Who can forget those immortal images of Steve Mcqueen racing across the Austrian roads n' grassy feilds on his motor bike ,(being chased by himself dressed up as a German officer, apparently.) ,as he tries to escape from German prison camp Stalug Luft Einz,vie ,drie, or something. You must've seen it ,its the 'Great Escape', for 'gawds sake ' ,the single most ,if not watched ,repeated film of all time. The king of cool, was trying to get away from a prison in the days when prisons were prisons ,and the inmates had nothing ,but a galvanised bucket and a cup n' spoon ,oh yeah ,and a catchers mitt and baseball to help pass the endless days in solitary confinement. Even after the war prisons were miserable places. My late 'awl fellah', god bless him .Spent a little time at one of her majesty's holiday camps .Strangeways ,in Manchester ,an experience he did not really enjoy. Whilst he was 'doing his time', there were riots over conditions and a lot of inmates seemed to prefer doing their time on the roofs ,rather than in their cells. If you'd rather sit on a wet ,victorian slate roof in Manchester in the middle of winter than inside, it must've been wonderful. But that was then ,this is now.
As everyone knows jails are enclosed indoor centres of joy n' comfort for those poor unfortunate wretches ,twisted and distorted ,neglected and forced into a life of self survival, by an uncaring system, totally geared towards those law abiding scum that infest our land .Or, as once they were known ,criminals and a life of crime. Gone has the boiled cabbage; 24 n' half hours a day in your cell and nought but a bucket to be shared amongst the others in the cell, i wont go into details....But suffice to say its all changed, now all cells and prisoners have sattelite telly ;Computer games; mobile phones ;Study courses ; cheap booze and drugs .In fact things're so good people are 'BREAKING IN' to jails. Escapes have dropped drammatically. In fact i was due to go on holiday to Florida with my lovely wife Lynne and 'The Daughter!'...But, i didn't fancy queuing up for rides in Disneyland. So, what i've done is gone to my nearest 'nick'(got to get into the lingo)..And i've confessed to parking offences; Not picking up 'Doggy poo',and other evil offences. But it didn't seem to be doing the job, so i've confessed to a few mass murders and being 'Jack the Ripper'...All to no avail, until one of the officers thought i looked like Alan Titchmarsh and asked what happened to the red haired woman,"with the big knockers n' no bra?". So, i told him i'd buried her in a garden somewhere ,so i'm currently on remand, so i might make jail, yet .
If Steve McQueen knew what it was like, i bet he'd be revving that bike back towards the jail walls, to do a jump back in. Sex,drugs,booze ,telly AND his catchers mitt n' baseball ,eeeh! its sheer luxury.
( By the way this isn't me in jail, this is me)