HOW THE AMERICANS STOLE DUCK APPLE NIGHT TO FIGHT TERRORISM AND ABUSED OUR HUMAN RIGHTS BY GIVING US BLOODY TRICK OR TREAT!

When i was a young fresh faced ,scabby kneed and constantly snotty nosed schoolboywe used to look foreward to Halloween. For the life of me i dont know why. Me mam n' dad would lay a copy of the LIVERPOOL ECHO, a broadsheet in those days in the back room. (The one for guest ,without the black n' white valve filled telly....This is history taking place.)....Onto this makeshift paper groundsheet with HAROLD WILSON on the front and ROGER HUNT and IAN ST JOHN on the back. we would place the grotty green plastic basin we used for washing the dishes. Filled with water we would then tip in a pile of apples ,which'd been sitting in a bowl on the table for a fortnight or so. The idea was to stick your head into the freezing water and try and take a bite out of the apples. Eventually as you lay gasping and pantig with water streamin out of your mouth nose, ears amidst the laughing and gay banter of the rest of the family as you hoisted your spindly half drowned frame up to see, with much excitment if there was a slight nibble mark on the skin of one of the apples. We were simple folk in simple times , well yeah we were F****'in idiots. In them days families used to sit round bowls together and try and drown each other for fun. Who'd 've thought years later the yanks would steal our simple pleasures in their war against terrorism.

Over recent times our American cousins have had 'a bit of stick' over how they treat bad guys, or terrorists as we affectionatly refer to them. They are taken away to sunny tropical islands and their heads are stuck into bowls of water and when they've recovered from half drowning these 'bad guys' will tell the 'good guys' all they need to know. What we call 'Duck apple', they call 'waterboarding'. All human rights organisations are 'up in arms' over this fragrant abuse of their human rights. When i was getting half drowned for a bite of an apple not one person stood up for my human rights!...These mean nasty terrorists cant be that tough with all their whinging and whining. I was only a 9 year old schoolboy and that was one way 9 year old schoolboys enjoyed themselves before all day telly n computers.

Whatever you may think about the various human right issues committed by the Americans is one thing, but as far as i am concerned the worst violation of human rights is a far worse form of torture that the Americans have inflicted upon us. Like a sort of global virus the Americans have infected huge chunks of the world with TRICK OR TREAT.

Once this god awful custom was restricted to nice early 60's family sitcoms and stomach churning stuff like 'THE WALTONS'. Halloween is tonight and is devoted to ghosts, demons,phantoms,ghouls,devils,wee beasties of all shapes and distortions ,but theres also kids,kids,kids, n' kids all of which are horrifyingly real. The LOVELY LYNNE has stocked up with sweeties for the little darlings so we will be swamped wit, it has to be said some pretty imaginative and sick costumes. After an hour or two of taps on the door ,knocks and doorbells i'll be grinding my teeth and upping the volume on the telly. After a while the kids'll fade away to go home and rot their babyteeth on their haul of sweets. Then its time for the second wave, the scallies. They'll be in their own costumes ;tracksuits, hoodies. One'll be on a BMX bike ,some girl'll be texting and one of them who's best out of the group at stringing a few grunts together will mutter ,in that dull resentful teenage, braindead, monotone voice, "ertrickrtreat..." They used to talk about kids overbites ,now they've evolved under droops . The bottom lip hangs under the influence of gravity and spit, only the bottom half of their face moves when they mutter. It is at this point the childish innocence is replaced by intimidation and this is when my lovely wife makes me answer the door in case they scratch the car or burn the house down.

THE EUROPEAN ULTIMATE POLITICAL IN-FIGHTING CHAMPIONSHIPS...SARKOZY V CAMERON......

Once upon a long time ago combat sports were bare knuckle events where two bruisers knocked seven bells out of each others battered faces ,taking turns to hit each other. Then , it all turned soft and moving about and dodging was allowed. Even throwing over the hip ,the 'cross buttock' was allowed. Afterwards it softened again with names like Figg and Mendoza, real bare knuckle sissies who turned good old scrapping into an arty farty form of self defence. Well, the rot had well and truly set in and as skills improved and times passed and truly skillfull pansy fighters evolved and started to wear gloves of all things and that noble girlie art of boxing came about.

Martial arts from all over had their beginnings in fighters who were there to fight ,kill and rip the throat out of their opponent. Over the years they became sportified and control wa required as you were scoring points ,rather than trying to kill your opponent. But what goes around comes around and with the phenomenal increase in various 'so called' full contact karate's and such of which there was various sorts over the 70's-90's mainly from the u.s. Evolution which is a runaway process in the good ol;' u.s. has evolved now into the ULTIMATE FIGHTING andMIXED MARTIAL ARTS which is a respectable name for what is commonly known as CAGE FIGHTING. I've been watching some of the increasing number of reality shows based on the fighters and training on ESPN . I've come to the conclusion they are totally nuts and the best place for them is in a cage knocking seven heaps o' shit outta each other. There isnt any rules that i can work out ,i've not noticed any firearms or sharp implements so maybe thats one rule. But out from that , fists ,knees ,elbows ,feet throws ,locks and the nastiest ,when their opponent is on the deck they can hammer their face with their fist. Even during training its the full works.

I was watching our glorious leaders arguing over Europe the other day and CAMERON and SARKOZY were both looking a bit flabby and comfortable as their middle jacket buttons strained to keep their ties covered. Stick the two of them in the cage i say and let them work out their differences ...I mean the French telling the British to "shut up and mind their own buisness"..Waterloo was faught over less!

ALL WILL BE WELL IF WE USE THE RIGHT WHEELIE BIN!

Once a fortnight i've got to drag me sorry arse out into the wind and the rain to put the grey rubbish bin out as well as the blue re-cycling bin, then the following week just the grey bin. Every odd Tuesday ,the frequency of which i've never quite managed to work out , i've got to get out of bed quick as the men are coming at some ungodly hour for the green garden waste bin. I leg downstairs yanking a scabby pair of shorts on ,race through the door shouting at the disapearing bin wagon and the severly hearing impaired bin men manning the wagon, they seem to respond to the shouts when they turn to high pitch screams as my bare feet make contact with the stones lying across the driveway as i drag the bloody bin half a mile up the road.

When the conservative party had their annual back slapping get together the other week in Manchester under the guise of the Conservative party conference . An occassion to spend a fortune on nice hotels food n drink after a day of telling each other what an absolutly whizzo job they're all doing to save the country after the last lot screwed it all up. Unlike at debates the only interuptions are the endless standing ovations.

As the country and the world turns to shit it was good to see they had things in perspective and they concenterated on sorting out the frequency of wheelie bin collections. There was a little talk about a broken 'Iron clad' promise to hold a referendum on Europe, but thats another political broken promise...I wonder what colour wheelie bin they need for all those broken iron clad promises!.....

THE NAMES ENGLISH!...JOHNNY ENGLISH....(re-Bean)!....

After a hard day slaving away trying to do an ace topical cartoon for HA MAGAZINE, the internet humour page(humour.co.uk) and linked on t'other side of the page ,they've took mercy on me lately and published a couple of my daubings and scribbles. As i sat gazing into space guzzling my 47 th gallon of tea trying to think of a good reason not to go out into the cold and go to Karate that evening it suddenly came to me in the form of a visiting mother and a wife who wanted to go to the pictures. I pondered long and hard, about the same time it took the neutrinos to beat the light photons in the race from Swiss Switzerland to Italian Italy the other week. It has to be said it was the part about going for a drink n a bite in the pub rather than the pictures that illicited the response in the affirmative.....Kwai Chang Caine and Bruce Lee never had these temptations dangled in front of them to interupt their dedication to mind and body beautiful. But i do and i succumbed and found myself stuuffing me face and guzzling a few pints of Guinness in a country hostelry. I wasnt so sure about the second half of the evening when i was given the choice of going to see TIN TIN, or, JOHNNY ENGLISH-REBORN.....

I'd had a hearty feed and a few pints and the guts were bubbling and gurgling not compatible internal conditions for spending in a cinema seat for the next few hours. Plus i'd heard the JOHNNY ENGLISH film hadnt much of a write up and i dont like the CGI 3D's so i really didnt fancy TIN TIN.... The Lovely Lynne wanted to see the JOHNNY ENGLISH so we went.

The seats were spacious and i was by the aisle if needed for a quick visit elsewhere was needed. But to be fair i enjoyed the film. It was a silly daft ROWAN ATKINSON film ,thats what i expected and thats what i got and it was fine by me. Especially as GILLIAN ANDERSON was in it ,yes AGENT SCULLY from the X-FILES ,herself with dark hair and an english accent ,looking a bit different ,but still decidedly fanciable.

So the critics were right in all they said as they criticised the 'silly' film and thats why i enjoyed it as it was just a silly film.

SCRATCH ONE NUTJOB CRAZED DICTATOR, WHILE WE WAIT FOR THE NEXT ONE LETS STOP MAKING FIGHTERS, SACK THE AIRFORCE AND GET GOING ON THE GOVT CUTS!

Now our favourite crazed dictator has been shot to death in a sewer pipe in Libya and the people are free and the conflict is over until the next nutjob dictators take over, lets get back to the serious job of enforcing goverment cuts. They've shut down BAE Systems who made the international TYPHOON fighter bomber the staple of our air defences once the goverment at the time got rid of everybodies favourite vertical take off HARRIER, to pleaseour johnny foreign neighbours. So now we can lay off the airforce as they're not needed. If we have another scrap soon we'll have to round up all these out of work aero-engineers and pilots and start knocking together an airforce. I'm sure our prospective military opponents following the rules of gentlemanly warfare'll hang on while we 'bang' a few squadrons out.

During the second world war we had to rip up all our iron railings, etc to build SPITFIRES, etc. Now the railings wouldnt be able to be touched as , even more important and powerful than the Ministry of Defence is the DEPT OF HEALTH N' SAFETY. They will decide which is more unsafe the country on the brink of war or removing the railings from ancient village duckponds to the local communities. Ah what would ol' WINSTON CHURCHILL have had to say about it all.

NEVER MIND WHERE'S WALL/...WHERE'S THAT WALLY BLAIR???

I remember 'our Tony' during his leadership days he will always stand out for me as the man who encouraged our politicians from all sides of all the divides to yank their tie off ,take their jacket off and roll their sleeves up to give the impression that they were getting down and getting dirty with the rest of us to save our great nation, The reality was they were doing bugger all ,but Tony had invented 'spin' so everything was a photo oppertunity to be taken advantage of and used. The country hadnt sunk, but you could hear the rocks in the shallows scrapping against the hull. The other fine thing he did was get us into an interminable war with our 'special allies' under a real nutjob of a president. This was a good excuse for Tony to spend lots of time across the pond 'cementing' our' special relationship.

The main reason for our politicians enthusiasm for this 'special relationship' is that its a good pension fund for them when they leave the 'house' . Tony handed power over to that other fellah we've already forgotten .Then he went home wrote his memoirs, went back to the 'states' and earned a fortune on the lecture circuit. Nobody over here' d be arsed paying to spend an evening listening to Tony.

Tony ,then got a job. With the blessing of the U.N. Russia, European union and America he's representing the 'Quartet 'bringing peace n' harmony to the Middle East. His ,charitable Tony BlairAssociates ,of which nobody knows nothing ,except Tony is raking in quidsinzillions for whatever he's supposed to be doing.

The Middle East is the most alien place on Earth. There has been war, strife ,blood snot n' tears since, never mind history ,but since time began. Today the powderkeg has gone up again ,but worry not ,this time they've got Tony Blair to 'sort it'. You can tell he's working on it as he's not wearing a tie ,shirtsleeves are rolled up and bugger all seems to be happening.

ITS OFFICIAL..RUGBY IS A GAME FOR HOOLIGANS PLAYED BY HOOLIGANS!

The worst thing the English squad did whilst out in New Zealand attempting to do something ,in fact anything to bring some pride to our sadly prideless land in the Rugby World cup, was that they failed miserably not only on the pitch and off the pitch as well. On the pitch they sort of managed and muddled, but that was it. But off the pitch something very strange happened. Rugby players are big hard men who like a drink ,sing loud bawdy songs and have wild boisterous boys nights out making complete tits n arse'oles of themselves in the process.This is expected and accepted behaviour from these hooligan gentlemen . But for some reason when the English squad put on their dancing shoes and hit the New Zealand low spots they made themselves look totally sad n' pathetic and in competition with the other less than angelic big bawdy rugby chaps from all over, they lost that side of the rugby boozers world cup by appearing as a bunch of knobheads who couldnt take their ale and made everybody else look like good clean decent lads.

As the English squad arrived home to scorn and disgust ,did any body bother to meet or pick them up at the airport even? The Welsh were waiting to play their semi-final clash with them Frenchies. All of England were backing the Welsh to win, for gods sake thats almost as bad as wanting the French to win...... Thats how bad the English team have damaged national pride. We even had sympathy for the Welsh being just defeated.

But the Welsh had 'it sorted' , a man short they soldiered on. Its always more important to have an excuse for losing , than to win the match.

ENGLAND AND SCOTLAND FALLING ABOUT AS THE NATIONAL ANTHEMS PLAYED!

If you were up Saturday morning chewing on your morning bacon butty as was i, you probably saw part of it fly across the living room closely chased by the dog as you blurted out something along the lines of "OH £$%&*@ YES, MY BEAUTIES!".....As ENGLAND in the dying seconds of the maul of a match against 'the ol enemy' SCOTLAND ploughed across the line to score and beat the Scots. Half the world blurted out the above comment whilst the restof the world blurted out a less than joyous, not so positive expletive as ,for some reason the sight of England beating Scotland didn't fill them with glee. Everybody loves the English, just ask the WELSH,IRISH,SCOTTISH,FRENCH, etc, etc ,we saved the world , if everybody didnt hate the English so much they'd hate each other a lot more and the world'd be a bigger mess than it is now. Mind you i'd say we've handed our loathsome crown to AMERICA and long may they be hated instead.

But back to the RUGBY, i kept thinking about the poor team coach driver thinking he's in for an extended holiday in NEW ZEALAND all of a sudden he's got to set the alarm to go home the next morning. Ahh but the English lads are flying the flag pissing it up every night ,upsetting and copping off with the Kiwi ladies who frequent international rugby players drinking clubs. And it makes you proud to see how pissed our national heroes actually get ,i can take me ale better than MIKE TYNDALL, judging by the news stories of his wild nights ,i wonder if his 'Granny inlaw' has been on the phone. If Zara ,her mum and M'am have their way he wont be playing in the England quater finals he'll be crated home to the tower.

But it was good to see them win ,i even didnt mind the dog eating my bacon butty, even if he was barking for Scotland being a WEST HIGHLAND TERRIER.