,"OH F***'IN HELL !....TURN THE BLOODY THING OFF, FER CHRISTS SAKE!".....And telly volumes all down the street are boosted up so the X-Factor ,or Come Dine With Me, isnt interupted too much. House alarms go off ,just cos they feel like it or a piegon flies too close. Car alarms are the same .They go off ,nobody yells "OH GOD! THERES A CAR GETTIN' NICKED, CALL THE POLICE!"...... Nope, rolling of eyes as the screeching, honking ,or whatever goes on ,because a dog pee'ed against a lampost 10 feet away. Smoke alarms 'let rip' with their ear-drum splitting howls, just for boiling an egg or making a cuppa, not because,"OH MY GOD! THE HOUSE IS BURNING DOWN!"........ A lot of alarms lights still shine ,but most have had the cables ripped out just to shut the noise off, as the owners have normally forgotten the access code as well.
The other day ,THE LOVELY LYNNE had left the car window open and it had been raining. Being the ever dilligent caring husband i reached into see if the drivers seat was wet. The car alarm let rip. We turned it off with the key fob and all was quiet again. Until a few seconds later a car across the road went off, closely followed by a few more around our sheltered little close. I thought i should walk out into the centre of the close and orchestrate the alarms into a symphony for car alarms. Who knows with a little arranging a backing of house and smoke alarms to make it an alarm classic. I thought of MIKE OLDFIELDS:TUBULAR BELLS...At the end THE BONZO DOG DOOH DAH BANDS once, sadly now long dead front man VIV STANSHALL ,as he did on Tubular Bells , could've gone through the various instruments. This for the various car alarms.
"FORD!".......(HONK HONK HONK!!)
"TOYOTA!".....(WHEEEEOOOOO....WHEEEEOOOOO....WHEEEEOOOOO)
"VAUXHALL!"....(BLARP...BLARP....BLARP)
"DIATSU!".....(TOOT...TOOT...TOOT!)
"ROVER!"...(WHARPP...WHAARRPP...WHARRPP..!"
"CORTINA!"...(FRRRRRRRPPPPPPppppppp.......flat battery!)
"PORCHE!".....(WHUP..WHUP...WHUP....WHUP......!)
Dont tap your feet too hard to the funky beat you'll set off the house alarm.

4 comments:

caricature lafontaine said...

Salut mon ami Tim,
WOW...great text....for the first time of my life I have to agree with you...I'll put this on my calendar..on full moon 23rd of august 2010 I understand what you are talking about.....These alarms are so ridiculus, for instance when I lock my car an alarm rings (or a beeper plays his tune)??? Who needs an alarm ringing when one locks his car?? please tell me it drives me crazy...
Hope to see you soon in Qu├ębec where tons of ugly models are waiting for your talented caricaturist skills to draw them!
Prends soin de toi
Robert

Tim Leatherbarrow said...

My god , you understand what i'm talking about....Either your English is getting better or my french is improving....We had a short holiday in the south of France ,so maybe that did my language skills a bit of good. Along with the various alarms i mentioned we seem to be having trouble with the doorbell, which rings for no reason; the dog barks ;everybody up saying "who the hell is this at this hour, etc,etc,?" Technology and the world is ganging up on me, mon ami. I promise i will make it to Quebec, keep me in touch with whats happening with the ugly models ,as i'm determined to upset as many Canadians as i can.
Take it easy ,mon ami
Tim

Thud said...

Tim...the big five 0 just hit....sun and booze is helping to mitigate the pain.

Tim Leatherbarrow said...

Oooohhhh, take it easy ol' fellah, take it easy on the sun as its not good for the wrinkly ol' skin (i'm afraid ,as i've had it on good authority, they're not laughter lines anymore.) But batter the booze ,the ol' liver's been beaten ,battered n' wrinkled for a long time all ready, it can take everything you can throw at it even at our advanced years. Happy Birthday ,you have my sympathy.
Tim