Wednesday, 28 January 2009


Over the years, from time to time the Lovely Lynne has decided she has to loose some weight , just like every woman since time began. Maybe Adam n' Eve were the only people who never worried about it, and that was only because they never had glossy magazines and 'Goodmorning' with Phillip Schofield and Fern (stomach clamps) Cotton. And because of this and they were the only people in creation they didn't know what a fat person was. Maybe they got a little concerned when their fig leaves started pinching and feeling a bit tight around the sensitive areas they covered for some reason that Adam n' Eve had never been able to figure out. Maybe the human race started when the fig leaves were removed and suddenly stirrings stirred within the souls and lower down of our original couple. But the modern day Eve is convinced that they're fat and from time to time will order from the shopping channel some kind of torture device which goes under the title of excercise machine .These devices are tortourous for the male, as he has to hump the bloody thing about and put it together with the enclosed Alan keys and screws made from the softest most malleable metal that they could find. This makes it impossible to tighten screws fully without destroying the Alan key and the screw. It's not so bad for the woman ,as ,after a 'try out', they never go near it ever again. The Lovely Lynne bought a metal framework thing which was for stomach excercises. Much to the great amusement of other women, friends,family, etc who through the giggling asked me if Lynne'd started hanging her washing on it. "Of course not" i nobly replied."She will!", as they all had. I never mentioned that the washing had been dripping dry from the excercise machine for about a fortnight in the utility room.

In a moment of total madness and insanity we paid an totally insane amount of money to join, as a family(ahhh!) a local gymn. The last time i joined a gymn, was in Liverpool back street ,with rusty dumbells(and that was just the customers) ;No glass in the windows and beaten ,battered and busted punchbags (and that was just the customers). Whereas this one had machines that i ,for the life of me couldn't figure out. People walking ,peddaling, stepping whilst listening to Mp3's, or watching sub-titled coronation street on a telly ,right in front of their face . The sub-titles were there as the sound wouldn't have been heard over the Rap-type music that boomed about the gymn. Lynne, to be fair has piled in there and is powering away on the various machines. The other hiccup, for me is that all the machines have computer type thingey's to do with heart rates , types of excercises ,anaerobic, aerobic ,etc, etc,.....You need a degree in medicine or computer science to kill yourself. Whereas i joined a Karate class and had the shit beaten out of me. Lynne has trained away and is ever so proud to announce to the world that she is now the proud owner of a muscle...Just one, but it's a muscle, a right calf muscle, in fact.

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