GERMAN U-BOATS; A CUP OF COFFEE; QUANTUM PHYSICS, AND A TRIP TO DEBENHAMS.

Once upon a time in the good ol' days of greasy spoon caff's, you'd walk in to the lino-covered,(in parts) floor, sit at a plastic covered table with the squeezy tubes of ketchup,etc, and order a coffee. The highly trained catering assistant would then activate the boiling water machine, commonly known as 'the kettle'. As the wonders of science boiled the cold tap water up, the multitasking catering assistant would wipe his nose on a multi coloured(stained) apron, then wipe his hands on his singlet, all this while making your bacon sausage n' egg butty. Then your cracked,sort of clean mug of tea or coffee would arrive with 5 heaped tee-spoons of sugar. And it was wonderful! But that was then, and this is now, but between then n' now, was last Saturday.

Me, the Lovely Lynne n' the 'Little 'un' went shopping in Warrington .The Lovely Lynne had an instinctive uncontrollable urge to go to Debenhams. I said you go i'll get a coffee in a 'Starf***'s just opposite the big 'D'. The very pleasant young lady asked me what kind of coffee i wanted.." oh just a plain coffee,thanks." Then i was hit with a whole menu of coffee's. It was a coffee version of Monty Python's 'cheese sketch. Eventually when we'd sorted out what i wanted, she handed a note to some other girls by this massive heap of equipment. It looked like they'd gotten it from a German navy' u-boat' surplus store. There was pipes , valves n' dials, levers, handles and a variety of high pressure equipment. The sound effects of gurgling, hissing, rattling ,clanging and loud bubbling and popping. I wasn't sure if i was getting a coffee made or were we on a 'crash dive', in mid- Atlantic before torpedo'ing a convoy. I'd watched that wonderful film, 'Das Boot' recently, so i couldn't get the images out of my mind. As i stood there for about 20 minutes as they fired tubes 3 and 4 ,then adjusted the bow planes,blew ballast and we re- surfaced, i thought i felt the floor incline ,then finally i got my coffee. It looked n' tasted like U-boat diesel oil.

I went to a table to sit with my diesel oil,and watch the world go by whilst waiting for my 'beloved'. Time passed, and carried on passing, slower n' slower. And gravity pressed my face harder n' harder into the palms of my hands forcing my cheeks up above my ears. Time and gravity were exacting their toll on me, they are the cosmic 'big boys', if you like and Einsteins theories of Relativity are about them. But at the other end of the scale, the sub atomic world, even the basics of energy itself is dealt with by some weird shit indeed, which goes by the name of Quantum physics. Which, basically nobody understands. They know how to use it, as say in a microwave oven, but no body understands why the Quantum cookbook works. One strange facet is that the actual observing of certain 'events' in the Quantum domain will affect the 'outcome or behaviour of particles, waves n' other event ,outcomes, in an infinite number of alternative timelines and universes. I knew, not because i'm an expert in Quantum Physics, but, i know my missus. I knew that if i sat and waited, i'd be there for another hour while she fingered every damn thing hanging from a hanger in Debenhams. But, if i got up to get a coffee, as soon as i'd got it, she'd turn up..That would be the Quantum outcome, she'd come out.

So, i went in,ordered a U-boat battery acid Latte. We went into another crash dive. As i waited for my coffee, listening out for depth charges. It'd gone quiet,, we were on 'Silent running', obviously to avoid sonar But it was actually because my coffee was ready. I went out to sit down and there she was...Maybe there is something in this Quantum physics. But in another universe, i could still be sitting there waiting on my 742'nd cup of coffee, as unbeknownst to me ,the Lovely Lynne has run off with the Debenham coat hanger delivery man.

ERE! SHE'S JUST NICKED MY BAD MOOD.....

Part of the small print hidden in there amongst the marriage'vows' is something about sharing everything. Well, thats ok by me. I take the view, that if i haven't been able to hide whatever 'it' may be, well enough, and the 'Lovely Lynne' finds 'it', well, ok we'll share 'it'...I'll just have to make a better job of hiding 'it' next time. You can't be too careful with these missusses. They are crafty scheming creatures and must be watched. Not like us hubbies, we are simple souls, who are quite simply, lyin', untrustworthy rats, on the whole. At least you know where you stand with a husband.

The last few days have been very quite and i suppose a little 'post holiday blues' set in. I just felt a little 'Pissed off', simple as that. I just let my dark mood pass over like dark clouds always, eventually do. Every cartoonist, spending a lot of time alone soon learns that the only person to get you through these 'downs', if you want to call them that is 'you!' The Lovely Lynne kept on at me about 'still being in a bad mood.' The more i try to convince her, that all will be well, the less she believes me. The situation, now, is that i'm coming out of my little pissed off period(POP). Now she still doesn't believe me. She has taken my bad mood, which i thought was 'well hidden' and is going into a (POP) of her own. Well, that's the point its not her(POP) it's mine. She's using a bad mood as in the basic principles of Tai-Chi and most martial arts, by using the force(bad mood) of her opponent (me) against him(me) in this battle of 'pissed off wills',

(POW).

Since i'm weaponless, cos i've no bad mood and i'm happy, cheerful and defensless, i'll have to use charm n' humour to strike at her vulnerable points and disable her.... Do you know what i think i'm in trouble!

I HATE, KIDS, DOGS, N' CHEERFUL PEOPLE....

After going on about the dreamland of the imagination that i experianced at Disney, and trying to avoid falling back into the 'rut' that is everyday life. Well, dear reader, everyday life must've been reading and decided she wasn't going to let me get away with that. Everyday life is a woman i've decided, as she works hard to make life miserable for you, then gets angry when you don't appreciate the effort she's put in.

Everyday life took her revenge on me as i took the 'Little 'un' to school, and 'walked the dogs'. I gave the 'Little 'un' 10 quid for something ,which she promptly lost. I had a 20 pound note which i gave her and haven't seen, it, or any change since. So, 30 quid down and i haven't even had me bloody breakfast, not even a cuppa, as the 'Little 'un'd 'Taken the last of the milk. So, in situations like that the only release is to feel sorry for yourself and 'pissed off' with the world. I find it a very theraputic thing to do. Sod, all this laughter is the best policy and is good for you. And it takes fewer muscles to smile than frown, maybe so, but they're bigger muscles, thus i find frowning and scowling a lot easier.

It was then that a friend of mine Frank,turned up, telling me to look on the bright side n' stuff. I think it would've been perfectly reasonable to 'smack 'im one ,in the gob'. The basic problem is, Frank's a jolly happy chap, always in a good mood and always talking to people. Even screaming kids don't bother him. He takes carloads of kids to various 'activities'....I've been in the car with him n' the little darlings. It nearly drove me nuts. I still wake up screaming like a Vietnam vet having flashbacks at night. Franks glass is always half full, whereas mine varies between being half empty and, "Hey! Whose drank half me pint?..Bastards!"...Disneyland seems a loooong way away.

SIR MACCA WAS IN TOWN, HAVING A HARD DAYS NIGHT N' I MISSED IT.

I sat down to tell you all about my travels, sat at the computer and was totally sidetracked for a good portion of the day, when i stumbled across a mention of the fact that a certain Sir Paul (Macca) McCartney played a concert here in his ol' stomping ground of Liverpool, the 'city of clutter' the other day.The same day i was stomping around totally disheartened that Disneyland, famous for them, was, literally full of fairies..Not being homophobic, but there was some kind of 'Gay day, or something and the place was absolutly 'chokka' with both sexes holding hands with the same sex. Just not quite what you'd expect in Disneyland. Trying to explain to the little'un that sometimes men do hold hands. But, meanwhile in a shrine in Liverpool called Anfield, thousands packed in to pay homage to an Evertonian. A certain ex-mop top Beatle fab guy ..Sir Paul(Macca) McCartney.

I spent yesterday looking up reviews of the concert and listening to the radio highlights and watching video clips of 'the lad'. I've got a lotta time for Macca. He's still firing on all cylinders and does put on a great show and still loves doing it. Good luck to, Sir Macca, i say.

GUESS WHERE I'VE BEEN!

Yup!....Over in Disneyland as Mickies stunt double....Got off the plane to a blast of, Gas mark 7 oven heat of about 97 degrees. That was probably the coldest day too. The next fortnight was spent sweating me knackers off walking around the theme parks of Florida. We actually stayed in Disneyland, which has had a strange effect on me. I don't know wether i've been brainwashed by Disney. Or, i've been inspired by Disney. Theres all this stuff about it being where dreams come true and this being the year of a million dreams.....You get this stuff all the time. But even the most cynical of Scouse/Irish cartoonist has got to be impressed with the imagination and organisation that goes into...Well, Everything! And it does work, you find yourself being cheerful and grinning like a bloody idiot, except when your queing up for rides or Mickey Mouses autograph, for 'the litte 'un's' autograph book.

I found myself getting a new appreciation for the older cartoon stuff. This combined with the stuff at Universal. Well, i've come back busting to draw cartoons; read comics; Watch films. Basically, i've regressed(or advanced) back to being a 12 year old. Belief in the power of the imagination, something i'd lost, to an extent has been rekindled. I'm reading a biography of Mr Disney and even sporting a quite smart Mickey Mouse watch. The idea is to, well' just remind me' to stay out of 'the rut', everyday life can force you into. Well, we'll see if it works


From the land where dreams come true, in the year of a million dreams...To the land where' Bad dreams come true and everythings a load of Bollocks'.Yup! Good ol' UK.....

America is a very odd place. All the telly channels seemed to be Judge somebody; Oprah Winfrey-types;Religious fellahs with white suits,hair n'teeth spouting off endlessly; Or, news prorammes with a gorgeous blonde lady and a hunky guy in a suit, full of smiles n' patter, even when the news is awful. And, of course theres Sport n' sit coms. The reason the Americans're so insular and ignorant of world affairs is quite simply, because non of it is reported. Me n' the Lovely Lynne couldn't believe that the Iraq/Afghanistan fun n' jollies...Hardly got a mention, anywhere. The presidential elections, a 3 legged cow in Idaho, The baseball and the weather were basically your lot. The big story was Hulk Hogans son, whose in jail for the death of a soldier buddy in a car race while' under the influence'. Hulk and his son where planning a' reality' show, when he came out on bail, or something.

On the way home i picked up an English paper, full of dead soldiers; Shithead prime ministers; Mp's fiddling expenses; Petrol going up (The Yanks cannot believe how much we pay for petrol, they pay a fraction of our rate of extortion.); Etc,etc, all stuff ,not to make you homesick, but sick of home.

When we get home, next door have got two yapping dogs. And i've just heard the goverment have proposed Local council deal with Nuclear waste....Local councils ,god the goverment are bad, but local councils!!!!.....Liverpool city council, the bunch of nutballs n' tossers organising(?) the Liverpool city of clutter. "20,000,000pound shortfall, eased by shutting down carehomes around the city; The opening stage show Liverpool -centre of the universe, or something, had everybody pissin' themselves laughing ..They weren't meant to, but that doesn't matter. And something called the Deprivation Barometer says Liverpool's Englands most deprived city of clutter. The Liverpool city council handling nuclear waste?....Oh god,get me outta here!