AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!F**KIN' CERTIFIED FRUSTRATION FREE PACKAGING????

                   As it has been mentioned in past blogs ,as well you should know if you've been paying attention to the garbled rubbish i fill cyberspace with ,well you'll know that only a few days ago ,yours truly celebrated his 52nd birthday. My daughter has stolen my light by having her birthday on my birthday. Everybody goes "Ahh isn't that nice!"....No, not particually! Family ring up to inquire about her birthday and i have to slip into the conversation about why JULY15th is such a big day for another reason , basically 'cos of me! JULY 15th has been my birthday for 38 years longer than it has hers. My aged ,slightly hung over body was dragged out of bed at some ungodly hour as madam wanted to open her presents! Eventually it came to me to open my cards and things ,all very pleasant and i do like birthdays ,etc ,i like anything that means people give me things.

One of my present was a fairly large cardboard box. A sign on the side announced that it was 'CERTIFIED FRUSTRATION FREE PACKAGING'!...I had never seen that before and thought it quite amusing as i began my attempt to open the box without getting frustrated. THE LOVELY LYNNE told me to take it easy and had a go and failed miserably. I had another go and broke into a bout of severe bad language as i thought i'd broken my little finger and in a fit of CERTIFIED FRUSTRATION i tore the top of the box.

When we cleared the cardboard debris and i spent a few seconds sucking my finger and trying not to swear i took a look at what wonders lay within this FRUSTRATION FREE CONTAINER,because funnily enough it told me how easy it would be to open it ,but not why. It didn't say what it contained. Eventually i discovered a KINDLE E-BOOK READER. Which i wasn't sure i'd want ,but i have to admit i'm quite enjoying it. Still read books ,etc ,can't beat a good second hand book shop y'know!

YOUR BORN ,THEY CUT THE CORD AND THE CATAPULT OF LIFE SLINGS YOU THROUGH YOUR LIFE TO A HOLE AND YOU DIE!!!

                                                                                        The older you get the faster time seems to fly by .The concept of time travel and being able to travel into the future is said to be pure science fiction, but its not! Anyone who has had a 52nd birthday as i just have and those poor swine who're even older, as a bunch of my cousins are, who, much to my joy and amusement   are suffering the advent of advanced years at around the same time as my own birthday, thankfully it eases my own pain to see others suffer. These time travellers as that is what they are, know the feeling of having some event or something far ahead in the future and then  you wake up one morning and its zoomed past into the distant past and is dissapearing into your memories....Theres nothing wonderful or nice about it !  It is F**kin' terrifying. One day your a kid ,then a schoolkid and having a wild time with friends and fellow batchelors gay .(The 'G' word here is used in the free ,wild ,boozing ,womanising context ,before it was stolen). Now ,suddenly the 'WILD BUNCH' aren't quite so wild as their wives and their bad backs wont let them.
                                                                           Physicists say that the reason time goes foreward is due to THE ARROW OF TIME! There is a force called ENTROPY a posh scientific word for the increasing universal disorder. As order becomes disorder its ENTROPY increases which, apparently is the way of the universe....Everything is falling apart! Most of use can feel the effects of ENTROPY, or the feeling your life , body ,etc is falling apart...Aches pains ,etc its all THE ARROW OF TIME in universal terms ,but in personal terms its the CATAPULT OF LIFE!....

Basically your born, they cut the cord and 'TWANG' the catapult is fired and you are slung through the years of your life at a constantly accelerating rate until you land in a whole in the ground and your dead! Ah isn't life wonderful?

AN OLYMPIAN F**K UP!!!....THE PEOPLES GAMES, HMMMMM????

 Ever since the goverment announced that London was going to be thrown in to the hat to potentially host the OLYMPIC GAMES the political sounbites were drowned out by the nationwide groan that issued forth from the population who have lost all iota of trust and respect for our leaders and our betters? We all knew that it was going to be a total F**k up from the start. Building problems kicked off the debacle and then the costs started to escalate to millions n' billions and on and on. The OLYMPIC TORCH ,eventually hits our shores and promptly goes out! Sez it all ,i'd've thought. Security is a total F**k up a fortnight before the opening ceremony as some security firm that were paid millions have screwed up and we now need 3000 soldiers that we've recently axed due to military cutbacks, probably to pay for the games. Theres a fuss as the goverment have put ground to air rockets on peoples luxury appartments. I don't quite understand the need for these short distance rockets which would shoot a plane down over the middle of the city which could cause problems when aircraft and missile debris comes raining down on to the streets of the capital. Radar and tracking equipment can detect air traffic and potential threats half way around the world, even in WW2 they attacked the V1&2's before they arrived in the city ,but for some reason they have to be stopped at 'virtually'target zero!'

The 'PEOPLES GAMES' as they've been laughingly portrayed .The games are going to benefit us all , companies like that old British family firm, MCDONALDS.  They have managed to have small traders ,chippies , unable or banned ,legally unable to sell chips unless its with a certain portion of fish.

Apparently theres a organisation LOCOG (LONDON OLYMPIC AND PARALYMPICACT 2006)...They have banned the use of the OLYMPIC SYMBOL and even certain words and phrases with Olympic overtones ,referring to medals and 'going for gold,etc'....People ,shops ,villages over the months have been banned from using the olympic symbol ,like in butchers and bakers using sausages and bread to make the loops. Olympic parties can't be called that and even if they were celebrating the flame passing through couldn't copy the torch or have Olympic parties ,when they tried to remove the'O' to host re-named 'LYMPIAN' parties ,because it was obvious what its all about and is seriously frowned upon if not banned.

The peoples games are nothing to do with the people ,most people cant even get tickets and unless its not a goverment sanctioned celebration cant even celebrate and show their pride at being British ,cos funnily enough ,theres no reason to be so ,but a lot of people still are!

BOB N' BING!...ISN'T A FAULTY DOORBELL...ITS BOB HOPE AND BING CROSBY ONE OF THE FUNNIEST DOUBLE ACTS 'ON THE ROAD'!..

                                                                                                 You couldn't get two more American ,American entertainers than BOB HOPE and BING CROSBY....Ironically ,whereas BING is a pure American boy ,the archyotype American comic BOB HOPE is an ENGLISHMAN born and raised during his early days in gods country. He went over 'the pond' and ,suprise ,suprise , spent time in reform school and was a boxer for a while, joking  he was so bad they sewed handles onto his shorts ,or was that LES DAWSON?...He broke into showbiz and on it went . To boost his career America joined the SECOND WORLD WAR ,so Hope could go and entertain the troops. In fact as the years went on, whenever Hopes career was having a quiet time of it America would go to war ;KOREA, VIETNAM, he was there entertaining the troops. This may seem a little extreme , but you have to put a little effort in if you wish to create a showbiz legend . All i can say is that the yanks didn't know their favourite comedian ,friend of the troops and presidents was a Brit. Apparently 'Our Bob' was a bit of a womaniser and a bit of a lad ,liked a drink and was a friend of all the stars like 'THE RAT PACK' of which he was a regular. Everybody tuned into watch BOB HOPE reading his monologues even when he got to an age where he couldnt read his idiot cards.

He met up with the other great, BING CROSBY a one time jazz singer who liked a drink. App arently Bing was the guy who fought to have his radio shows recorded and through him taping techniques eventually developed. He gave LES PAUL some kind of recording tape system and this lead to multi tracking. BING CROSBY ,get this!.....His team created THE LAUGH TRACK!!!....Which we've all grown up wih ,and which is used even today for virtually every comedy show,  but for radical ,finger on the pulse comedians into reality comedy ,like THE OFFICE',without the laugh tracks.....I dont know if the attraction of BING CROSBY to  BOB HOPE was access to the laugh track ,he wouldn't have had  to worry about the audience ,he would've got an audience pissing themselves laughing at the press of a button ,indeed a comics dream. Crosby was the ultimate 'CROONER' and SINATRA was told to copy CROSBY by concenterating on the words rather than the jazz beat and tune and ,apparently thats just what'OL BLUE EYES'went and did. Everybody loved UNCLE BING...He made it look so easy. He put a lot of effort into making it look easy. He also liked a drink and was a great fan of 'THE WACKY 'BACCY!'....And according to one of his sons ,was a right bastard who used to beat them with a metal studded belt until he drew blood. Some of his brothers backed him and some denied it . Some of his sons blew their heads off with shotguns. The rest seem to be getting on with it. That tasty blonde actress who played TASHA YAR in STAR TREK..THE NEXT GENERATION was a grand daughter of BING.

When BING N' BOB  weren't wearing funny trousers and sweaters playing golf ,or bouncing abuse off each other  on stage, they made about 7 films all titled 'THE ROAD TO...'...DOROTHY LAMOUR  was their paramour in most of the films until the last 'THE ROAD TO HONG KONG'...Where lovely BING decided that 40-odd DOROTHY  was too old to appear, but HOPE insisted she did or he wouldn't appear, so she got a little 'bit' in the film to keep everybody happy and the leading lady was JOAN COLLINS...But our heroes were looking a little 'past it' and it was thought the young fresh PETER SELLARS stole their comic thunder. It was arranged for them to make a film in the middle 70's ...THE ROAD TO THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH'...This hit a hiccup soon after the decision was made to go ahead when BING  popped his clogs. They both had amazing lives living in amazing times ,wars ,prohibition ,gangsters ,etc and most important they were great to watch ,i admit to loving 'the crooners' and i watched a documentary about CROSBY the other day and he was so listenable as were they all, but he was so easy and funny and quick. HOPE was quick ,sharp and funny always doing the Oscars ,etc for year after year . He never got one and referred to the oscars as 'Passover. BING got one and on one of the road films HOPE grabs an Oscar and wont give it to CROSBY screaming how it was his and .."You've already got one!"...But although they were never a double act ,as such .They were perfect together and always worth watching.                                                           

ERIC SYKES (R.I.P.)...PLANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!

Sad news today as its announced that ERIC SYKES has died. I met him twice and he was a really nice and friendly humourous fellah in that cloud of cigar smoke ,a gent and as far as i'm concerned a comic genius. He got into writiing after an attempt to get into showbiz after the war along with everybody else filling the theatres and wireless waves in them days and a bit later the telly waves. He fell into writing and soon was writing for some big names of the time like FRANKIE HOWARD. Later he'd meet SPIKE MILLIGAN and they'd set up a writers co-operative and such comic luminories as GALTON AND SIMPSON, JOHNNY SPEIGHT and the DALEK inventor himself ,not DAVROS,but TERRY NATION and a variety of others through the years. SYKES helped MILLIGAN write his GOON SHOWscripts and actually on occassions took over the whole job ,when MILLIGAN was ill,or whatever. Whereas MILLIGANwas the achetype tortured genius throwing typewriters through windows ,or locking himself in offices for days on end, SYKES seems to have been a fairly level headed easy going bloke and wrote for many other peoples shows 'to help out'....He started his own show which became shortened from SYKES ON..... to 'SYKES' and with HATTIE JAQUES as ,originally his wife, but for comic freedom later becomming his sister at 28 SEBASTAPOL TERRACE ,EAST ACTON...ran for years. SKY are showing them again and i started watching them ,albeit unenthusiastically a year or two ago and i'd forgotten how witty and funny they were. SYKES was known for taking a simple premise and twisting it and stretching it to ridiculous lengths and it shows and that is the charm of the 'SYKES' series its not just another sitcom based in somebodies living room, its quite often a surreal universe with a settee in the middle.

The twisting an idea can be shown with two films he made ,the first a silent film about two labourers carrying a wooden plank ,aptly titled'THE PLANK',with his sidekick TOMMY COOPER and just about every British comedy actor there was. The other was 'RHUBARB.' Apparently when actors shoot a scene and are meant to be speaking in the background they ,so it was said , just repeat the word "RHUBARB,RHUBARB!"to each other. In his film all the characters throughout just said THAT word.

Sykes started having hearing problems in the 50's and had to learn to lip read. Funnily enough the big heavy spectacles he always seemed to wear weren't for his eyes and, apparently had clear lenses, but they were some kind of hearing aid. Years later when his eyes started going ,maybe they stuck something in his ears to help him see, i dont know.

YOU WAIT FOR AGES FOR A BUS ...THEN THREE COME AT ONCE AND WHIZZ STRAIGHT PAST!....BASTARDS!

When we left the wonderful land of Malaysia to come back to our pebble n' condom riddled shores .I said we'd swapped the bright lights of KUALAR LUMPUR for the broken streetlights of WARRINGTON. Which is ,fairly true ,but more likely to be the smashed bus stops of Warrington. I was treading through the crunchy shattered remains of one of the remains of the bus stops erected for the community and to protect people from the wind and rain and any other elements from which little old ladies and such need protecting from. For some reason ,which i have to proffess not having the slightest understanding as to the reason why, little scallie bastard kids n' teens who have decided to have a break from their computer or text phone are filled with an almost primal urge to smash plexiglass bus stops and windows in general .As i crunched through the shattered plexiglass crystals i glanced over the road and some member of this track suit clad adrenaline junkie hoards of knobheads had put the window of the chippy through???? Why? ,as the little bastards ,who ,actually are between a fifth and a bit less of my age are a lot taller than me....But ,anyhow they spend most of their feeding time in the bloody chippy.

I suppose the reason for the youth getting rid of the bus stops is partly as they consider them of no use .They stand there ,chewing, spitting ,smoking and looking generally intimidating. This has the desired effect upon the intimidated bus driver ,who instead of gearing down to slow and stop ,will gear up and accelerate over the plethera of speed bumps and whizz past the bus stop. The passengers getting tossed around the inside of the bus like an old episode of 'Star Trek', or Voyage to the bottom of the sea',where they always had a scene were the crew were thrown all over the place. Its got to a stage now where the bus drivers dont cruise around the route  taking it slowly so they're ready to stop ,but more like they adopt the RACING LINE  like FORMULA 1 drivers on a track, so they can get around their routes at the optimum speed as if to  get the bus version of pole position.

Then if you do manage to get on these examples of public transport(?)...We now have the ticket machine ,never has such an odious device been inflicted upon the public. Its value to the community is only equalled by the V2 BOMB from WW2. They charge a figure ,say 73 1/2 pence, nobody has that sort of small change ,so you end up giving a pound as theres a queue behind you as the last three busses have whizzed past and everyone is waiting for you to stop farting around looking for chang ,and they all have to do the same, so tickets may be relatively cheap, god bless our goverment, but the money being paid is way over. remember the old red busses with the open back and the chirpy bus conductor, just like 'ON THE BUSES'.... 

ROGER DALTREY...QUADROPHENIA...AND LIVERPOOL BOUNCERS THROWING PEOPLE OUT OF TOILETS AT A WHO CONCERT IN A TENT!

A certain famous cartoonist who goes by the name of HUNT EMERSON challenged me to draw the whole of the 'ORRIBLE 'OO'...THE WHO. So, eventually i did ,i managed to scribble ,scrape ,and splatter  a rough likeness of the man with the mighty leather lungs...ROGER DALTREY, from a few years ago. He truly did have and ,even now after a few problems ,still has an awsomely powerful voice. I always thought that PETE TOWNSHEND wrote songs in a spirit of spite to make Roger work . Fans only have to think of classics like 'WONT GET FOOLED AGAIN'..'LOVE REIGN OVER ME'...BABA O'REILLY' and on the list goes ,you dont often hear other people singing WHO songs, basically because i dont think they physically could. I met him once and It was a nice experiance to meet a personal hero and he was shorter than me, or the same height, but not taller. I definitly wouldnt like a smack off him, tho...He used to be a sheet metal worker and he's still got the stocky powerful build and shovel hands.

While i spoke to him i had a mobile and asked Roger if he could give my mate Simon a message .Simon meanwhile was in the process of getting thrown out of the toilets by one of Liverpools fine body of security men ,or BOUNCERS...When Simon asked him to give him a second as he was talking to ROGER DALTREY...The bouncer replied with the immortal line, "I dont care if its fuckin' ELVIS PRESLEY!!"....Roger laughed and told Simon to "BE LUCKY!"

He can be a bit bolchy ,but he says what he thinks ,when he did the WHO show in the LIVERPOOL SUMMER POPS he slagged of the LIVERPOOL CITY COUNCIL, all in there front row seats, much to the joy and pleasure of the crowd behind. The concert was in a massive marque and Roger commented how LIVERPOOL 'The home of rock n' roll' "And they put you in a fackin' tent!"This got a bit of grief  in the papers the following day. The following  night of the second show they laughed it off.   PETE TOWNSHEND said maybe next year they'd have a tin shed to play in.."..maybe thats all we fuckin' deserve!" Wonderful characters....Not friends ,brothers ,always fighting and arguing ,but there for each other if anyone piles in. 

PETE TOWNSHEND wrote QUADROPHENIA and had nothing but pain and trouble ,it was way ahead of its time and proved technically way to far ahead of its time that when they tried to perform it ,troubles erupted. TOWNSHEND, enraged would attack his sound engineer and wreck the sound equipment. Out of the smoke and carnage would be back to the old standards. It wasnt for nearly 30 years before they could contemplate playing the whole thing live.

But tonight across the U.S.A. on cinemas theres a special one off documentary about the making of the album...'THE REAL ME!'..With various concert footage etc, but we've got it on BBC4' tonight ,so we dont have to go out ,a nice take away and put the old SKY+ on. Lots of windmilling and leaping about the living room over the next few days ,methinks.

There is a possibility of THE WHO  doing a tour of QUADROPHENIA ,or "QUADRAFFEENNYA!" As those London chaps say. But up until a few months ago PETE TOWNSHENDS tinnitus and shagged out 'lug 'oles' are screwing up the chances of the faithful getting their WHO fix ,for a while . And i was told that DALTREY  and TOWNSHEND  were fighting over the lineup of the band, 50-odd years of totally disagreeing about everything ,i dont s'pose its going to change any day soon.

JOHN ENTWISTLE...'THE OX'...THUNDERFINGERS'....THE GREATEST BASS PLAYER EVER! POPPED HIS CLOGS 10 YEARS AGO TODAY (R.I.P.)

For a long time the wildest loudest rock band bar none was THE WHO....KEITH MOON battering hell out of his drum kit :ROGER DALTRY and his leather lungs screaming out the lyrics of PETE TOWNSHEND, who was hitting and bending notes combining screaming  feedback from his tortured lead guitar....The three of them created a cacopheny of noise and chaos that was beyond comprehension or belief. But ,ironically the far corner ,the left to the fan ,opposite TOWNSHENDS  corner was occupied by the quietest of the band . JOHN ENTWISTLE ,known as 'THE OX'...'THUNDERFINGERS'...and for some odd reason' THE QUIET ONE?'....He plugged his bass guitar into the most powerful amplification system he could find and blew everybody away. He played his bass like a lead guitar ,not the thrumming two finger the way most bass players in most bands tend to do....He had to match KEITH MOON, who went all out to hit every drum ,gong and cymbal in front of him ,so ENTWISTLE played cords at blinding speeds to match and beat 'MOON THE LOON'. And he had to beat the other 3 for noise and he did . DALTRY and him had a few run ins as ENTWISTLE would have the amps so high ,the volume would physically hurt DALTREY. He dealt with power and tune, his fingers moved like a lead guitarist but thunder came out from every touch....He was stunning.

Even though he was a quiet bloke he loved 'life on the road' and him and KEITH MOON were the team that drank and caused the chaos. His death ,on the eve of a WHO tour in a hotel room with a few ladies of the night and the sniffy sniffy white powder wasn't totally suprising. The tour was partly to help ENTWISTLE out financially as he did like the good life. But 10 years have gone ,much to my suprise ,i didnt think it was that long ago ,but when you get to a certain age ,never mind the clock !...The bloody calendars start running faster

THE HANDSHAKE ?

Me and my family are Irish and more than proud and happy to have those roots .I love the country and the people. We all know the 'troubles' which have been  going on for eternity and more. Lots of vicous acts have been committed on both sides and probably will be ,thankfully to a much  lesser extent than once before ,but the land is still full of dangerous nasty bastards who wont give up as far as they're concerned they're all in the right and F**k everybody else ,if you dont agree your the enemy and a target..

The queen god bless her is over in the bomb blastd town of ENISKILLEN over in NORTHERN IRELAND and despite the views of certain people ,she is being given a very warm welcome. Tomorrow she has to shake hands with ex -I.R.A. commander ,or something ,MARTIN MCGUINNESS. He may have wiped the blood off his hands ,moving into politics ,replacing the blood for the usual bullshit. His name is ironical as he's a member of some religous total abstinance and tee-total organisation which wont go near the stuff he's named after. But the queen has to be nice to the man who is said to have blown her uncle LORD MOUNTBATTEN to bits . I wonder wether she'll manage to be polite and charming ,or kick him in the bollocks or butt him in the face....good luck, m'am!

WAS IT THE INVENTION OF THE WHEEL OR THE TOILET HANDLE THAT CHANGED THE WORLD!....

As i was sitting about my abolutions having a dump ,or however you want to refer a natural relaxing and very neccesary ,but deeply frowned upon and ignored bodily function. It is good for the obvious reasons, but one of them in particular , like every cartoonist ,for some reason their toilet is a miniture library with comics and books piled high in the smallest room and so a great deal of time is spent emptying your lower parts while filling your upper parts with knowledge gleaned from whatever comic i am reading. In the old days of the simple flush where the cistern was up above your head you could yank the handle without having to move and carry on with your bog literary pursuits happily with nothing but a slightly wet bum. What also happened as you sat on the bogseat for up to an hour or so at a time ,you could lose the feeling to your legs ,but attain a bright red ring circling your upper buttocks and the back of your legs that would almost glow in the dark. Another danger was if after years of yanking the wooden handle ,it came off, and the chain unless that had snapped and was replaced by a looped piece of wire which i remember yanking on and the wire cutting into the crease of my palm and fingers. So i sat there on the lav with my hand bleeding over X-MEN issue 42. When ,a fter this i became aware of the dangers inherrant in going to the bog i wondered could i be sucked down by the flush vacumn and living in the NORTHERN HEMISPHERE getting sucked CLOCKWISE  down the plug hole....If i was in the SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE, well it would be an ANTI-CLOCKWISE down the Australian plug'ole.

But the time spent sitting improving my mind and toughening my buttocks on the toilet seat where shortened when the toilet cistern was lowered to below shoulder level and the handle was a press one. This entailed actually having to stand and press, so the moment had passed and you may as well wrap up and wait 'till your next visit to see if SPIDERMAN beats DOCTOR OCTOPUS...This lowereing of the flush lever meant that the later generations spent less time on the bog reading and improving their mind then we did in our day, and i propose that is partly the reason the kids of today are as thick as pig shit.  Now the press handle has gone replaced by hi-tech button press flushes on the top of the cistern ,one side is a little flush for pee's n' things the other is for heavier cargoes and loads...Keeps breaking tho' ,like all technological advances the cleverer they are the more can go wrong and the cleverer you have to be to fix them. But i'll leave it to you to decide which has had the greatest effect on the development and evolution of the human psyche ,the wheel or the toilet handle?...Bear in mind have you ever read a book riding a bike?


JAMES BOND IS A BASTARD 'COS HE KILLS PEOPLE...DANIEL CRAIG IS A BASTARD TO DRAW!!..

Through the years ,basically my lifetime i've shared my boyhood and manhood with that secret agent ,that "BOND, JAMES BOND!" chap the worlds most famous secret agent. When i became "LEATHERBARROW, TIM LEATHERBARROW" not quite the worlds most famous caricaturist, i attempted to draw the various JAMES BONDS of which theres been a few. I will show you my attempts on a future post maybe even tomorrow if your very lucky. I did a good job, if i do say so myself. I actually liked all the various Bonds and dont really have favourites as i think the various actors changing helped the JAMES BOND films survive for so long. I love the character on film and book. DANIEL CRAIG took over the reins to much fuss n' bother in the beginning ,but has more than proved himself and is the toughest meanest of them all. JAMES BOND is a bastard 'cos he kills people , but DANIEL CRAIG  is a bastard as he's proving damn near impossible to draw.

DANNY CRAIG is a good looking fellah and isn't handsome in a classical normal way, he has a very distinctive look about him, but even though i can visualise him and his features for some reason which is starting to drive me nuts is ....I CANNOT DRAW THE BASTARD!....DANIEL CRAIG , I HATE YOU!.....

I've doodled his face on beermats ,envelopes and page borders in newspapers and yellow pages and managed to get a likeness, but when i go to draw up my imagined sudden epithany and understanding of the essence of our favourite..'HER MAJESTY'S BLUNT WEAPON!'...

I think it very brave and self -effacing of me to show you the various sad attempts and failures i've spawned over the last year or two. No doubt i'll pull my pencil out of the old pot full of other pencils of various lengths and leads and will try sgain. This last one above ,like many others ,as i was drawing away and 'had it' ,right up until a drawn line was drawn and the spirit of the drawing was suddenly gone in a fraction of a second it took to draw the line, but you still plug on for another couple of hours even though you know you've lost it, but hope always beats eternal for the struggling caricaturist. I'll either have another go ,or they'll have to change JAMES BOND for another JAMES BOND, one easier to draw.

PROFESSOR STANLEY UNWIN, TOTAL GIBBERISH, BUT THE FUNNIEST TOTAL GIBBERISH IN THE SPINEY WORLDIBODE!!1

There was a lot of funny fellahs over the years a few examples ;SPIKE MILLIGAN, PETER COOK. MONTY PYTHON TEAM, JOHN LENNON,(he was quite witty and liked playing with words) ,but they all said at some point one of their inspirations was an ex BBC sound engineer by the name of STANLEY UNWIN.

The ex-BEEB sound engineer was quite simply a total nut!....He developed this way of speaking in total gibberish , which although total gibberish could actually be basically understood. But more importantly was ,in my mind the funniest thing in the world ,i absolutly loved him from the first time i heard him speaking. I found a heap of YOU TUBE footage and have been useless as i've been crying laughing ploughing through interviews and lectures by this nutter!

I worked as an on the spot caricaturist at a function in Liverpool a number of years ago and happened to glance around the dinner table that me n' the LOVELY LYNNE were sat on and i nearly choked 'cos sitting with us was ,the man himself..PROFESSOR STANLEY UNWIN!!!!....I couldnt believe it and had to introduce myself, i was so excited. Lynne sat and talked with him as i had to go and draw the guests. He was amused as Lynne told him that she'd only ever seen me this excited three times. Once when i found a breakfast cereal a few days previous which i thought they'd stopped making years before(Oat Crunchies,lovely!)...Second , when the daughter was born and most importantly meeting STANLEY UNWIN.

He was a really nice old fellah and talked the legs of me ,but only a tiny bit of UNWINESE, just as well as i fell over laughing ,in my posh and only dinner suit, no less. When we left him he wanted to send me a recording. But as he explained in a note he sent a while later ,he'd been ill and sure enough a few weeks later that wonderful old fellah' Springey popped his bootycloggy podes' and died.

He was buried next to his wife who'd died years previously. Typically he had on the tombstone..."REUNITEY IN THE HEAVENLY-BODE....DEEP JOY!"....Without doubt a total one off.

The caption on the cartoon is the opening of his narration of the SMALL FACES classic OGDENS NUT GONE FLAKE album.

THE 'ORRIBLE OO'!.....MY SCRIBBLING HISTORY WITH THE WHO!

As the dreading' screw up' that is the BRITISH OLYMPICS creeps ever closer we are filled with not just trepidation ,but outright fear. It started with the rocketing costs and inferior workmanship and reported scams ;And continued up until the OLYMPIC FLAME landed on our fair shores and....WENT OUT!....A good number of times, a sign of things to come?.....My favourite tho' was inviting KEITH MOON to play at the opening ceremony, only in Britain.

So along with GEORGE MICHAEL (YUK!)...And TAKE THAT ( Oh a'right!)....A blast of sense and class as the 'ORRIBLE 'OO'!....THE WHO ...ROGER DALTREY and PETE TOWNSHEND are coming home to close the whole (possible)travesty ,some might say rescue it. By playing at the closing ceremony.

This is a picture i did of the FEEDBACK KING as he is now. white haired ,whats left that is ,but enjoying his playing and seemingly content.

An American lady friend and mad ,and i do mean mad WHO fan.....Her car number plate is WHOGIRL....The lovely ,nutty PAMELA WOODWARD asked me to do a 1970's PETE TOWNSHEND with the boiler suit ,beard , boots and leaps, then the cheeky cow wanted a 60's UNION JACK JACKET wearing angry young guitar smashing MOD...And being the lovely bloke i am i done it for her. She did offer sexual favours ,but the LOVELY LYNNE wont let me accept.

This was a painting i tried a while ago for this very blog of the wonderful ROGER DALTREY after we'd gone to see them somewhere again(listens for communal groan ,cant hear one so goes back to typing this shit!)....Went to see his TOMMY tour and took the daughter ,i think she quite liked it..He was in fine voice after some work on his throat, so with a bit of luck the boys could be back on the road ,but Roger hasn't sounded better in years . But since then daughter has everything covered in UNION JACKS and MOD / R.A.F. roundels ,even the laces of her DOC MARTENS(13 years old ,its gonna get worse.)

A silly distortion of PETE TOWNSHEND  letting rip, With his peircing blue eyes he can look quite manic, but i quite like it ,not technically brilliant i s'pose, but since when have i been technically brilliant?.....SHUT IT!

The day after watching the LIVERPOOL PHILHARMONIC do the PLANET SUITE ,as it is the LOVELY LYNNES fave peice y'see,,,,Much as i enjoyed it i had to play some real classical music the following day. LIVE AT LEEDS blowing the double glazing out and cracking the house foundations.

This was another blog post recording an evening at the ROUNDHOUSEin LONDON, where ,funnily enough...THE WHO played and played very well.

I was laid up ill when THE WHO played at the half time break at the American football world super bowl or whatever they call it....God bless SKY+...I had to record about 8 hours to get the half time show....It was short, but sweet. I had to laugh later as the Americans had THE WHO and that afternoon closer to home,WARRINGTON RLFC had JEDWARD on at half time, ah us Brits dont do things in halves, eh?

And ,of coure me TOWNSHEND painting, nowhere else to put it so i might as well bung it on here.

FORGET LADY GA-GA !....'COS QUEEN ER-ER IS HERE!

After a week of celebrating all that is great about GREAT BRITAIN, as we are great  whatever everybody else thinks!!!....This was through the celebrating of the QUEENS JUBILLEE, 60 years of waving and shaking fingers with the great ,mighty ,big ,small, pathetic, heroic ,dictators and despots from all over the world on a daily basis, our favourite royal granny is still going strong. And she's a damn site stronger than me after standing in the pissing down rain and hurricane winds for 7-8 hours on a boat on the RIVER THAMES without a break ,(maybe a hip flask and the royal catheter) waving at thousands of well wishers sailing by on hundreds of boats. PRINCE PHILLIP the bosses 'other half broke under the strain ,a mere boy of 90-odd and his bladder couldnt stand the strain ,either too many snifters from the royal hip flask ,or he was trying to avoid the'pop' concert the following day....Which i'm sure isn't true , i'm sure he couldn't wait to see KYLIE MINOGUE, CLIFF RICHARD  n' ELTON JOHN. 'ELT' seems to have developed this severe lisp. We saw him about 10 years ago and i thought he sounded as if he had a bit of a lisp and it seemed to be becoming more pronounced as the 'gig' went on. It was during 'SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD' that i fell off my chair laughing as it sounded like DAFFY DUCK singing ELTON JOHN'S greatest hits. But the Royal concert seemed to go well and rounded off with SIR 'MACCA'S' showstopper 'LIVE AND LET DIE', with missles and bombs and basically it looked like SMERSH had finally beaten JAMES BOND and blown the hell out of LONDON.

But now the glory is over we're back to normal ,work n' pissing down rain....And the EUROPEAN CHAMPIONSHIPS footy tournament. ENGLAND v FRANCE this very evening. FRANCE have been in the UKRAINE for weeks acclimatising and training ,while our brave boys have been scattered about on a range of holidays after a hard season. So we being British are just nipping over at the last minute to beat 'JOHNNY FOREIGHNER' and pop back home again without breaking a sweat. Well we just might break more than a sweat. STEVEN GERRARD in a press conference said that the extreme temperatures that they'll be experiencing over there during the game wont be any excuse for any problems or defeat ,but by mentionig it like that it is now the accepted reason, the excuse for ENGLAND getting their arses kicked onto the first flight home. I await to be proved wrong, but i'm not holding my breath.

Going off on an obtuse angle to the football , i was in a footy stadium only last night for the first time in years. Long ago i watched LIVERPOOL play at ANFIELD then years later saw PINK FLOYD at MANCHESTER CITY'S old ground MAINE ROAD , and last night we were at City's new ground ,ironically called the UNITED STADIUM( ouch!)...To see COLDPLAY, as it was a family x mas present so off we went and i have to say it was an impressive show, everybody was given a wristband that lit and flashed through the show and was an amazing site with all the wrists in the capacity crowd , but most important COLDPLAY   were very loud and rocking, i enjoyed it.

As MANCHESTER rumbled and reverberated to the sound of COLDPLAY last night , the fair city of BIRMINGHAM would've been bouncing to the sound of  that god of cartoonists and my very great friend HUNT EMERSON and his band the HOUNDOGS performing amongst tents and caravans at his and his friend Jesse's 60th (lot less as proffessionally organised as Coldplay do) birthday party. I haven't been in touch with the EMERSONMEISTER so i dont know wether he had a good time or wether he even survived to tell the faintly remembered no doubt boozy tale. Sorry we couldn't make it, old son, but again "HAPPY BIRTHDAY,Y'AWL FART, HUNT!"

OUR FAVOURITE SLIMEY BELLY BUSTING ALIENS WITH THE MASSIVE ROWS OF TEETH ARE BACK IN A FILM I CANT SPELL.

                                                                            

                                                                               As my faithful followers and dedicated readers to my finger on the pulse , ear to the ground reports and writings on all whats what on life the universe and everything ,(except for the Queens jubillee.....I'll leave that for another groundbreaking exclusive)...will know theres nothing your leader cant find to shock n' amaze you, dear followers, this is an example...The above image is a rare shot of an early version of one of the most famous and gory special effects ever to be put on film, by the wonderful RIDLEY SCOTT when he made the classic ALIEN. No CGI effects in them long forgotten days ,but still the film is one of the definite certains to have you jumping out of your epidermis, even if you've seen it about 42 times.  JOHN HURT having the worst case of indigestion in the whole of the galaxy is one of the all time classic movie moments. As you can see the special effects have to be worked on and dont always go to plan at first attempts....Who knows how many things had to burst out of JOHN HURT'S guts before they hit upon a design they liked and, for that matter was it always the stomach it was going to burst forth from?

Our favourite razor toothed multi tongued slimey carniverous acid blooded face hugging wee beastie went on to re-appear in a heap of other films , but not getting it all their own way ,oh no! They had their scaley arses well n' truly kicked by the lovely SIGOURNEY WEAVER as RIPLEY she(understandebly) was always getting drooled on by the ALIENS, and who could blame them, most of the fellahs watching the blood n' gore spent a little aside to share with the aliens in a little drool over the heroic SIGOURNEY WEAVER. After the lovely Sigourney you couldnt really compare the  not so lovely Aliens, i'm sure they were sexy in their own slimey face hugging way , beauty is in the compound eyes of the Alien beholder remember. But when Sigourney left the Aliens took on the other bunch of Aliens,these were called predators so you dont get your carniverous invading alien forces mixed up, but these guys  took on ARNOLD SCHWARTZENNEGGAR(Jeez!..I dont know if thats how you spell it!)..And you'll not be too suprised to learn they had the shit kicked outta them..But in a couple of less than wonderful films cashing in,  they had a few 'set too's' without ARNIE or SIGOURNEY to knock the bejabbers outta them. Incidently if i had to choose an opponent to fight between BIG ARNIE and SEXY SIGOURNEY it would be Arnie ,nobody stands a chance against SIGOURNEY.

The fellah that made the two greatest sci-fi films of all time ALIEN and BLADE RUNNER is back to the sci-fi world again for the first time in years. He made ALIEN, which i could spell..The sequel ALIENS....I could spell that too, and ,yes even ALIEN3....But the Alien prequel ,for that apparently is what it is ,so ,sorry chaps prequel means it happened before ...Yes before Alien ,sooo... ,no SIGOURNEY WEAVER!...sob, sniff, snort!!.....But the title is one i may have trouble spelling ,i think, but i'm sure you'll tell me if i screw up ,you seem to enjoy doing that...But the title is....wait for it...' PROMETHEUS!'....There, did i get it right?  So after the CGI  whizz bang that was AVENGERS ASSEMBLE the other day i wonder how RIDLEY SCOTT will handle it all ,he is a true film artist and if he cant make special effects look good again ,nobody can. I watched the AVENGERS and it was ok ,but the cgi effects are so fast that it is murder keeping up with the action ,thats why ages ago on this very blog i moaned about the last JAMES BOND film QUANTUM OF SOLACE as it was so frenetic and impossible to follow ,i'm hoping that the new film SKYFALL will 'just slow down', even if it means getting rid of CGI and blue screen and going back to real stunts and models etc...DANIEL CRAIG is great so lets see what he's doing without having to rewind all the time......F**kin' computers screw up everything!

AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON F**KIN' 3D!!!!!!.....I WILL SOON ,SO 'TILL THEN...As BIG ARNIE  himself said..(altogether now!)."I'LL BE BACK!"

PAUL WELLER ,THE MODFATHER MIGHT HAVE A SILLY HAIRCUT, BUT AT LEAST HE'S STILL GOT A HAIRCUT!....

To many PAUL WELLER  will always have a god-like status because of his fronting of the great old band THE JAM....With their dark suits and yanked loose ties and aggressive guitars and drums as well as the sneering cockney lyrics ,they were a great band and for a few years were very successful....PAUL WELLER was the main man in the trio, they all had silly spikey haircuts and for somebody pushing the mod ethos, smart and stylish ,it seemed funny that they had these funny 'Barnets' as they say 'darn sarf!'(down south!)....Mods were very particular about their cloths and haircuts. Weller broke THE JAM up and formed a more poppy musical band called 'THE STYLE COUNCIL'....I thought they were pretty shit so called them 'THE STOOL COUNCIL!'...Pretty witty, eh?..No, ok please yerself!...Weller may have embraced style ,but still had that silly haircut. When THE STOOL COUNCIL had folded or flushed away  Weller went his own way and years later he's still banging out classy rock and a variety of musical sounds . A very clever bloke, with a silly haircut, maybe ,but what pisses most people off is the fact that at his age he's still got the silly haircut ,silvery grey maybe ,but a full head of silly hair which is more than most of us do ...The bastard!

WE DONT WANT GORGEOUS PEOPLE ON OUR TELLY DOCUMENTARIES ,WE'RE BRITISH ..WE WANT FAT,OLD,SCRUFFY,HALF BLIND PATRICK MOORE!!!

                                                                               I quite like watching documentaries on the telly on a variety of subjects, i like history , mainly military and sporting history ,funnily enough i dont have a lot of time for current sport ,but love watching old boxing ,old motor racing and old Liverpool games ,we used to win them in the old days, except for one i watched last night ...LIVERPOOL V AJAX from 1966....LIVERPOOL  got battered over the two legs ,something like 7-2. I was also watching JACK DEMPSEY ,JACK JOHNSON(FROM 1909, ...With one fight and you could see WYATT EARP refereeing,amazin' stuff0...rocky marciano, joe louis ,etc ,all great fights i could watch all the old stuff forever ,much to the disgust of my beloved wife ,THE LOVELY LYNNE  ."Whats the point"?...They show the motor racing from the 60's and 70's and the great drivers and amazing crashes. I also enjoy the military histories ,mainly 2nd world war ,but am branching out to the first and the NAPOLEONIC time thanks to the old SHARPE series . But i love space science programmes.

I've always been space mad....GERRY ANDERSON kickstarted me off with FIREBALL XL5....The comic TV21 with wonderful artwork was all the rockets and DALEKS and space....Then APOLLO 8 went round the back of the moon....WOW!....Then APOLLO11 ,etc.....I was blown away by the last APOLLO 17 as they travelled over mountains and valleys for days the sights must have been astounding. Then i was blown away by VIKING landing on MARS and that famous picture still to this day captivates me...."MY GOD ,THATS THE SURFACE OF MARS!"....I want it as wall paper in the living room ,you'd have a martian panoramic vista around the room of the surface , except for the heating radiator ,the telly and the odd cupboard ,i wouldnt mind ,but THE LOVELY LYNNE doesnt seem as keen.

Then the VOYAGER pictures of the outer planets and moons ,totally mind blowing ,they look a little old these days, but at the tme ,MY GOD!....The planets are all HD now and are amazing. I still look at a surface pictures and am unashamedly and totally stunned n flabbergasted...."My god that is Saturn ,or thats Europa ,etc..."....The documentaries are mainly computer generated images of the wonders of the universe ,which are fairly impressive and nessesary because in most cases its the only ways of showing so much. But stuff like the MARS ROVERS photographs ,as far as i'm concerned should be shown daily on prime time telly as should the CASSINI mission to SATURN...Etc, The documentaries, though they are visually very impressive are very irritating..whereas once upon a time a narrator would talk through whatever....Now we have these bright smiley young bushy tailed American scientists telling us how...."LIKE TOTALLY AWESOME...COOL...FUN ..GEE..WOW...FUN...ETC,ETC....."And listening to these 'whizz kids' buzzing away ,gets on my f**ki' tits and  drives me up the wall....Why cant they get one of the main scientists who designed and built or flew missions or whatever and let him give us a straight explanation and the benefit of his experiance and knowledge?....We're British and we dont have 'Dudes spouting how 'awesome such a thing is and how cool ,etc, as they explain so knobheads like me can understand ...No! we have an aged ,half blind ,fat ,miserable old get to fuel our love of the cosmos ,a certain MR PATRICK MOORE...Looking a bit 'shagged out' these days ,but still ,maybe not out in his garden with his 15 inch reflector these days, but still guiding THE SKY AT NIGHT' for its 800 th year ,god bless 'im!

KENNY DALGLISH HAS GONE ,THEY SHOULD HAVE A SUBS BENCH ,NOT JUST FOR THE PLAYERS ,BUT FOR THE MANAGERS!!!

 

                                                                                           LIVERPOOL FOOTBALL CLUB have it has to be said  had better days. The last few seasons haven't been storming successes, but they haven't been terrible failures either. They brought KENNY DALGLISH back last year to run the show and rescue a club that had been screwed up by some money gobbling American owners. and for a while things seem to be going well. Dalglish did make a few mistakes ,mainly on the P.R. front defending badly behaved stupid arsehole petulant foreign players, etc, etc, but thats what managers do ,defend the club, but it didnt look good and ,after all thats all that matters in these fine days  just what looks good. There was a time before clubs bought new foreign players less than once a day and changed squads less than once a fortnight. In those long gone halcyon days of teams ,rather than squads, players were the reason that clubs lost games and would be dropped and had to fight for their places. Now as they've got agents and cost so much to pay in wages and being treated generally like royalty, clubs cant afford not to play these 'gods'....So these days dont drop the player ,just drop the manager.....

Long gone are the days of the tracksuited man with a red bobble hat ,a rusty bucket and 'the sponge, he was the trainer ,or coach sitting next to the other guy in boots and tracksuit ,the manager. That was the backroom boys .BILL SHANKLY  had the BOOTROOM were the great decisions were taken ,not by the board of suits ,but the cold wet muddy ,tracksuited team SHANKLY had put together who knew the players ,cared for them and loved the club ,its traditions and all it stood for and were getting peanuts for their work and devotion.

Now players whizz in and out through the revolving doors at the entrance to the players suites as do the managers so fast that any appreciation of a clubs tradition ,etc ,just doesnt exist anymore. Theres only a few people in a few clubs who've been there so long they are a part of the history ,not just a footnote of the story of that club. People like ALEC FERGUSON at MANCHESTER UNITED much as it pains me to mention them . One of the others was KENNY DALGLISH  at LIVERPOOL, but no more ,some Italian ,Spanish ,south American guy will step into the breech until hes earned a few million and gets sacked or his agent gets him a job abroad. Maybe its getting to the stage where they have a subs bench for the players ,they should also get a subs bench for a bunch of managers ,so they can chop, change and sack the managers whenever, even mid game.

PETE TOWNSHEND THE FEEDBACK KING AND JAMES BOND AND DANIEL CRAIG ARE GOING TO MAKE MY YEAR.

                                                                                  I may be a miserable middle aged ol' fart, but i'm still just a big kid at heart. I read comics ;watch action films and i'm even starting to read the old pulp fiction paperback novels i read as a schoolboy. I tried reading educational non-fiction, but i got really pissed off watching the daughter and the missus,The Lovely Lynne race through a 2ooo page book in an hour and a half. Lynne said to try just reading some stories and stop the futile attempt to educate myself. So i started reading paperbacks again. I remember my dad used to read war and westerns and always had a 3 foot mound of paperbacks by his chair. A few of you will remember the old SVEN HASSELL war books about the german penal battallion with PORTIA,TINY ,THE OLD MAN, THE LEGIONNAIRE ,HIEDI..As their adventures through Europe and the Russian front unfolded in a series of gory war  stories. There was a series of books called the DESTROYER,a bout a trained assasin called REMO WILLIAMS and his aged korean trainer in the killing arts CHIUN. There were hundreds of them .Also the EXECUTIONER, A guy namedMACK BOLAN waging war against the MAFIA,who not very nicely murdered his family, there are thousands of them.There were lots of characters with names like THE PENETRATER,or THE DESTRUCTOR,THE PUNISHER,etc.... There was also a cowboy series about a half indian very mean guy named EDGE, which satiated any blood thirsty schoolkid... O.K. not great literature, but i'm enjoying myself. THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E. films were shown on TCM lately ,so that spurred me on to trashy telly ,VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA;THE INVADERS; GARRISONS GORILLAS ;KUNG FU. And some home grown talent;SUPERCAR;FIREBALL XL5; U.F.O.; CALLAN....And JAMES BOND.

                                                                                   Pathetic as it may seem i'm quite excited at the fact that the new BOND film, SKYFALL will be out in a few months. I just hope they cut out that hi-speed frenetic action ,or just plain bad editing that marred the last two films .They were filmed so you just couldnt figure out ,just what in god's name was going on,no matter how many times you wound foreward and back. I still, to this day cannot work out what is going on in the car chase that QUANTUM OF SOLACE opens with. But heres hoping they go back to the more traditional way of filming...Action and violence is like a fine painting and has to be done right so it looks right and can be displayed and enjoyed forever like most of the scenes in all the other BONDS through the years.

And if the worlds favourite secret agents return in SKYFALL isn't enough the worlds greatest musician, guitarist ,songwriter and character  PETE TOWNSHEND is releasing his autobiography after years of trying and failing to get his life down on paper, and dropping himself in deep troubles along the way.... . So with two of my own personal heroes making a showing around October ,i think i'm going to be a happy man thats my birthday present ,(or some) solved. And if THE WHO announce a tour to help promote the book , i'll be a happy middle aged grumpy old schoolboy.

WHAT DO 'BILL AND BEN THE FLOWERPOT MEN', EDWARD WOODWARD AND FIZZY WATER GOT TO DO WITH A FART IN THE BATH?



I was sitting having a cup of coffee having a few minutes to watch the world go by and couldnt help noticing how many people were clutching bottles of fizzy water. I cant remember anyone wanting to constantly drink bottles of water...In my day ,it were 'pop, or beer ,or tea  or coffee, but anything other than water. Water was used to make other drinks or to help you swallow tablets. But for the life of me i cannot understand what made water 'fashionable'. Everybody walking around clutching their i-pod ,or phone /internet thingey ,texting away like mad with one hand while clutching a bottle of water in the other. I still think taps are pretty handy devices, meself. Take my home turf of Warrington. I'm not crawling round gasping for water, seeing mirages of oasis's or anything ,i mean its not as if we're in a tropical hi-humidity jungle climate  and theres not a single desert ,well for miles.....We hardly see the sun and do tend to get lots of water, it just pours out of the sky.

I was contemplating this social conundrum of fashionable 'fizzy water' and wondered where it came from and a silly idea came into my head as a baby in a pram sitting at a nearby table 'let one rip '...A thunderous fart!..It wasn't me ,honest ,guv'nor!....But i had this image of somebody gorged on BAKED BEANS  and cheap lager farting their brains out in the bath producing gallons of 'fizzy water'. How do all the trendy water guzzlers know that this isn't how its made.

When i was younger, we ,like most my age never had a shower and had our weekly bath. Getting in very slowly as the water was boiling , lying there untill your body got used to the scalding heat so you could move and reach for your ,book, comic, or , as i'm sure some of you devils did ...A mucky book!....Never did meself ,being a good catholic lad i am!!!!!....And you would sit in the bath until it went cold. But one of the joys of a hot bath was the FART IN THE BATH!....The bubbles erupting to the surface and your giggling to yourself. The kids television characters BILL N' BEN THE FLOWERPOT MEN'....Used to speak in jibberish. Bill spoke something along the lines of "FLOBALOBALOB!"....and BEN said"BOBDEBOP!"....Nope! I have absolutly no idea what the hell they were talking about ,but they sounding like various BATH FART noises which amused me greatly. Before you think i've no culture or class i shall prove you totally wrong and throw a quote from the greatest actor in the world LAURENCE OLIVIER. Apparently he was working with one of my favourite actors CALLAN, himself, EDWARD WOODWARD. Olivier said that the name EDWARD WOODWARD sounded like the"noise a fart in the bath makes!"....If its good enough for a great thespian like LAURENCE OLIVIER to fart in the bath ,its ok for me, buster. Now after reading that do youstill want that bottle of water?