MERRY THINGEY N' A HAPPY NEW WOTSIT TO ALL OUR READERS

YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME I'M OFF TO RECOVER FROM THE KIDDIES CAROL CONCERT ,BEING A GOOD DAD I GOT DRAGGED TO THE OTHER 'BLOODY FREEZING' COLD NIGHT.....AGOOD FEW STIFF CRATES OF 'DE GOOD STUFF'LL' DO THE JOB NICELY!....IF I SURVIVE THE TORTURE AND PUNISHMENT I INTEND TO INFLICT UPON MYSELF OVER THE FORTHCOMING FES(hic)TIVE , FEST(hic)IVITIES, I'LL BE IN TOUCH IN THE NEW YEAR ..THERE! ,SOMETHING TO LOOK READY TO, ALREADY...ALL THE BEST...
(hic) TIM xxxxx

I was watching the telly the other day and they had AMY WINEHOUSE getting dragged into a police 'nick' someplace or other. Down in the 'smoke', there must be various 'nicks' where its trendy 'to be seen' getting dragged into for drink n' drugs ,etc,etc, blah, blah. All our gorgeous 'celebs' have their choice of where they're going to be pulled into. Some nights in the cell block it must be like backstage at 'Live Aid',or something. In Warrington ,we have a different clientelle. Mind ,there are celebrities. Some fellah got 'done' for assault recently .He'd had a walk on spot in an episode of 'BROOKSIDE', in 1989.
Watching the lovely(?) AMY WINEHOUSE entering the 'Nick'. I was fascinated by her hair. It reminded me of something ,but i couldn't quite place what it was. This big black shapeless monstrous shapeless mass ,with those black tendril -like 'dreadlocks sprouting out of the main body mass. Then it came to me .I used to love the t.v. series ,'VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA.'(A Quinn Martin production!)....About the submarine 'SEAVIEW'. As you 'ol' farts' out there will well remember it .Go on , admit it, you'll feel better for it. Remember,there was always an episode where the super sub got caught by a giant octopus. As special effects go ,it wasn't the best .But it was a big black body with these thick black long tentacles waving about ,trying to grab and pull the sub towards it. And there was always one big dark malevolent bulging eye. Thats what the AMY WINEHOUSE hairstyle reminded me of. The reason it suddenly came to me was when her hair covered one of her two dark malevolent evil eyes , so only one was showing. All it needed was a nuclear submarine being swallowed and it would've been perfect . It's not so ridiculous !Have you seen the size of her hair? If she keeps all her drugs n' stuff in her hair ,talk about 'a needle in a haystack'.

AMY WINEHOUSE ,HER HAIR AND HOW IT NEARLY DESTROYED THE SUBMARINE 'SEAVIEW' IN 'VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA'.

FROM THE BIG BANG TO B&Q

I KNEW IT ,SIR,WITH ALL THE BILLIONS OF STARS N' GALAXIES WE COULDN'T BE THE ONLY LIFEFORM WHO SPEND SUNDAY AFTERNOON GOING
AROUND B&Q

UFO'S AND SUNDAY AFTERNOONS AT B&Q

When once upon a lifetime ago ,i was a single , free ,unattached ,happy n' gay(used in the traditional happy and cheerful,Enid Blyton way.) fellah. It was a source of great humour to me ,that all my married friends, when i would inquire as to wether they had a good weekend or Bankholiday. They always muttered something about ,'Havin' to go to bloody B&Q with the Missus. If whenever i got married one day ('Ha, as if!', Iwould scoff....Me n' my big mouth!). There would be no way i'd spend my time being dragged around bloody B&Q. Then. One day ,i got married. We were going to have a ball ,all my food cooked ,when we weren't out on the town. Sex on tap.No kids and definitly no B&Q... It occurred to me recently ,that we all make mistakes, as iwas dragged, screaming around 'BloodyB&Q' with 'the little 'un'. We only had 5 hours, then we had to be home for Coronation Street. I know i'm not alone .The only time i ever bump into anybody i know is at 'Bloody B&Q.
Recently i was dragging sacks of something,or other for that dump of weeds n' dog muck laughingly called the garden , across the car park to the car.I noticed something odd up in the sky ,just a spot of light .I don't know if it was a star or plane ,or, could it've been something else? I've just seen a program about UFO'S. They've been visiting us for donkeys years. I know all about them ,as i'm working my way through dvd sets of Gerry Andersons UFO;And watching David Vincent fighting 'THE INVADERS'(a Quinn Martin production.). Could it be that we are being 'visited' ,as opposed to 'invaded' by these interstellar nieghbours. I think the place must look chaotic to our Alien friends ,so,unlike everybody onthis planet , they dont want to stay too long.They might have to get back to their little planet in the Andromeda galaxy , as Supernova street is on. I reckon that we're not the only intelligent(?) lifeform in the universe. And in all those possibly billions of life forms out there, there must be a few races who're intelligent(?) enough to get married and spend their Sundays n' Bank holidays at 'Bloody B&Q,' serves 'em right.

                          "I KNEW IT SIR WITH ALL THE BILLIONS OF STARS  AND GALAXIES WE COULDNT BE THE ONLY LIFEFORM WHO SPEND SUNNY SUNDAY AFTERNOONS GOING AROUND  B&Q !" 

 



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In the good ol' US of A, they're not having a good time of it lately .A new bunch of nutters have decided they want to become famous for being complete and utter 'whacko's', shooting up schools , shopping malls and now churches. Admittedly, churches have been attacked before, but what struck me about this particular case,was that the gunman was shot by an ARMED CHURCH SECURITY GUARD. Not taking anything away from this mans heroic act, i can't help wondering what this church security man does the rest of the time .I mean the average church is empty ,most of the time ,except for cleaners and ladies putting flowers on the alter; The priest doing bits of holy stuff and stacks hymnn books up n' stuff,etc ,etc .But ,all done under the steely ,eagle-eyes of our highly trained ,ex special forces vet, (everybody in the US was in the special forces). The main dangerpoint in the day ,code red ,if you like must be confession. Our hero must be on hand to cover the priest as he faces these 'perp's. And to make sure they don't escape their punishment and skip church ,but kneel and say their ,'Our Fathers 'and Hail Mary's, before going back onto 'The street.'' Then of course is the collection on Sunday ,when the church is full of good ol' American Walton/Partridge families,at church while the apple pie is cooking in the oven at home. The 15$ 45 cents collected has to be protected until the bank opens on the Monday morning .Our hero is responsible for getting it there safely.It's an exciting life in church security. I wonder if the next John Rambo film is a story around his adventures as an armed church security guard.

3 HAIL MARY'S JUST AREN'T ENOUGH ANYMORE.THE PRIESTS HAVE TO GET TOUGH

S.P.S....Special Priest 'Services'.....Father Ted meets the Proffessionals.

THE MYSTERY CANOEIST, AND THE HARTLEPOOL MONKEY HANGERS...DO THEY GIVE HIM LA BANANA OR LA SNAIL FINALE?

All this week has been about the supposedly forgotten doings and dealings of the mystery canoeist. I know what the mystery is for me. Why would a man go out early morning ,not the warmest time of the day; Esspecially in the North East ,not the warmest part of the country; To go canoeing in the North Sea ,not the warmest stretch of water in the world. Aaah ,all these mysteries just lining up to increase my bafflement and beffudlement with the world. But ,all is not lost .According to my very tall Geordie mate Simon,the answers obvious. He reliably informed me that given a choice between staying in Hartlepool and freezing your nuts off on the North Sea, most people would go for the latter. And i must admit ,i've noticed they do like their canoes up the North East. He also told me the tale of THE MONKEY HANGERS. Which i shall now relate to you ...Sitting comfortably ?..Right i shall begin.

It was during the Napoleonic wars . A ship ran aground ,or sank,or some 'shippy' thing like that,around Hartlepool. The only survivor was a monkey. The monkey was the ships mascot and was dressed in a little military looking uniform. The locals had never seen a Frenchman and had only heard the horrific anti -'frog' propaganda ,and hoplessly exaggerated drunken tales from in the Ale-'ouses. Much the same as today. So ,they jumped to the obvious and safe conclusion that the monkey was a French spy. So, they gave the condemned monkey his last banana and hung him.Well, lets face it ,he was a lousey lucky mascot for the ship and it's crew. And he didn't have much luck for himself. He was also a lousy spy, the French never did find out Hartlepools military secrets(?),or where the canoes were kept. But the French lost the war, coincidence? I think not. But since then according to Simon who's from the fine city of Newcastle the Hartlepoolians are known as MONKEYHANGERS. But he would say that ,wouldn't he .

..

IS IT A MONKEY OR A FRENCH SPY?....DO WE GIVE HIM A LAST FROGS LEG OR BANANA BEFORE WE HANG HIM?

THE FAIRER SEX ?..WELL, NOT THE WOMEN ,ANYWAY.

THE FAIRER ,GENTLER SEX?????.......YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING!

Only the other night i went to watch the missus play another gig ,like the good groupie i am ,or would like to be given any opportunity. I wont name the club or even the location of the unsaid club,cos ,basically i'd like to carry on living for a bit longer. I'm not greedy seeking immortality ,or anything like that ,but a few more years would be much appreciated. And being a Leatherbarrow , coming from a long noble proud line of cowards i'm not about to compromise this simple ambition. The reason i'm keeping schtum and writing this in the dark of the back of the garage, wearing a false beard and one of the missus's dresses is so i wont be seen or recognised ,or draw attention to myself ,is because i'm living in fear for my life.
The unsaid club was sold out for the 'gig'. The tickets sold so well that the DJ decided to print a pile ofhis own extra tickets. The place was 'chokka'!....People were turned back there was murder,the bar was murder, oh we had such fun. The thing was ,tho. The place was mainly full of women ,and rough? Rough doesn't even begin to describe them .Hard as nails . I'm Liverpool/Irish, and more than used to rough houses and bad language ,etc,etc and general family entertainment. But nothing like this ,i was genuinley terrified of these 'ladies' effin' n' blinding ,guzzling pints .I have never seen women drink pints of Mild ,or Guiness virtually 'in one'.Thankfully, the band went down 'a storm',gawd bless 'em.Then at the end of the night ,there was fights all over and outside in the rainy streets....All women ,every one . The fairer sex?

THE WANDERER,TIM(REGGIE PERRIN) LEATHERBARROW,RETURNS!!!!

Reading about that bloke who dissapeared 5n'1/2 years ago. Then he suddenly walks into a London police station to announce he's not dead ,but got caught in heavy traffic on the A1 coming down from the North East after his canoe run aground,or something. This episode brought back memories of a painful time for me,when i once dissappeared.I didn't throw myself into the sea ,as Warrington isn't too close to the coast,and it was too cold to be bothered travelling .So,symbolically shedding my old life, i stripped off my cloths in the utility room on the way into the studio. The studio's such a shit'ole that nobody would ever find me .I neededto 'solve some issues and find myself'.I found myself after about 5,1/2 days,thought about it ,and decided i was better off not finding myself, and decided the journey of discovery was a waste of time. So ,i got up and announced to the world i was back ,unable to remember the hell i'd been through in the studio(i mean it hadn't been tidied in months.)..Nobody believed me .It was claimed the missus claimed my life insurance,as she was seen ordering a chinese takeaway and putting a gallon of petrol in the car.And because the mother in law was coming to visit...It's all rubbish ! Nobody had noticed i'd even gone

CARRY ON UP THE KHYBER, SHOULD BE OUR MILITARY INSPIRATION.

AAARRRGGHH!..IT IS THE DEVILS WHO WEAR NO BUTTONS IN

THEIR FLIES!!!!!................

In response to the last blog announcement about me taking on the part time post of Minister of Defence, the lovely SIMON ELINAS, cartoonist /caricaturist and all round enthusiast got in touch. He commented about me using the soldiers i ussually have for breakfast. I was going to reply along the lines of, how they would have ',egg on their faces'. When it's normally the politicians who would. This witty banter reminded me of when i were ,'nowt but a lad!'. When , if your flies were open, you were said to have ,'egg on your face/chin.' I had a vision of our brave boys marching erect ,steely eyed and square jawed into battle with their flies wide open to the blazing sun ,and the scorching desert winds. That should frighten the local baddies back into the hills. Reminicient of the wonderful 'CARRY ON UP THE KHYBER.' Where the THIRD FOOT N' MOUTH, Known to the enemy BHURPERS, ruled by the evil BUNGDIT DIN,as the 'DEVILS IN SKIRTS'. When the 'Devils 'showed the Bhurpers they weren't wearing anything under their kilts they fled in terror.
Just maybe 'our boys' with their flies wide open could ellicit a similar response. The locals would be in awe and fear of ,'THE DEVILS WHO WEAR NO BUTTONS IN THEIR FLIES.'