THE QUEST FOR THE BODY DISGUSTING.

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EXCERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU.......ISN'T IT ?

I STILL FEEL LIKE A TEENAGER.......JEEZ !...I MUST'VE BEEN A MESS WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER.

A few days ago , myself and a couple of old(n' getting older ) mates where in a Liverpool drinking den partaking in some social liquid refreshment to excess. A habitual problem that seems to occur whenever we do meet up. Part of the conversation that took place between mouthfuls of Guinness concerned our advancing years. It was generally agreed that we all felt as we did when we were 16/18..But it was also commented upon ,how hangovers do seem to hangover a lot longer than once they did (by about a week.) .The other day i decided i would go ,not for a jog ,or even a run , but a full sprint along the nearby woods and paths ..Get the muscles working and the blood pounding through the vessels.......
Well. i took off, and, almost immediatly i noticed a definite lack of bounce in the ankles and toes; An inability to accelerate to any point that could be anywhere near to being described as a sprint; The flat footed stumbling was murder on the base of the back ,and i was gasping through my wide open mouth like a warthog having an asthma attack. With my tongue hanging a good 8 inches over my bottom lip ,i shall never forget the look of fear and horror on some woman i stumbled past. I crashed through the front door,(i did open it first), to dose up on rest n' relaxation,as well as a few gallons of tea n'sugar. If this is what i felt like as a teenager, i must've been a bloody mess,it's a miracle i've survived this long......As long as your in the boozer knocking the pints back ,or lying on the couch watching the telly,or watching other silly bastards excercising. You can fool yourself ,your the same as you were years ago .Just don't try and prove it.

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YOU TAKE THE STAIRS I'LL TAKE THE CORPSE

BOND,BOURNE,INDIANA JONES AND THE FILM CLICHES OF DOOM.

I was watching the telly t'other night and there was an advert (now theres a thing.) for some film that came out last week and is out on DVD this week ,or maybe it totally bypassed the cinema release and went straight to the bargain rack at the checkout at Asda. This is a sign of a quality bit o' film.( Just a little 'trade secret 'from a film buff). But ,anyhow thats not what this is all about. In some film they'll have a stunt and you can guarantee that every film over the coming year or so ,will incorporate that stunt in some way. This could be a car stunt or a physical action scene. A few years ago ,they invented the exploding fireball in the tunnel stunt/special effect. Remember our favourite scientologit ,a mr Thomas Cruise in ,MISSION IMPOSSIBLE?..At the end an explosion and fireball blows him along the tunnel onto the roof of a train. The same thing was used to scorch a certain mr Jimmy Bond's ringpiece in, THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH. As our hero was swinging through another tunnel ,an oil pipeline i think. But this fireball in the tunnel seemed to turn up all over the place. The latest stunt that seems to be getting a good hammering is, our hero having a gunfight on a staircase .Then making his escape and wiping out the baddies by leaping down the centre of the staircase while blasting away at the dozy bastards chasing him ,not thinking laterally ,but just plodding up the stairs. This secret agent multitasking was first seen on ,THE BOURNE IDENTITY. He jumps on a body to break his 8 storey fall and blows the others to bits. Variations on that seem to be turning up. It used to be car chases ,now it's flights of stairs. The new indiana jones films out soon, will him n' his snakes be in a tunnel or on a flight of stairs.

IT'S A WONDERFUL THING THE HUMAN BRAIN, I'LL HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO USE IT ONE DAY.

The brain is, so i'm lead to believe ,a truly wonderful and remarkable' piece of kit. Damn near every physical movement , feeling and thought originates from that lump of grey mush stuffed up in the bodies equivalent of an attic,the cranium. My cranium is like a dusty old attic , full of dust ,cobwebs and boxes n' crates of half forgotten junk. All stuff that you'd never need ,but you just don't want to throw it all away. The other thing about all the 'stuff' in my attic,is, that none of it is in any kind of order or system.If you threw a heap o' shit at a net , a lot will go through , but some will stick,it's just bits n' pieces ,but it's still crap.And that , dear reader is a good description of my powers of recall,and what is laughingly called my 'higher functions'(!,mmmm?). What this basically means is that i can name all the Gerry Anderson characters and their vessels from Thunderbirds ,Fireball XL5, etc ,but i couldn't tell you how long i've been married,my post code , or ,basically anything that might be construed by ,people like my totally bemused and quite often disgusted missus ,The lovely Lynne, as important. I had accepted the fact that the memory ,well mine anyhow was not quite what it should be .But ,the other major facet of the brain , which ,i thought made up for my other flaws, was my imagination. It afforded me a good living for a long time as a busy cartoonist (ahh , i remember the days ,just!). But now i sit seeking inspiration to write and educate the world through the inciteful finger on the pulse crap on this here blog. But since the festive period that ability ,unlike my good self hasn't returned to the drawing board. If i could take the brain out ,whack it against the wall; Thump it with a lump hammer; Flatten it with a pastry roller;Stick a food blender or mixer into the brain case ,anything to stir up the ol' 'grey matter' n' get the old neurons n' cells sparking again. And then when i'm inspired , i can write an article about not being inspired...And getting inspired, to write an article about about not being inspired ....But getting inspired to write an article about getting inspired to write an article about not being inspired ...And getting,(on n' on n' on ,ad nauseum.you get the idea?)

ON A STARRY NIGHT ON A ROOF IN THE EUROPEAN CITY OF CLUTTER,RINGO'S BACK!

It's official the fair city of Liverpool is now the 2008, European city of culture. Or if your one of the poor locals who's had to get around all the 'farting around within the city to prepare the place for this 'honour', it's more like the European city of clutter. But ,at 8 minutes past 8 p.m., it all kicked off. 20.08p.m....2008a.d.(geddit?) , on a bloody freezing cold night. One of Liverpools most famous sons was hoisted onto the highly exposed roof of the St Georges hall, with nought ,but a set of drums to whack n' belt to warm himself up with. Ringo Starr was back! Apparently the whole bash went very well and everybody had a ball. The infamous Liverpool city council couldn't have had anything to do with it then,as it was a success and went smoothly. But their faces were in the papers,even more so than ol' Ringo's. But he's only a drummer ,he's not in politics,y'see.
I've always liked ol' Ringo. He was a working drummer for all kinds of bands in the early days and was highly thought of amongst the music cicuit in those dark halcyon days. His C.V. isn't too bad. Rory Storm ,then a certain 'Beat combo', going by the name of the Beatles.(whatever became of them ,eh?).He was the drummer on some of the greatest music ever put to disc...The rest of the greatest band ,ever (well, there is the Who, but we'll keep it simple for now.)... were more than happy with him. It' only 'intellectual' Beatle fans (Aaaargh !) and music critics(yuk !) who feel Ringo deserves the abuse and grief heaped upon him through the years...It was said Keith Moon was the best Keith Moon drummer in the world . Ringo could be similary classed...No ,not the best Keith Moon drummer in the world, the best Ringo drummer in the world. His son Zak Starkey ,is probably the best Keith Moon drummer in the world ,these days.

POLITICS IS SHIT!..POLITICIANS ARE SHIT!....THE WHOLE LOT IS A LOAD O' SHIT!.....BUT WE ALL NEED AND ENJOY A GOOD SHIT!.....

I've always hated politicians n' politics, i think politicians are without doubt the lowest form of life on the planet. So low, that they could only be created by man. No other creature on this vast rock has a political system. They may have various 'social' systems , but they have been spared politicians. Animals may live in,and feed on shit, but thats their way ,their natural choice .We are the only animal that elects and pays for people to forcefeed us nothing but pure unadulterated shit!....This is the definition of a politician. They are so horrible they are fascinating in their own way. The old joke about how you tell wether a politician is lying by the fact his lips are moving has been proven to be a keen observation ,rather than a joke. The people who become politicians always seem to be the 'snotty little gobshites' that everybody hated at school, but unlike most of their classmates who probably grew to become 'a decent fellah.' These, grew to become grown up 'snotty little gobshites'. One of the fine breed was on the telly today on about how the goverment (gawd bless 'em)are going to spend a fortune on cleaning hospitals to reduce the chances of catching 'the plague', as soon as you walk into the hospital reception. I have a lot of nurses in my family and they have said how standards have dropped ,all due to goverment (gawd bless 'em) screwing around through the years. They reckon it's safer to stay out and be operated in the car park than the operating theatre. But , not to worry the goverment (gawd bless 'em) have hit on a brilliant crazy idea! Lets have clean hospitals WOW! It's just crazy enough ,it might just work! Wars ;Crumbling economy; Runaway(or run thisway) immigration, etc, etc, etc,.....It's all good stuff.
Our lot are bad enough ,but the really frightening politicians and politics are on the other side of the pond. In the 'good ol U.S.ofA. '...These guys are really horrible and it really is money and power that speaks loudest in 'the land of the free!'. There was a line on the news ,now the presidential elections are starting(oh joy!)..That you 'can't pull the wool over the American voters eyes'..Well ,the corrupt ,war mongering, sexually deranged, senile nutters who have occupied the oval office through the years have had a bloody good go at it . Here in good ol 'Blighty' ,on the whole we couldn't give a shit if Gordon Brown or David Cameron were in town, which says a lot for us Brits. But ,i cannot understand the excitment that the endless presidential elections illicit in the 'states'. It's madness , total insanity, what am i so puzzled about ,they are yanks after all !

ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN ..ONE GIANT LEAP FOR THE CONSPIRACY NUTTERS!....DID APOLLO 11 LAND ON THE MOON OR THE CAR PARK OF AREA 51 ?

Last night i watched a telly programme about the conspiracy theory ,claiming that NASA never actually landed their boys on the moon. There was a bunch of 'nutters' who 'knew for certain' that it was all a US goverment hoax. There was incontravertable proofs...Fluttering flags; Lack of blast craters; Varying shadow lines; Exact same background scenery; Multiple light sources;etc,etc,...Some interesting points, which admittedly caused me to 'mmmm?', once or twice. Then the 'nutters' claimed the CIA killed various astronauts, the crew of Apollo 1 who died on a launch pad in capsule fire were supposedly murdered as Roger Chaffee had complaints about the Apollo programme. These poor fellahs and a whole heap ,who died in 'suspicious cicumstances to keep the truth secret. The only problem with that is that all these 'targets' died way before the Apollo programme actually started launching. The one main reason i believe they did go to the moon, is because the Apollo astronauts who actually flew to the moon seem to be ,on the whole fit n' well,although they are gettin' on a bit now...But ,the main reason ,is that the yanks ,basically, cannot keep a secret. All their naughty double dealings ,of which their has been and ,no doubt still is 'much!..ALWAYS, eventually comes out and 'The shit hits the fan!' They just wouldn't be able to keep the lid on the moondust box for 40 years

IT'S NEXT YEAR,ALREADY AND CONFUSION BEGINS TO REIGN AGAIN, ESSPECIALLY IN THE AIRPORTS, OR SHOULD THAT BE ERRR(?)PORTS???????.....

The baggage allowance at air(errr?)ports has been simplified ..It only depends upon which air(eeer?)port you use; which air(errr?)line you use; and where your going.....see, simple!
And our beloved P.M. may want to pack his baggage allowance to go somewhere where popularity polls can't reach him.

Well, thats it!..It's next year already .Today is a dark, wet ,windy first proper Monday morning of 2000 n'8. Also , apparently it's called D-DAY. This is because there are more divorces applied for today than any other day of the year. The salivating lawyers, were at their offices first thing today to welcome the upset pissed off spouses to their client list. It seems the majority of the 'upset ,pissed off spouses ,paying into the lawyers bank accounts are the 'missus's' of the failed marriage .And, in the main, the reason for this marital breakdown is due to the husbands behaviour at the works christmas party. If they no longer have a wife ,at least they have the memories of the party to keep them warm,depending how much they had to drink on the night. Non of this was a problem for me. Being a home worker(not ,wrecker!)...My wild times over the festive period were confined to the joys the christmas Radio Times had to offer me. So, bad personal habits aside ,my marriage is safe.
I turned on the news this morning and i knew the New year had started ,as MrGordon Brown our beloved P.M. was on to say how it was a time for 'new challenges, etc,etc,blah,blah' and how the NHS was going to be re-organised. The rail network have started to improve the services by, CLOSING DOWN RAILROUTES, AND RAISING PRICES??????.....And the baggage controls in those wonderful palaces of chaos n' confusion, the AIRPORTS ,or should that be ERRR(?)PORTS ?...They have decided that your baggage allowance depends upon; WHAT AIRPORT; WHAT AIRLINE ; WHAT DESTINATION???????.... There, now that should simplify everything!