Monday, 14 May 2012


I was sitting having a cup of coffee having a few minutes to watch the world go by and couldnt help noticing how many people were clutching bottles of fizzy water. I cant remember anyone wanting to constantly drink bottles of water...In my day ,it were 'pop, or beer ,or tea  or coffee, but anything other than water. Water was used to make other drinks or to help you swallow tablets. But for the life of me i cannot understand what made water 'fashionable'. Everybody walking around clutching their i-pod ,or phone /internet thingey ,texting away like mad with one hand while clutching a bottle of water in the other. I still think taps are pretty handy devices, meself. Take my home turf of Warrington. I'm not crawling round gasping for water, seeing mirages of oasis's or anything ,i mean its not as if we're in a tropical hi-humidity jungle climate  and theres not a single desert ,well for miles.....We hardly see the sun and do tend to get lots of water, it just pours out of the sky.

I was contemplating this social conundrum of fashionable 'fizzy water' and wondered where it came from and a silly idea came into my head as a baby in a pram sitting at a nearby table 'let one rip '...A thunderous fart!..It wasn't me ,honest ,guv'nor!....But i had this image of somebody gorged on BAKED BEANS  and cheap lager farting their brains out in the bath producing gallons of 'fizzy water'. How do all the trendy water guzzlers know that this isn't how its made.

When i was younger, we ,like most my age never had a shower and had our weekly bath. Getting in very slowly as the water was boiling , lying there untill your body got used to the scalding heat so you could move and reach for your ,book, comic, or , as i'm sure some of you devils did ...A mucky book!....Never did meself ,being a good catholic lad i am!!!!!....And you would sit in the bath until it went cold. But one of the joys of a hot bath was the FART IN THE BATH!....The bubbles erupting to the surface and your giggling to yourself. The kids television characters BILL N' BEN THE FLOWERPOT MEN'....Used to speak in jibberish. Bill spoke something along the lines of "FLOBALOBALOB!"....and BEN said"BOBDEBOP!"....Nope! I have absolutly no idea what the hell they were talking about ,but they sounding like various BATH FART noises which amused me greatly. Before you think i've no culture or class i shall prove you totally wrong and throw a quote from the greatest actor in the world LAURENCE OLIVIER. Apparently he was working with one of my favourite actors CALLAN, himself, EDWARD WOODWARD. Olivier said that the name EDWARD WOODWARD sounded like the"noise a fart in the bath makes!"....If its good enough for a great thespian like LAURENCE OLIVIER to fart in the bath ,its ok for me, buster. Now after reading that do youstill want that bottle of water?


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