CLEANING THE HOUSE,CARTOONING ,WAGING WARS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN,THEN WALK THE DOGS!....

It's a 24 hour ,7day a week job running the country. No rest for our fine body of ministers working full-time , non stop ,in a variety of departments and ministries. Everything from the dept of screwing things up; Minister for spin,soundbites and general bullshit; Dept of bungs and back handers ,under the minister for Dodgy donations. And focus groups and research panels into the best Prime Minister hairstyle ,to the best shape for the Great British Tea bag ,(square ,round ,triangular?)..It's all vital stuff in keeping whats left of Britain great. It struck me as funny the only part time job was the Minister of Defence. With 'Our boys'out in a variety of wars ,or policing actions ,as the Yanks are keen to call'em. The countries on a bright red security alert due to our jolly terrorist threat .Only this morning on Sky news ,the Home secretary told us to have a happy xmas shop,but just look out for the odd terrorist 'Dirty bomb'. So, with all this there obviously isn't enough to keep somebody occupied full time .
So, i 've applied for the post as Minister of defence. I can do some cartoon work ,hoover up the house,wash the dishes ,walk the dogs ,pick up the daughter from school; And ,plan operations in Afghanistan and Iraq,and possibly prepare operations against Iran. With the cordless phone i can potter about the house and still liase with MI5&6,over terrorist 'stuff'. As long as they don't call me about 3 o'clock ,as i normally have a peice of toast and 'put the kettle on while 'Frasier's on the telly .But otherwise Great Britain and the defence of the realm is in good hands,and is my main priority.My Missus agrees,only as long as the house is clean ;the dogs walked ;she's at school. ....And then, lest we forget my insightful/finger on the pulse cartoons. I've just found out i have to cut 1Billion off the MOD budget. I'll do my bit .I'll use my own pens and wont charge for all the tea bags(round) i go through organising our armed forces around the world.

MOTOWN, BLOOD ,SWEAT N' SPIT-VALVES

The other week i went to see the Missus play her first 'gig' in a recently formed motown band. She also plays trombone in a swing orchestra as well as a Ska band. It was from the Ska band that the Motown band was formed. She's no great fan of Motown ,but she's loving playing. I have to say it went really well. The crowd were 'up fer it' and really enjoyed it, as did the Missus ,who was terrified before they started playing. It came as no suprise to me, her faithful husband/groupie,as i know how good she is. But what did astound, amaze and suprise me was the amount of use my dearly beloved made of her spit-valve....There was gallons coming out of the bloody thing, every few seconds so it seemed to me. The front three rows of the audience must've nearly drowned. Aside from that ,there was the ankle deep puddle around her ankles(thats how i worked out the depth you see!)....There was all the electric cables for the speakers and amps, etc .I half expected a bright flash n' a loud bang and a more than slightly singed missus smoking away on the suddenly darkened stage.

We've been married now a good few years and i thought i knew her well .But, i never dreamed she could produce so much spit .She'd have been great in our school where we all used to walk the streets (never the playground) gobbing all over the pavements ,cos we was 'dead hard'. Next time we have a 'kiss n' a cuddle', i think i may need to bring a snorkel and a set of flippers.

Actually ,if you want to have a look at a few clips ot THE MOTOWN BAND, on you tube,put on by somebody called TERRY T POTT (TerryTpott)..Those of you who know Lynne (the Missus) will clearly see her about her tuneful duties. Go on ,have a look ,i guarantee you wont get wet.

PARP TOOT N' SPLOOSH!!!

TRAVELLING THE WORLD MEETING TOTALLY UNINTERESTING MOVIE STARS CELEBRITIES AND COMEDIANS.

Every time i turn the telly on ,there seems to be another 'Star' of stage ,screen n' soap travelling to 'out of the way places around the globe. Bravely travelling alone in their various odd n'odder modes of transport, alone except for their camera crew. And for those that make apoint of showing they're travelling with a crew, there's a second crew to film the star and the first crew. They're all jumping on the' travel the world freebie bandwagon'. Especially the comedians. Michael Palin doesn't pretend to be a funny guy on his travels, just seems to enjoy himself and its infectious ,my missus just loves him. The others ,well the main source of amusement for me is watching the locals in Africa or Mongolia looking at this nutter fronting these camera and sound crews and wondering 'what the bloody hell is he on about.'(in African ,or Mongolise,of course.)...You never saw the comedians in the old days 'oohing and aaahhin' at Silver backed gorillas in the wild;Frankie Howard ,Sid James ,Bernard Manning ,Kenneth Williams,Benny Hill,etc,etc.Ahh, the mind boggles doesn't it.But there's bound to be the next batch of would be globe trotters lining up their journeys and modes of transport for the next batch for all of us who are staying at home to suffer through. I always thought that Silver Backed Gorillas were dying out ,on the verge of extinction. But wherever a celebrity goes in these programmes, theres always an episode where they're whispering 'oohhs n' aahhs and outstandings!' to camera, as they spy on a family of gorillas. We're overun with the bloody things ,i tell you.

The first pantomime horse to cross the Sahara Desert.

'HOW'S IT FEEL TO BE THE FIRST CELEBRITY PANTOMIME
HORSE TO CROSS THE SAHARA DESERT ,ALONE ON HOOF?'

THE LITTLE RICHARD OF THE COMPUTER KEYBOARD (Or does the computer hate me more than i hate the computer?)

As ever i was going to change the course of history with the power of my inciteful/finger on the pulse cartoons on this here blog, as read by the rich n' powerful people who matter all over the world. Well,if they want to stay at the top of their various trees it wouldn't do them any harm to tune into my inciteful/finger on the pulse comments and cartoons. I apologise for todays lack of such 'stuff'. Don't blame me ,blame the missus.
I got a call from my dearly beloved,(thats the missus,by the way.)..She wanted me to E-mail her photo page from her passport to her. It sounded fairly straightforeward even to a computer luddite like myself. I set to scanning and even managed that ,no sweat. Swelled with pride at my technological breakthrough, i put the kettle on!.....Next came the E-mailing bit. A few attempts and i got nowhere .....So, i put the kettle on again!.....Re-scanned the passport page on another document, and tried again. No fxxxx'in' luck!, So, iput the kettle on again and went through the whole rigmarole again, no luck...Didn't put the kettle on ,went for a pee, instead. Then ,put the kettle on!.....Went through it all again . The language was getting more colourful and the finger impacts on the keyboard was increasing somewhat......So, put the kettle on! Came back ,and went back to the beginning ,and ....I DID IT!!!!!....At last the bloody thing was sent off. I celebrated by putting the kettle on,by the way. Now ,every single document on the computer has the Missus's smiling face looking out at me.It's like she's there watching me all day ,making sure i don't look at nudie ladies, or buy comics n' dvd's on e- bay....As if i'd ever do such things ,i'm a respectable cartoonist putting the world to rights .....S'cuse me ,i've got to go,ithink the kettles boiling. (And theres a boxed set of FireballXL5 dvd's due for auction soon. )

IT'S NOT ONLY THE GOVERMENT REPEATEDLY MAKING BLOODY STUPID MISTAKES, EVEN CARTOONISTS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO AS WELL.

The goverment are showing themselves to be the crappiest and crudiest set o' tossers since the last lot. They're so bad , they're great! And they keep smiling ,admittedly through clenched teeth and bullshitting their way through, so they deserve our respect. The country might be in an uncontrollable nosedive,on ,basically every level(financial,security,football,etc,etc,etc,), but thats beside the point. Biggins and Rodney Marsh are still on ',I'm a celebrity.' So, thats alright then . Gordon Brown and his gang of teeth n' suits are at their lowest in popularity and public confidence. I thought i'd do an inciteful/finger on the pulse cartoon to show how the goverment would twist/spin the facts. So, i set to scribbling..............

........Until i noticed that my inciteful/finger on the pulse cartoon was one i used on a previous article on this here blog site, when i was being inciteful and fingering pulses, as us cartoonists do.(?)....So, there you go , The blogs worse than the bloody telly for showing repeats.

LOOK FAMILIAR ?

Heap o' lion shit

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH , THE TOUGH START CRYING FOR THEIR MUMMY !

Every where you look there's trendy gym's. Where once they were little places in side streets in city centres, where you'd walk up creaky old wooden staircases to a large mouldy carpeted couple of rooms with battered punchbags swinging from dangerously rusted hooks hanging from dangerously mouldy/damp roof joists. The dangerously sounding creaking of the bag n' ceiling was drowned out by the sound of metal weights banging and clanging away as various club bouncers and city gangsters lifted and dropped loose weighted bars back on to the floor causing the whole building to shake dangerously. Now, thats all gone .The gym's are all huge places the size of the average Asda store .Loose weights have dissapeared and been replaced by a variety of machines which work on the biggest to the smallest most inaccessable muscle you may have depending on which Heath Robinson device you go for. The main difference is the lines and lines of treadmills so ,for some reason people can pay the ridiculous membership fees to just run on the spot. In some cities ,i remember seeing it first when i once went to New York(i used to get around y'know.) But, what i saw was a whole block ,and through the windows was hundreds of people running on the spot, i couldn't believe it. Now you can watch the telly as you run with each treadmill with it's own telly.
I can live with this quest for the body beautiful by the beautiful people ,all the membership packages ,personal trainers ,etc,etc. But, apparently some people have started their babies on an excercise regime ,with personal trainers ,etc. The poor kids in their SHELL NAPPIES, or is it TRACK NAPPIES crawling on the treadmills watching THE TELLYTUBBIES,or whatever before their DUMMY RAISES or TEDDY LIFTS to work on their six pack ,or six milk carton. It's comforting to know the world is going crazier. In years to come we'll all be nutters ,but we'll all be fit nutters.

EVEN THE EAGLES WOULDNT DARE GO WHERE RICHARD BURTON AND CLINT EASTWOOD WOULD DARE!!!!!

If i turn on the telly and stumble across the snowy Austrian mountain opening sequence with the sound of a turbo prop aircraft being gradually drowned out by an increasingly loud regular drum beat, then 'dead dramatic' music.....Then it can only mean one thing. Its...WHERE EAGLES DARE!....Yet again and i'm hooked for the next 2 hours or whatever as Clint and Richard wipe out the German army, yet again. I've only seen it 341/2 times this year. TCM show it about 3 times/week ,on average. So, i've not watched it more times than its actually broadcast, which ,makes me slightly less of a sad bastard than i could potentially be , sometimes its probably a good thing not actually reaching your full potential.. But it's a great ol' film anyhow and explains how we won the war.

                          Obviously with spies of the calibre of Clint n' Richard, we couldn't go wrong. 'Dead hard n' mean',and Richard Burton being 'dead clever', as well. The germans were stupid ,slow and couldn't use their weapons as good as our boys. 50 German soldiers would open fire on Clint and only hit the wall. Then Clint would step out,give 'em a steely 'Clint glint' which obviously intimidated the Germans as they didn't open fire and stood there as Clint blew them all apart.

                                     Then we have the hand grenades. When 'we' throw a grenade it lands in the middle of the ,machine gun nest, Tank turret,or whatever and explodes right on cue, inflicting the maximum damage possible. Not the Germans tho'. They throw their stick grenades underhand and they clatter along the floor to Clints feet ,Clint then calmly bends down to pick it up ,swings his arm back and throws it back. It sails through the air, hits the ground ,clatters along the corridor until it arrives back with its owner then, finally explodes. The Germans were very soft as well ,as they always got killed .Whereas 'our lot',only get wounded. You don't mess with Clint n' Richard, Even the Eagles wouldn't dare. Ahh, it's a great ol' film.

BROADSWORD CALLING DANNY BOY!

SOD THE BABIES AND THEIR I.Q. MIDDLE AGED CARTOONISTS NEED BREAST FEEDING TOO.

Apparently extensive study and research has revealed what every mother since time began already knows. That, breast feeding is good for babies. And ,more importantly better for the daddy .As he doesn't have to get up and give bottles to the little darlings at the ungodly hours they develop 'thirsts'. Mum can get up and do the natural thing. Ah ,ol' ma Nature she can be a good ol' girl ,sometimes. But, not all the time. Apparently breast feeding is good for developing a high I.Q. So, in a quest to increase my mental abilities. which can only help my creativity .Making me a better cartoonist. Leading to more ,higher paid work .So, the family would reap the benefits and we'd all live happily ever after.I decided i would (re)start breast feeding.It didn't do much first time round ,But, if at first you don't succeed!.....
So, i leapt at my beloved wifes breasts. And all i got for my well-intentioned grope was a 'smack in the gob!'..... After a few more slaps( to bring me round,you understand) .She explained thatIt's babies IQ's that are improved by breast feeding. Not,as it turns out ,rather unfairly in my mind , 47 year old cartoonists, whose I.Q. must be almost in double figures. Life can be a bitch, as can ol ma nature.

ATTACKING THE LAWYERS,IT'LL END IN TEARS,WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM THE TEAR GAS GRENADES.

See! Even the worst of presidents can sometimes come up with a good idea. Set your armed riot squads ,army ,police ,whatever, on the lawyers. Hit the lawyers doesn't that sound wonderful. The world felt sympathy for the budhist monks the other week. But, lawyers? I can't feel the wave of anger and anguish sweeping the globe.And i'm ashamed to say.My social conscience wasn't inflamed and i slept long and deeply ,waking refreshed to a lovely sunny day. I still remember getting well Hammered/screwed by my lawyer when i had 'troubles ',a few years back. Anyhow ,if they're any good ,they can take the authorities to court ,or something legal like that. Now that we've seen that its a potential vote winner . How about giving our lawyers a bit of a 'seein' to',Mr Prime minister. Just t o show how much we love 'our boys in the suits'.
I remember my lawyer charged by the second. All those demonstrating lawyers in Pakistan,i wonder have they got their clock running while they're shouting and yelling ;and getting tear gassed. I can,t imagine them giving up their precious time to be beaten up for free!

Help save an obscenely overpaid proffessional footy player today!

It seems our less than mathmatically gifted politicians have got their figures wrong again. The sports minister ,Gerry Sutcliffe ,after slagging off Chelsea's John Terry for his obscene weekly wage of 150,000 pounds. It turns out is nowhere near that .It is only a mere weakly 130,000 pounds. Dear god ! Just how is a man meant to live;Feed his family/Wags;Afford mansions and luxury appartments;Blast around in the finest motors under the influence of the finest drink n drugs. I don't know ,but we have to help.
Our fine sports minister,who, i'm sure isn't anywhere near obscenely overpaid(all goes on expenses.). He claims Chelsea are running an unsustainable business.So, the club needs money ,as many of our beloved premier clubs do. This is backed up by the claims that Manchester United are'Pricing out the rank n' file supporters' .So, theres the Problem and the answer. All you Rank n file footy fans 'dig deep. Forget a few pints and a bite to eat with 'yer mates 'and stuff. Football isn't to be enjoyed. How can you spend your hard earned pathetic pittance on luxuries like these when your clubs need your money . You'll suffer in the end ,the players filled with money worries wont be happy players, and an unhappy player isnt going to play well . Think about it ,how would you like to be in poor John Terry's boots?

The premier league needs you !..(.And your wallet n' piggy bank.)

Jeremy Clarkson and his reasonably priced telly award.