Thursday, 20 March 2008


Dog kicking is a skillful art to be mastered, and also good for mending legs with pus-pumping abcesses.

For tough steel hard fingers and forearms like bridge cables,as well as changing channels,try the remote control.

As i've been sitting here with my huge pus-pumping hole in my leg ,drinking gallons of tea and watching 32 hours of daytime telly ,every day. It suddenly occured to me after watching STEPHEN HAWKING ,MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE. That i am evolving into a black hole. A black hole is a gravitational anomaly ,where gravity is so powerful ,it sucks everything ,including light into a microscopic point called a SINGULARITY. I have become a singularity. I'm not very big ,and my whole universe is being pulled into this tiny point on the sofa where i am sprawled.Is it my imagination ,or is it getting darker outside, as the light gets sucked in? There is nothing outside me n' the tellyn'the kettle .Now this isn't as good a thing to happen as some people might think .Imagine being the centre of the universe,it sounds quite impressive ,but it actually can get quite boring. The only excercise you get is by clicking away with the telly remote .As sattelite telly repeats all its shows ,not only ,over days ,but actually on the same day,it is almost impossible to watch a programme only once.So, you manfully carry on stabbing away ,desperatly seeking anything over the 800 channels you have that you've seen only three times,at least. You start with one hand ,hitting with the thumb .This soon changes to the two hand grip ,where you forcefully stab away with the index finger. I could peirce wooden blocks with my toughened fingers and forearm muscles like bridge cables...It's the rest of me thats wasting away.....You'll have to excuse me ,the centre of the universe needs a cup o' tea.

I've finally managed to venture outside. The universe still exists, which deflated my already floppy ego even more. But as i walk the dogs around ,its like the film I AM LEGEND. I am the only person left, well maybe not in the world ,but sure looks like i'm the only one in Warrington. Theres not a soul about. so i wander on excercising my leg. Well, both ,actually, it's just one needs it a bit more than the other. The endurance and fitness come from the walking through the deserted streets and woods. The more skillful movements come from kicking the dogs. Theres a whole variety of ways to boot ,flip,flick,spin ,stomp,back heel,wallop and whack a dog with the tools nature has bestowed upon you .Your toe, instep ,heel,sole and sides of your feet (to impart some spin). So with a little practise stopping the dog yapping with a good boot can truly be a 'BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM' skillful endeavour ,as well as being good for your health, not sure about the dogs tho'.I may be the last man in Warrington,but there's nobody to beat me with the telly remote and dog kicking.

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