A MERRY WOTSIT N A HAPPY NEW DUH DAH!

OK! One n' all have a good festive session(hic)..................
All the best madbad',Lovely Lynne, The Little 'un n' Charlie Bucket (the efn' dog) xxxxxxxxx

WALKING THROUGH THE SNOW, STRIDING THROUGH THE WOODS LIKE JEREMIAH JOHNSON,WALKING ON THE PAVEMENT LIKE JOHN INMAN....

Wahey,its snowing!...It never snows up here in the North West , something to do with the sea air(?) ,probably more due to the fact that up here we manufacture and produce smoke and pollution something we lead the world in, Britain should be proud of the area around the Mersey, Widnes, Runcorn, Warrington. But for some reason we've got snow, maybe the smoke makers have been made redundant like everybody else, or output has been reduced to make Gordon Brown look good during that debacle on climate change. But the skies are a mucky grey and the ground is crunchy and white and theres more snow on the way. The good ol' uk has ground to a halt ,i couldn't give a shit and my daughter is crying with joy, cos its snowing.
I took the dog out, put my cissy warm furry gloves on and my treaded caterpillar boots and crunched out into the blizzard. When we reached the local woods i was striding through the drifts like ROBERT REDFORD in the wilds of the North West frontier in JEREMIAH JOHNSON. But that wild pioneering spirit came to a sudden end once i returned to the icey roads and pavements. Then i was walking more like JOHN INMAN, as my legs were squeezed tightly together and my step didnt exceed more than 6 inches, or so. The dog was all over the place sniffing, snow covered clumps of grass (n' stuff?), and like an old string spinning top, the ones were you wrapped the string around and pulled ,thus causing the top to spin. The bloody dog understood the concept, ran around me with his lead then bolted to a bush to have a sniff, leaving me in a ice dancing -type spin, leading into a technically difficult arse over tit manoeuvre resulting in me lying spread eagled on the ground, cursing all that is canine. As i walked and my feet were slipping , i thought ,"I know i'll have a slide, like when i was a kid."So, i had a short run up, stopped dead and fell flat on my face!....On the main road in my John Inman guise, and getting worse as the muscles on the insides of my legs were pulling and as tight as guitar strings. There wasn't a soul about, not even on the road, until i got to the post office and there was a queue of about 70 people.Eventually went out again,and not a living soul to be seen.

A bin wagon came flying around the corner and went into a slight skid, i just happened to be in the line of skid and i nearly fell asleep as my life was flashing before my eyes. I was kept awake fighting to get my gloves off so i could get a pen out of my pocket to will all my lack of belongings and debts to the Lovely Lynne. But fate and good fortune(well i thought it was good) took a hand and the trucks skid was arrested and he chugged off. Almost killed by a bin wagon, hmmmm!....Yes i know!
The dog didnt seem to slip or slide, so i put it down to its doggy pads on its paws. I know,thinks i," i'll do it the natural way and go barefoot", the clumps of dead skin on my feet will be like the dogs paw pads. So i tried it. The ambulance brought me home after being found 30 yards from home unconcious suffering from extreme exposure; extreme hyperthermia;pneumonia,with a dash of pleurisy. Its been 2 days and i can't feel below my knees, an area of a faint bluish colour. The doctor said if it goes green ,get the kitchen knife out and give him a call anytime after boxing day.

THERES A REASON A POP STARS APPRENTICESHIP IS ONLY 3 MONTHS AND A PLUMBERS IS ABOUT 3 YEARS!....

Now that the X FACTOR has finally finished for the fortnight or so before it starts all over again as 'Britains got talent on ice, get me outta here,' or whatever.But what becomes of the would be pop stars. These people sweated ,slaved, shrieked n' warbled their way to the finals of the show. Until, a wee 16 year old cute, smiley little lad from the North- east who, that pain in the arse collection of skin bone n' hair, SHERYL COLE kept ,endlessly announcing, how" she really loved him, like a little brother and was sooo proud of him, etc, etc,, and on n' on" , (in a geordie accent,of course.) finally won and his single normally the x mas no 1 was out before he left the stage. But evil scheming was afoot....Some facebook petition or something put foreward an old song by an American rock/rap, or rap/rock band called 'AGAINST THE MACHINE', maybe that was a dig at Simon C's hold over the xmas no1, But a yank band with an old odd rocker made the top spot(what would Simon Bates say?)...That was the big news. So our little Geordie pop star, after his 3 month apprenticeship to become a pop star can only make no 2, shame on him. They should take his certificate of pop star proficiency away from him, he's failed his first big job.

Now whats a cute sugary little pop star to do? There must be work for cute young pop stars with nice teeth. Put an add in the Johnsons directory or the Yellow Pages. He would have to decide wether to go under 'P' for pop star ,or 'C' for cute. But in an in depth conversation with my daughter, i mentioned we'd have to look up the number of a not necessarily cute plumber to do some jobs around Leatherbarrow towers. We dont need a cute pop star, but she thought we should ring a cute pop star to come around maybe to seranade the plumber as he unblocks the sink. So if theres workmen about or noise ,nothing on the telly ,look up and compare prices of cute qualified (ex-X-Factor finalists) pop stars in the phone book.

TIGER WOULD IF HE COULD AND HE DID, AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN, HE'S AN ADVERTISERS DREAM!!!

Whose a naughty boy, then?...That angelic beloved all American home-loving ' mom's apple pie- loving 'Family man ,TIGER WOODS. Thats who! His scorecard is getting bigger by the day as cocktail waitresses ;porn queens and various lavicious ladies pop their bleached blonde heads over the publicity parapet to tell their heart rending story of life as one of the 'Tiger babes'. All, sobbing and blubbering with heartfelt American 'Oprah' emotion, how, as the old joke says "He's been unfaithful to all of us!". Now they are telling his wife , as his scorecard goes up towards the low 20's, that it would be worse for her if he just had one lover, rather than 26.Which i'm sure will put it all in perspective and cheer her up no end. I'm not sure she'll be convinced by the logic of this argument. I'm damn sure i wouldn't like to be the one to argue this aspect of Tigers defence with a woman scorned(x26), esspecially with so many top quality golf clubs lying about the house within reach of her manicured hands. I mean did you see what she did to his car. I remember when this whole wonderfully sordid and sleezy affair was just a threesome,a car, a tree and a water hydrant. After the crash Tiger was supposed to have been saved by his wife smashing the windscreen to save him. Whereas we now know she was probably trying to get into the car to stop her husband ever getting out ,ever again.

I seem to remember Woods being off the golf circuit for a while with a back injury. No need to think too hard about how that possibly came about. Then the worlds greatest swinger with the worlds greatest swing had to undergo intensive coaching for his swing. They must've been interesting sessions. Woods, irons, holes ,bunkers, slices, holes in one, etc, etc, suddenly have a host of different meanings, just count the number of Tiger Woods jokes you n' your friends got texted to see what i mean.

What amazes me is the advertisers pulling out of using Tiger Woods to front their products. How blind and stupid can they be. Golf is a big earner ,but nowhere as big as sex! Yeah, ok, he was an outstanding sportsman and many people respected his skill and talent and wholesome persona. But now with all this 'stuff' going on, Tiger Woods is the 'Daddy!'.... Every teenager and man in the world will look at him with his protein drinks; after shaves; various 'stinky stuffs'; ranges of clothes. And now the whole sex aids market is open for 'the king'. And all these people will say "yeah i'll have some of that!" .And Tiger Woods is the hero for every horny male on the planet,of which there are more than a few, even those who didn't know he used to play golf.

ANIMATION SHOULD BE DRAWN OR MODELLED, YOU CAN STICK YOUR C.G.I. UP YOUR PIXAR(SE).

These two drawings are my entries for the wonderful SHREWSBURY CARTOON FESTIVAL. The GORGON drawing was inspired by that great old film ,JASON AND THE ARGONAUGHTS. And i noticed that over the festive period they're showing that other ol' classic 1000000 MILLION YEARS B.C. These are two model- based animated films by that wonderful RAY HARRYHAUSEN. All the monsters, gorgons, giants, etc, in the Argonauts epic and the dinosaurs fighting RAQUEL WELSH...As far as i know she wasn't animated by Harryhausen and is all real, but that could be a matter of opinion. Then model animation has in its corner the WALLACE AND GROMIT stuff, made from plasticene, all great stuff. Lest we forget , not so much animation ,but definitly model-based is all the GERRY ANDERSON stuff and still looking good after all these years since i started watching SUPERCAR and FIREBALL XL5, as a wee lad in me short pants (Don't wear them so much now, just for special occassions). The other day i was watching a couple of old DISNEY films on the box, THE JUNGLE BOOK, and THE ARISTOCATS. And i loved them, the characters , some were hilarious, especially two dogs in the ARISTOCATS. The other thing was that the voice and characters were studio personnel, not 'Superstars', Brad Pitts, EDDIE MURPHYS, ETC, ETC and all that stuff, just character actors voicing the cartoons, a lot funnier and a lot cheaper. Then, of course, the WARNER BROS cartoons. I still wet myself laughing at the relatively simple drawn stuff, and characterised by the voice of one man the astounding MEL BLANC. Bugs Bunny; Daffy Duck; Foghorn Leghorn; Sylvester n' Tweety, etc,etc all done by one man.

I've been to CGI and PIXAR films and although some are very clever ,there just doesnt seem to be any soul there, no spirit, i smile, but dont laugh, theres the difference for me between the old and the new. Yes, i know, as i've been constantly reminded i'm a miserable old fart.

All the CGI is making all the live action films go and look totally over the top and busting a gut to cram as much chaos and graphic activity into the screen as ic digitally possible and to my mind makes them all look very similar. The actors dont need to go to locations, etc just go into a blue or green room and pretend they're in space or somewhere weird talking to a martian or monster, or even at the head of a 10000000000 soldiers. Watch one of these films ike TROY then watch some of the epics like BEN HUR, or SPARTACUS, or WATERLOO, or the KURASAWA epics where they had millions of extras and it shows, even if some of your Roman Leigions are wearing watches, or theres a bus passing in the distance, all part of the fun. Has anybody actually seen the car in the background of the chariot race in Ben Hur?

And now its Christmas time again, the repeats are running even more regulary then normal and in between everything theres the celebrity cooking programmes. Where our culinary hero whizz through a variety of 'simple but effective' xmas recipes"that anyone can make"...Sprinkling and splashing all kinds of liquids and powders and diced stuff "Bish, bas bosh!"..There y'go ! A sooper x mas dinner or variation, thereoff . I think the only people who come out on top after christmas are these bloody celebrity chefs

THE NOISY,FLEMMY,FARTY INTERNAL POWER OF KARATE.

As everybody knows theres two things KARATE is famous for, one is the never failing to knock 'em out Karate chop beloved of every spy and war film ever made, and ,of course the "hiyaa!" karate yell that was almost, not so much a fighting yell, but a magical incantation to ensure the bad guys would go down and stay down. But where once the martial arts were secret techniques, 'one touch n' yer dead', etc, nowadays training isn't done in a monestary atop a snowcapped mountain in the middle of a mysterious mountain range where the students train 24/7 on a bowl of rice a year, until their master slings 'em out to batter the baddies, or goodies on the outside untrained world.

No, today, clubs are visited by the students a couple of times a week after a day at the office, at a church hall or local leisure centre as part of their membership package. And the training is mainly for competition and is kicks and punches and' gettin' em in' before your opponent does. But although the mysticism and traditionality of the martial arts may well be neglected in these modern days. The training has to be a lot less harsh as ,well, they'd loose members. But one thing thats thriving is the 'KIAI', or to the unenlightened out there the shout.

The basis of most martial arts is internal energy and in Karate the base of the energy ,or CHI, if you want to get technical is the lower part of the stomach, about where the knot of the belt is located and this area is known as the HARA. So when you throw a punch, f'rinstance ,strange as it may seem the muscles in the arms aren't the main motivating areas of force,and should be totally relaxed. The power comes from the lower body, legs and trunk. The breath is exhaled powerfully from the hara by the muscles of the stomach, and the DIAPHGRAM. The big floor of muscle under the lungs.

The KIAII, is an art in itself. If you sit in on a class theres all kinds of shouts ,screams, grunts,snorts, blowing and hissing. Funnily enough some actually say the word as if they were reading it, "kiaii,"or "Hiyaa!"... The idea is to inhale through the nose and use the mouth to exhale, but a combination of respiratory entries and exits seem to take place, depending on how people feel themselves or purely because they're knackered and trying to get the air in and still get the draining power out of their flagging body.

Breathing in through the nose and out through the nose( THE SNORT) can leave you with globules of snot down your face and on the chest of your suit(GI)...Out through the mouth(THE GRUNT) can project spit n' snot globules into your partners face which can complicate things on occassions. There is also when inhaling and exhaling takes place through the mouth(THE GASP), Which can result in much spit and mucus, as exhaustion rears its ugly oxygen starved head, this is often combined with stomach turning wafts of bad breath from deep down in the lower stomach of your opponent. It is one way of spoiling the fight, if you were spoiling for a fight. But the sudden tensioning of the diaphgram and the explosive discharge of the air in your lungs can have a humiliating side effect. While the majority of the stomach tension drives the exhalation up , there is occasions when the explosive tension can drive down and as you go in for the kill with your terrifying "KIAIIIII!!!"....This is accompanied by an equally frightening thunderous "PHARRRTTT!!!!".....But the accomplished martial artist can turn this humiliation to their advantage ,by giving them a smack while they're still laughing.

AND A SIGN THAT EVEN MORE WATER ONCE EXISTED ON THE MOON !

Once not long ago the solar system was totally airless and waterless. Now we've discovered atmospheres ,however thin on various moons and planets, but more amazing we've found water on , well every where we've looked. The moon , originally totally void of everything has been found to have water. No atmosphere ,virtually absolute zero temperatures and theres water. Mars also full of the stuff. The moon Europa under a thin layer of ice ,is supposed to be a salty sea with volcanic vaults heating the water and very similar conditions to volcanic reigions way down at the depths of our oceans, where ,supposedly nothing can exist, but has recently been found to be teeming with various life forms, so Europa becomes the main favourite in the solar system for life. In fact ,Arthur C Clarkes book of 2001, is about aliens giving man the means to explore and colonise the solar system, but to leave Europa alone. Europa's surface is not joined to the planetary core ,seperated by the water layer the moons surface rotates at a different rate to its core, betcha' didn't know that did ya? It seems theres so much water knocking about there should be a hugh rainbow stretching across the solar system.

Its only recently that they've found all this water with various probes dropping or crashing into the lunar or martian surfaces. Thats why BALLCOCK O'BARNPOT,the afro irish president of the US ofA ,got his nobel peace prize ,cos he didnt fire any missiles on Earth, but blasted 2 into the Moons south pole, so if the face of the 'man in the moon' is looking shocked and slightly cross eyed, well, so would you with 2 rockets exploded up your 'jacksy'!..And if they did they'd find a lot more than water, methinks.

I still think its all fantastic. the other day i was looking at pictures of the VIKING lander all those years ago of the martian surface, and they still take my breath away. I wanted the LOVELY LYNNE to paper the walls with these martian horizons, but typical woman, she refused. I suppose it would look a little odd with the martian horizon with a central heater and couches and telly. I s'pose the picture if the VIKING had landed in some martian living room.

THE BIKE MIGHT BE GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, BUT THE TOE CLIPS WILL KILL YOU !

Being fat n' lazy is by far the most and natural human condition, but with politicians ,celebrities, supermodels,Trinny and Suzanna, etc, etc, all pushing healthy diets and slim figures and god forbid fitness at us being a lazy get is, saddly frowned upon, its not trendy and 'in', but one day it'll come back 'in', what goes aroun, comes around, oh happy days. Fitness is a horrible condition as it takes a lot of work and effort which nobody really likes having to do. You go into the leisure centres, i dont know why they call them leisure centres. I mean to me leisure is taking it easy, passing time relaxing, having a good drink, whatever, not pushing my cardiovascular and respiratory levels through the roof. Names like Fitness world, much more Hernia land or bust a gut world or gasp centre. It is a totally surreal experiance going into these places and seeing brightly, trendily attired men and women , running ,walking, stepping, pushing ,pulling, bending, thrusting, grunting, gasping, shouting and occassionally breaking down in tears. Very leisurely.

But the outdoor training, the more natural, running from A-B, or cycling. I've never enjoyed running. I played footy and rugby and was a fair old sprinter, but with an ankle injury and a loathing of jogging i dont run, but i do have a bike and was getting back into good long rides before the weather 'set in.' The roads are dangerous enough, a lot worse than i seem to remember from when 'i were a lad.' The main problem i have is with the bloody toe clips on the pedals. Without them you could mount your bike like a cowboy mounting his horse, but with the clips you have to position yourself astride the seat, put one foot in and then push off. When your moving ,you have to flip the other clip over to insert your other foot in. Sometimes,'Dead easy!', no sweat, whatsoever. But other times, your flipping the pedal time and time again, looking down at the damn pedal. Then your alerted by such give away signs like car horns ,or even truck air horns blaring at you as you've wobbled into the middle of the dual carriageway. Looking up to the the cars , not only behind you, but coming at you.

There is a road nearby where they filmed,'DEATH RACE 2000'... The drivers get points for all the pedestrians and bikeriders they can run over. I was on the pavement trying to get my clips on when i suddenly found myself crashing arse over tit throuh thorns and bushes. I crawled battered and scratched out onto the pavement trying to unravel the bike from the undergrowth, and desperatly trying to retain some dignity by looking from side to side to see if anyone had noticed, my cycling hiccup. When i finally got branches out of the spokes,and staunced my bleeding from copious cuts and scratches, etc and set off, for about 50 yards and thebike started bumping and rattling along. I'd gone and burst my 'f***'in' tyre. Just as well the bike was a lightweight frame as i had to carry it the rest of the way home. I was buggered if, i was going to take the tyre off and sit by a bowl of water trying to mend my puncture, thats for schoolboys, i took it to the shop and it was fixed in minutes, had to pay, but we've got to help the small buisnessman and keep the economy afloat and stay fit.But i'm still tempted to get rid of them toe clips.

POOR AUSTRALIA, FIRST WE DUMPED OUR CONVICTS ON THEM AND NOW ITS WORSE THEY'VE GOT OUR CELEBRITIES!

TThe winter officially started with the X-Factor and Strictly Come Dancing assaulting our tellie over every dark cold rainy windswept weekend night, but now its the official run-in to christmas as the new series of 'I'm a Celebrity , get me out of here'. Or more like "If your a celebrity , get outta here!" As a heap of nobodies and deadbeats from other reality shows;cooking and house decorating shows; A couple of once upon a time sports stars, etc, etc.Theres a couple that my long time since it had a finger on it pulse(!!!) recognised: Sam Fox, The fave page 3 years ago, i think she was ousted by Linda Lusardi, who's now an ex soap star, as Sam's an ex pop star, has anyone got, or even seen the albums?...Ah the glamour!

Hollywood legendary walking suntan ,George Hamilton with his luminous teeth. He'll be a nuisance at night as all the bugs and creepy crawlies will cross the jungle along with bigger beasties with bigger teeth, all attracted by the light of Georges teeth. But he'll be fine in one of the tasks in a pitch black cave full of rats, etc. All he has to do is smile and the cave will be lit up, bright as day.

My favourite was the news that Katie Price,a.k.a.Jordan wasgoing to return to the jungle. Last time she met her ex-husband,wonder what the jungles got in store for our super 'celeb' this time.The news footage said how she was on five times the money everyone else was on, can't you feel the love she's after already. But as she was filmed always with her blueberry/blackberry, whatever firmly clamped to her lug'ole,as a true'celeb' should. On the way to 'oz, she stopped at L.A. to get her nails done and her hair extensions, extended. Its an old S.A.S. jungle survival technique. I'm just suprised the airlines let her above 10,000 feet in case her boobies( they're not real, y' know) exploded, if one of them went off, never mind two, they'd blow a 747 out of the sky.

Jimmy White was never a sex symbol of the snooker world, but age hasn't been too kind to him.You could say he's gone to pot! And as i type away ,Joe Bugner has come on. Telling the rest about all the Australian beasties as he's lived in 'oz' for years and as EVERYTHING in Australia is specifically designed to kill you, he unintentionally scared the shit out of them.

The only bit i like is Ant n' Dec, it is very annoying as much as i try i can't hate them. In fact i watched their film ALIEN AUTOPSY, which, actually was quite good.

YOU CAN EQUAL THE EQUALISER, BUT YOU CAN'T EQUAL CALLAN...EDWARD WOODWARD (R.I.P.)

The hardest toughest meanest fellah on the telly has gone and popped his clogs, the wonderful EDWARD WOODWARD has died. People think of tough mean spies like James Bond and Jason Bourne, etc, but the meanest and most ruthless was a fellah in an old suit ,a battered macintosh and a wooly scarf tied in the old fashioned way your dad and grandad would've tied it ,not the trendy way of tying scarves beloved of every 'celeb' these days. He had one friend ,a pathetic smelly little man called 'Lonely', who ,when he wasn't beating him up, used to remark on his lack of personal hygene as he gulped his whiskey, as he liked a drink a little too much .None of your 'Vodka martini, shaken not stirred ', for this fellah, but a pint and a large whisky. This was CALLAN....An assassin for a deniable section of the secret service. Everybody remembers the swinging lightbulb which swung over the opening morose music, then the single shot smashing a mirror with Callans reflection. Anthony valentine ,wonderfully vicious and nasty as Toby Meres, Callans partner, even though they couldnt stand the sight of each other. And the late Russell Hunter as Lonely.

He did a film ,THE WICKER MAN, which was a B-film until it attained cult status to become a classic. I thought Woodward was great,but the all singing dancing CHRISTOPHER LEE took more than i was able to give, to get my head around that.I nearly killed a nephew when he said it was a rip off, of the NICHOLAS CAGE film. Another cracker was a court room drama in the Boer war, BREAKER MORANT, based on a true story.

Callans original story 'A MAGNUM FOR SCHNEIDER' was made as a film. And a few years later Callan was back in a one off telly film, THE WET JOB.....No, He hadn't gone into the porn biz, it wasn't mucky, just had to come out of retirement and murder someone, as you do.

Then he became THE EQUALISER, which gave him a chance to drive around the streets of New York in a nice Jag and blow the baddies to bits.It brought fame fortune and a couple of heartattacks. From cleaning the streets of New York he came back to England to clean the streets of an English town in a corporation bin wagon inCOMMON AS MUCK. But he was in tons of stuff ,always had that mean steely eyed Callan look, even took over CI5 when they did the NEW PROFFESSIONALS. But that in a shell casing is one of my favourites, MR EDWARD WOODWARD(Even if his name did sound like a fart in a bath.)

AS ANY FULE KNO ,NIGEL MOLESWORTH THE CURSE OF ST CUSTARDS SKOOL, AND GORILA OF 3B, IS NOW PRIM MINISTER OF GRATE BRITON..

As any fule kno, grate britin hav produsd many grate writrs. billy shakspere, charlie dikins and, of corse, me ....Nigel Molesworth..the curse of St Custards and gorila of 3b. i rote a heep of books abowt my xperinses at the strikt st custards which like all skools is uterly wet and weedy. but i was sentunced to all thos years in the jug to akquire culture and keep my brane kleen and ayd me to make it to the topp in this attommic age we live in. hem, hem..but aftr years of xperiances with headmasters and kanes,lat,french, geog, hist, algy, geom, chiz,chiz,....skool masters, skool dogs, skool sossages, my bro molesworth 2, fothering (hello clouds hello sky)thomas, I , being an ace reporter told uplifting tales of the brav fight of the boyz,wizz,wizz,who r brave feerless, noble ,etc, etc, also the swots, bulys, cissies, milksops, greedyguts, and oiks, hem, hem....

Grown ups r wot hapens to boyz when skool is finished. So i thort with my St Custards edukatin i would have to find something i wuld be qwalified for and i find it in politiks . i thort i would change my name to Gordon Brown and become ded importent in the gov. And when my best frend Tony Bluur, who is totaly wet and weedy with a fase like a squished tomato and to many teeth and always smiling like a weedy swot, left wurk, i become prim ministr of grate briton. Gordon Brown the curse of downing st and gorila of no 10.

THE HAIRCUT....STILL HANDSOME AFTER ALL THESE HAIRS !

Over the last few months the Leatherbarrow silken locks were given free rein to grow free, without fear of the barbers scissors, comb and razor to frighten the follicles. At first i dutifully combed my wavy locks and looked slick n' smart. After a while i'd just run my fingers through it after a shower ,as the weeks grew by and i noticed for the first time in my life, i was getting curly hair. I had a sort of 'windswept n' interesting look about me, a little unusual for someone who hardly sets foot outside, but quite impressive when your walking the dog. I'm sure if i met any lady dog walkers below the age of 60 ,they'd be quite taken with this wild untamed enigmatic character and his not so wild and untamed West Highland terrier. But then disaster struck. I started to develop a little kink at the side part above my forehead this became a sort of quiff, which took a downward turn to become a sort of Superman kiss curl, which then pulled out of its dive and started curling upwards . When we went away to fry in the Portugese sun and be eaten by the Portugese flies n' 'mossies', I had a ,as i liked to think of it a 'beach bum 'look. Maybe more a middle aged hippie Dennis the Menace look better described it, basically hair all over the place.

When i got home, i went and had a good scalping and the fellah did a job. I quite like it, but its probably the shortest cut i've had. I go into the toilet for a pee and still jump when i suddenly catch a glimpse of that mean, but exceedingly handsome shorn character looking back at me in the bathroom mirror. Its been a week and i still keep pushing my fingers through my greasy locks and theres nothing there. I haven't shaved for three days and i look a little like one of those facesyou can turn upside down and get another face...Oh thats enough follicle follies for now, kiddies. Dont forget to wash n' condition and brush 100 times morning and night.

SACK ALL THE EXPERTS, WHAT DO THEY KNOW,ANYWAY?

Everybodies a smartarse!...Everybody thinks they know more than you do. In my case its not true as i know more about everything than most of those clever clogs. A sure sign of having great knowledge of life the universe, everything and what colour bin has to be left out on Friday, is being able to argue with your mates,all shouting in disharmony, in increasingly loud voices after a growing number of pints at any bar on a Friday or Saturday night. When you have profound and deeply held beliefs and knowledge on basically 'EVERYTHING!'...But life and knowledge are ever changing things, so the following day, you look back at the earnest loud, boisterous debate ,you and the other 15 (all with differing opinions on well, .'EVERYTHING!') intellectuals had and think.."Oh christ! Did i say that?"Theres no time you will have thought,"Oh christ! did (somebody else) really say that?"No, you have humiliated yourself in your quest to spread knowledge and enlightenment to the masses.

But i do have an excuse,basically i was 'pissed as a fart!'.....But there are a group of people who argue and debate for a living, even being(relatively)sober. These smart'ares are the politicians. They may wear nice suits and have posh titles and fiddle expenses, but their 'debates' aren't much more dignified behaviour -wise than 'down the boozer'. But they have a secret weapon. The politicians from all opposite sides have 'experts and advisors to utilise their expertise in their chosen feild to advise the politicians. Who, lets face it need it. As i've mentioned the average shit'eads who run our country dont need qualifications and haven't done a days work in their fairly short, ( and getting shorter by the look of the bright young things speaking on various policies, etc, etc.) lives. The politicians get shunted around from time to time. So one day they may be in charge of the Dept of soft toilet paper and pencil sharpeners. Then the next they're running the NHS. They work with people who've studied and devoted their lives to the world of soft toilet paper and pencil sharpeners. Then people who've devoted their lives to the science and health of the nation. But the 'new boy(ok, or girl)' is instantly the boss, and they're in charge of a little thing like the health of the nation, just like that!

The problem with experts and scientists i that they deal in facts,experimental data, opinions of teams of highly qualified intellects who know what they're talking about, basically the stuff that is squeezed out all pristine and smart from the intellectual mangle is something very alien to politicians .The truth!
The truth is a nasty thing in its purest form, no good, whatsoever in politics. This truth must be treated and diluted until it becomes totally malleable and be able to be twisted and distorted to fit into a vessel called a policy. The data involved may fill libraries and be megabytes of computer space, but it must fit onto a few glosy A4 sheets of paper alongside party logos and smiling party leaders pictures. If an expert voices an opinion .It is the policy that is sacrosanct, not the evidence or truth. So, experts and advisors ,speak when spoken to, then return to your dusty university studies until you are summoned to advise, or your sacked!
There is a way around this system. As the prime minister found, recently. An officer in Afghanistan said ,much against Goverment announcements, that troops were dying due to lack of helicopters. Well, this would've gotten him a court marshall from Gordon Brown right away. But the officer in question was killed. So Gordon can't do anything about a dead hero's advice....Wether he'll do anything, ah now?.....
Just one thing (amongt many)thing puzzles me .Every party has opposing policies on ..well,'EVERYTHING!'..And they've all got experts and advisors. So is the expert advice totally different for every expert, or is the same advice just twisted and distorted to make a smart looking policy

( An irrate Gordon Brown appeared courtesy of the front cover of HA Magazine, aaah fame ,at last!!!!)

LIVERPOOL FC 'KD UP...AND THE YANKS MAY LAUNCH A ROCKET FROM CAPE ANFIELD.

'NUFF SAID!'

FORGET DEBATING POLICIES,POLITICS SHOULD BE A GOOD SMACK IN THE GOB AND A KNEE IN THE NUTS !!

Sky news are trying their hardest to get our party leaders together to do a live pre election debate ,live, or as live as politicians can get, on the telly to battle out the policies and the rest of the bullshit they feed us every day and give us a chance to determine whose bullshit tastes better than the others bullshit. The yanks have been doing it for years and they are connesseures of chateau de bullshit. Maybe their fine palete will be cultivated by us brits. Personally i think we should forsake the round table of debate and go into the round cage of cage fighting. I'm sure Sky's beloved leader Mr Mad axe- Murdoch would be more at home screening cage fighting on his networks than policy debates, hard hitting and far reaching though they may be. The viewing figures for Brown, Cameron and Clegg ,barefooted and kicking , kneeing, elbows, headbutts and roundhouse kicks to the face body and all points south of Westminister would be astronomical and knock Strictly come dancing into a cocked top hat. And as for the X-Factor, wouldnt get a look in.
Traditionally politics is dead easy and boring, you've got the shower in power and the rest!..Whatever the shower in power say, goes, is it!...The others the opposition disagree with absolutly everything said n' proposed by the shower in power. So, they have the best and easiest job in the world. Then when and if,god forbid, they do take over they just blame all the screw ups and fuck ups on the previous shower in power ,and that the policies that screwing up the nation were initiated when the previous shower were in power, and its nothing to do with the present shower in power....Simple, really and brilliant in its stupidity.

Being an opposition ,or shadow minister is a wonderful career for all us lazy, bone idle ,unqualified arse'oles..... You don't actually do anything, even if you wanted to and you get to look good on the telly, as everyone hates the shower in power, or the goverment , as they are known to those who understand the workings of our great democratic system. So, by disagreeing with them, you can't fail to come out on top.

But the worst thing that can happen is that they vote you into power, and you might be put in that very awkward position of actually having to do something, not a lot, heavens forbid, but something , from time to time. I think,in the future you'll see a lot of MP's expenses going on gymn memberships as various debates and even prime ministers question time moves from across the table to inside the round cage fighting ring due to be installed , within the house of commons. Prime ministers question time will be peak time viewing.

DONT BLEEPIN' WELL TALK TO ME ABOUT BLEEPIN' MULTI-( BLEEPIN' )-TASKING N' BLEEPIN' SHOPPIN' !!!!!

Once long ago the world rang to the crack of rocks being hit together or cracking animal skulls. Then as stuff got harder and sharper man invented wood and metal and the world echoed to the splintery wooden sounds ofwooden things, and rang to the clangy metallic sounds of metal things that these simple folks made their tools and weapons from . But not now! Now, everything goes 'BLEEP!'... This bleep will then be followed by another 'BLEEP!'....And yet more Bleeps and on and on it goes . Where once Bleeps were part of Science Fiction comics and films. Bleeps used to launch rockets or detonate atom bombs, basically something bold and exciting. But now the once impressivly dramatic BLEEP!..Is no more. It is a mere Bleep on every single electronic item in the world. Telly', Dvd's,computers, Telephones, etc, etc, etc.....But BLEEPSVILLE has got to be the supermarket.A cacophony of bleeps ,making it impossible to speak or think.

As me n' the missus stand at the checkout, the assistant , her hands a blur shovels the 'stuff' past the till,emitting just a sonic explosion of Bleeps, meanwhile she's passing receipts and various cards and tickets all accompanied by bleeps to my missus. Who while juggling and packing the shopping is inserting credit cards where they should be inserted, with Bleeps. And tapping numbers with loads of Bleeps. And while this blur of activity and bleeping goes on , she holds two conversations...One with the checkout girl and the other to me. This is about stuff like.."Dont put the eggs under the dog food ..Don't put the grapes under the house bricks, or whatever, etc, etc"....This amazing display is, apparently a new discovery ,or just 'the norm' given a new name ...MULTI-TASKING.

Apparently men can't multi-task. This is obviously rubbish. Ok, women can be busy little bees around the house and shops, but this is all physical stuff,almost an automotive- reflex action, just turn on the switch and off they jolly well go. Whereas we men are more cerebral in our multi-tasking. The other night i was reading an X-MAN comic on a cd dicc on my lap top,watching t.v drinking a glass of wine, thinking of a cartoon idea and scratching my crotch. As well as grunting at the missus in response to whatever she was going on about. And none of my activities involved any bleeps...oh the telly remote and my lap top with the comic disc did ....OH(BLEEP BLEEP!) IT !!!!

(HA! Magazine humour.co.uk)

I WISH THE MOANING MILITARY WOULD LEAVE OUR BRAVE POLITICIANS ALONE!

The other day two of our brave ministers packed their summer gear and factor 300 sun cream and jetted off to meet our boys 'on the front line'(or 30 miles, or so behind).In Afghanistan.

While they were bravely shaking hands with the troopers before dinner. One loud-mouthed brass-necked trooper blurted out a demand for more men n' equipment. Our highly trained ministers without thinking, leapt into action, putting on a concerned, yet by adopting full eye-contact , an interested look on their faces. This earnestness was compounded by the folding of arms with the 'getting down n' dirty ' look of rolled up to the elbow shirt sleeves, resting on their ministerial pot-bellies. And then tried to put the troopers mind at ease by a promise"That something will be done."But you only had to look at the people involved to see who is having the harder time of it, at the end of the day. This poses the question.."Which is the sharp end and which is the blunt end?".....The soldiers were fit and bronzed; Smart and in good humour and high spirits....Whereas the politicians were overweight, with the buttons of those summer shirts straining at their bellies; Their face were lined ,and their smiles were forced. Although their grey hair was well-coiffeured it was still a little wispy.

The soldiers regulary face the screaming hoards of the Taliban and various terrorists; Missiles, road side bombs, suicide bombers, etc,etc. But its all old stuff to the British army ,we've seen it all before and give them 'a good seeing to!'.......But he politicians have to face the screaming electorate, fight debates, attend conferences staying at top hotels, their every whim top-class catered for. Attend social functions and appear on televiion. They have to slash services they dont use; Cut benefits they haven't any use for and maintain a number of 'second homes,'etc on 'expenses'. Living this hell ,with a smile on their face. And managing to give less answers to straight questions than an SAS man under enemy interrogation. Even coming under enemy fire by the occassional thrown raw egg on telly.

There, if that doesn't convince you who the true heroes are i don't know what will. Forget men and equipment for Afghanistan. We need more MP's; More offices and departments; Funds for committee's and study groups. And, ofcourse much higher expense accounts for our brave boys on the front line of Westminister.

(HA! Magazine humour.co.uk)

ANDREW MARR ,GUIDE TO HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PRIME MINISTERS !

It's easy!..You sit our glorious leader down on a nice comfortable chair in a well-lit labour conference side room, with a smile on your oily Beeb-beeb-ceeb trained face. You, then accuse the most powerful and useless man in the country of popping prescription drugs to ease the stress of the job. The other reason for guzzling these pain-killers is to ease the pain and discomfort of constantly banging into walls,desks and comfy BBC chairs as a result of being half(or two thirds) blind, apparently. This is due ,as everybody must know by now that our beloved PM has the most well-known detached retina the country .As a result of the most well-known Rugby injury in the history of the game. I always thought he had a glass eye, but he's had a couple of similar injuries. So maybe he's got two glass eyes, or two detached retinas, i don't mind admitting i'm confused and worried for our glorious leader.

As any good northern lad worth his salt n' tripe, i watch CORONATION ST (Corrie !)..And followed the storyline of the evil David Platt. He supplied his mum's boyfriend with much needed prescription pain-killers, he became addicted and was totally under David's malevolent influence. Could this happen to our beloved leader? Who is the evil, self serving soul that supplies the PM? Could it be one of his aides or assistants; A strange sort who goes by the name of'Mandy', say? I can see this character weilding his devilish influence over the party, surviving being sacked on numerous occassions in the past. I keep thinking of the PRIME MINISTER and his aide sketches from LITTLE BRITAIN.

Anyhow i don't believe for a moment when our glorious leader made his' big speech' the other day that he needed any drugs to help him.... But i'm bloody sure all those sat listening would've loved some pain killers !

( This bit of jibberish appeared in HA! magazine....Look over on the links for how to find HA!)

THE COST OF GETTING CHARGED !

In the wonderful hi-tech world we now find ourselves dumped in, some people would say we have been blessed with things like mobile phones ,Blackberry , personal computers, computer games, electric razors even. Myself being a boring old fart i think its all one giant portable electronic pain in the arse. And i'm fairly sure there a whole range of portable electrical items speciffically designed for use on ,in and up various parts n' points of the body. The thing that unites all these wonders of science and communication,texting, games, playing music , stimulating body bits and removing bodily hair off hairy bodily bits.....Is quite simply that they all need to be recharged. Whereas once it was all down to the good ol' battery, nowadays we have what was one a housebrick sized electric box called a transformer to supply DC current to our boyhood SCALECTRIC racing cars.

These are now simply small plastic things called chargers. "Where's me phone charger/MP3 charger/Shaver charger",etc, etc. Heres where the technological hiccup is located. Every single item that has to be recharged has a different connection, requiring a different plug (2 or 3 pin, square or round). Then theres the other end, the jack plug which has an infinitly larger array of shapes, sizes, shapes, width, lengths, etc, etc,.......I wanted to recharge my razor ,opened the drawer and was stunned by a mass of chargers and miles of cable all attached to a different jack plug. I just said "F**K That!" And went back to the good ol' 'wet shave'. I only have to use my phone once every so often as i hardly use the bloody thing for calls,and also as i'm incapable of texting, and quite frankly just don't see the point. But as wherever i go ,everybody is clattering away texting, even if they are sitting with their friends or beloved, i admit it must be that i've missed something. But that wouldn't be the first time.

As i was typing this garbage i remembered watching a documentary about the SHAOLIN priests. They were swinging these ropes with blades attached all around their body,under their feet and bouncing off their back like a rap dancer body popping, or whatever as the cable went under them, very odd, but no doubt very effective. But as we're not allowed to wander around with knives and sharp things, so i believe. Maybe its time to adapt, so the shaolin could be deadly with a mobile charger or ladysoft leg razor recharger.

THE THREE MOST HORRIBLE WORDS FOR ANY CARICATURIST !!

Being a fine upstanding pillock of the community, i find myself being at the behest of the said community , esspecially since the little 'un's old school, with the help of the 'Little 'un' and the Lovely Lynne found out what a wonderfully gifted and talented cartoonist and caricaturist i am. This combined with, apparently me being a wonderful human being who would do anything for anyone???????????..........Well, this got me volunteered by my beloved family to draw hundreds and hundreds of kids at various summer fairs and so such 'do's'. This spread to the scouts functions and general charity functions. Jeez! its hard work being wonderful.

It always started with a telephone call to the lovely Lynne and i would hear the words WORK, CHARITY and FREE...It didn't matter where i was in the house ,or even if i was a mile away walking the dog, i would still hear THOSE words!!!. It meant i was being volunteered again!

The ironical thing is that everybody goes to the lovely Lynne to see if i'll 'do it!'.... Even if i answer the phone they'll ask to speak to the Lovely Lynne. She'll volunteer me ("Of course he'll do it, we're doing nothing that day" ).... After the day is over and the school or scout newsletter, or whatever comes out, there'll be a nice "Thank you"......For the Lovely Lynne for her help.

The other week , the lovely Lynne's sister , the exotic Elaine called and those words that chill any caricaturist to the bone...WORK...CHARITY...FREE...(My ink tinted blood is curdling even as my trembling hands type at this)..... came out as the Lovely Lynne spoke on the phone, i couldn't finish my X-MEN comic ,even. So, a week or so later i was away in the Cheshire countryside freezing me cobblers off drawing at a special needs school......Aaaah maybe i am wonderful..... The words will always have the same affect on me ,but i'll keep on letting the Lovely Lynne volunteer me. I'm still not talking to the exotic Elaine tho', much to her amusement.

IF THEY HAVE WHEELIE-BIN RACING IN THE OLYMPICS WE'LL BE UNBEATABLE

Every house in the land has a wonderfully coloured array of plastic wheelie bins stuck around the side of the house. And the pile of lazy bastards who just leave them at the top of the drive for us all to walk past. Each different coloured bin has a different function. One, normally green carries garden waste(within strict council guidelines); The blue one for re-cycling(within strict council guidelines) And the grotty grey one for the usual shit and stuff that your not sure if it should go in the other pretty bins(within strict council guidelines) or not. So we have our range of pretty bins and all we have to do is pull them out to the road to be emptied, whenever!.... Various councils throughout our fair isles have deemed, in their usual efficiant way that various bins of various rubbish should be picked up at various times and at various frequencies. I still haven't a clue when and which binis to be emptied when. So, like most sturdy Brits, on hearing the wagons around the corner ,you go racing out to grab the grey bin. Only to find out its a blue bin day, so you run back with the grey and swap it, only to find out that next door who'd put their blue bin out was wrong. So your lovely wife shouts down "it's the green bin !" SO another swap takes place. Soon as you idly gaze out the window, you see it was actually the grey bin all along. Then you burst out of the front drive to grab the grey bin ,drag it up the road after the accelerating dustwagon, then drag the grey(thankfully empty), and the green(still f***'in full) back round the side of the house till the next bin-based adventure in days, weeks, months, god, who knows, but councillor shitinthegreybinforbrains.

But every grey bin has a silver lining. A few weeks ago we were at a village festival in Wales and they had a wheelie bin race. A variety of men and women of a broad age range, some in fancy dress dragged these wheelie bins around a thickly grassy field riddled with cow pats and with footwork akin to a ballroom dancer they sprinted, jumped ,turned and leapt over the obstacle course that was the farmers field.

I think, forget the running jumping, athletics ,swimming, gymnastics,etc,etc. The future of British sport lies in the wheelie bin.....I'm not sure which colour.

ZEN AND THE ART OF PICKING YOUR NOSE !

As i wandered through the hustling n' bustling streets of the fine city of clutter that is Liverpool, i wandered past the famous Liverpool Playhouse theatre. I'm highly cultured me y'know i pass posh theatres on my way to scabby back street boozers and drinking dens. Leaning against a poster advertising the playhouses production of 'THE POSTMAN.....(A PLAY BY HAROLD PINTER)', was a cultured 'scally' with his finger shoved so far up his nose it was sticking out of the opposite ear. There he was in a world of his own picking his nose, with n'are a care in the world. I found this a comforting sight and smiled to myself. Nobody picks their nose anymore, it has become a dying art ,another good old British tradition fading away. Nowadays all the kids n' scallies walk around 'gobbing' all over the place, not nice at all , not like picking your nose.

For the dedicated and skilled nosepicker, the index finger is without doubt the tool of choice. If possible for best results the fingernail on this finger should be kept long and taken care of ,much as a classical guitarist does with his thumb and various fingers. This is for when the picking digit is inserted this allows for maximum insertion and optimum 'scrapeage'. Then when maximum point of insertion has been attained it is time to replace upward thrust for ,rotational force. The well maintained, pedicured nose-picking finger will now be able to scrape from its sides. At this point the crystalline deposits which have lined the nasal passages for a few days at least will start crunching and grinding noises and movement of the wall of the nasal passages will be felt and a gelatinous sound and feel will start to take over from the aforesaid crunching and grinding.

Although nose-picking is looked down upon in many quarters ,as are many personal habits, there is no need to not make an effort at deportment and etiquette as you scrape away. I find by raising your little finger, this supplies a touch of elegance to your snotty manouvering. The twisting of the hand and finger through an optimum 180 degrees of turn requires a little flexibility and strength esspecially in the forearms. So, maybe a little excercise to keep you 'at your picking peak' from time to time might be a good idea.

It is at this point where the delicate touch of the artist takes over from the mining engineer. The challenge of the true nose-picker is to withdraw the snotty ore, dilligently dug for into a long drawn out snooty strip from the tip of your diggin finger to the nasal passages and way up the sinuses and to see how long you can draw it out...Before it ...........



......SNAPS !!!!!!!!

"AND, GUYS 'N' GALS AT No: 1, THIS WEEK IN THE TOP OF THE 'WHAT DRIVES ME NUTS CHART ,IS.......

Now that a suitable period of mourning has passed since the sad loss of poor old Buster. Life, has settled into its usual parade and collection of tedium ,frustration and general irritants and annoyances. As you all know, on the whole i'm a pretty wonderful person. Theres always a smile. Just not quite sure where it is. I've looked everywhere for it, under cupboards, back of couches, but can't quite find it at the moment. So i'm making do with an old scowl i used to wear a lot when i was younger. But there is something that would wipe the smile off my face, if i had it. And even the scowl isn't enough to express my total, complete and utter anger and irritation of this 'thing' that 'gets on my tits', every single morning as i sit there with my toast and boiled for 4 minutes, precisely pair of eggs, in front of the telly.

Well may you ask what can drive such a sweetheart as lovely Tim, to the edge of sanity and the verge of total murderous rage. Well, even if your not interested i'm going to tell you. There is a channel called COMEDY CENTRAL on the SKY network. And as with all the sky channels, its constant repeats .And if by some amazing way you manage to miss the 475th repeat of ,'whatever', there' s a whole set of the same channel with a +1, after the name so you can watch the repeat, again an hour later.????.....I turn on comedy central ,or sometimes comedy central+1 an hour later depending when i'm having my breakfast. Its all Yank sit-coms, but one i like is FRASIER. But, before that is a thing called TELESHOPPING. This has been on most of the night, but whenever you turn it on theres always women in fitness bikini-like gear with socks and trainers and headbands. With them is a fellah with a bikini-like affair showing his 6-pack. The two of them comparing a variety of twisted metal frame things that you rock and pull on; machines you push, pull, curl, extend, step,cycle, and a variety of other unatural bodily functions to get the most of your tummy(Abs, as they call it in the body beautiful trade) ,biceps, triceps, quadraceps and tone all the other muscles and ligaments you dont pull or wrench. But, suddenly all this stops and is replaced by this COMEDY CENTRAL logo slowly bouncing around the screen as one of those symbols on your computer screen when you leave it for a while. This moving is accompanied by some kind of single banjo note being twanged once at a time. Now this might not seem like much to you, but it drives me F**k'in' nuts!... Try it for a few mornings. And if you don't find yourself smashing your boiled egg to a yellow and white mess splattered over the table and walls of the room, your a better man than i, Gungah Din!

BUSTER (R.I.P.)....FINALLY SHUFFLED AND PEE'ED OFF THIS MORTAL COIL...

To many of the cartoonists who have visited the Leatherbarrows various hovels throughout the years on the way to festivals, crashing out on the way to a job ,or just visiting for whatever reason. They will have gotten to know a very scruffy and incredibly stupid , but very loveable creature....No, not me!...No, Buster, the family pooch. Who today was 'put to sleep', as we say when we trying to break the news gently that he's 'popped his paws' and is dead.

Buster was bought for 'the Lovely Lynne ', and grew to be an incredibly stupid creature whose single brain cell rattled around his cranium like a marble in a biscuit tin. He would race around attacking all kinds of brushes for some reason. Yard brushes and toilet brushes held a strong fascination for him. He was named Buster, after one morning he was only a few weeks old and got hold a bottle, with a rubber stopper of artists acrylic ink(crimson red)....His nose, tongue and the carpet had splashes of acrylic red ink over it , so showing whose boss i said, with the famous Leatherbarrow finger wagging menacingly. "Listen ,Buster you do anything like that again and i'll kick yer arse..."You know the gist!..But The Lovely Lynne ,still lying in bed, thought Buster was a nice name, so that was that. He was a short stubby Cairn terrier. He also had the ability and Tardis like capacity to pee on every blade of grass and bush wherever he went. Even as he grew older he'd shuffle n' pee, accompanied by ,pants, snorts, sniffs n' grunts. But age did its bit and thats that .Hopefully he's in doggy heaven feeling a little more lively, as once he was. He'll definitly be shufflin n' pee'ing on the clouds ,so i'd better be a little careful when i look up from now on.

TOMMY WAS A DEAF DUMB 'N' BLIND BOY WHO COULD PLAY A MEAN PIN-BALL,BUT AT 6.30.A.M, TIMMY'S DEAF, DUMB 'N' BLIND AND CAN PLAY F***K ALL !!

My darlin' dearest 'Little 'un started 'Big Skool' this week. She's loving it. The missus, the Lovely Lynne is upset as she's "lost her 'little girl', and i'm F***ked as i've got to get out of my bed an hour or so earlier. Getting out of bed has never been something i've been good at, but as i grow older and need my 15 hours more and more, i seem to be getting less and less. When i awake on pure instinct,as at this point, concious thought doesn't enter into the equation at any level. I leap out of bed. My legs are unable to support the upper levels as they haven't woken yet, buckle, causing me to crash over a variety of bedside cabinets, then a few seconds later are the cause of me falling 'arse over tit' down the stairs. When i crawl into the kitchen, totally devoid of any sensory stimulation. Somehow, a primevil instinct allows me to put the kettle on and make a bucket of tea. The angel of the morning isn't quite dead yet, not far of it, but not quite.

My theory about the total inability of the bodies sensory or muscular system to 'kick in' when you get up ,until 3 buckets of tea have been consumed is all down to the brain in the skull cavity. When you lie in bed the brain like scots porridge oats slops to the back of the brain cavity, the furthest point from the sensory organs which are situated mainly at the front of the skull, so everythings dissconnected when you go to bed, rather like turning off the telly and things when you go to bed. It helps you to you sleep, i s'pose. When you leap out of bed the foreward momentum presses the brain even harder against the back of the skull and it takes the congealed porridge of your brain a few minutes and lots of tea to slop to the base of the brain cavity and reconnect to eyes and ears and tongue, etc. And only then does the world gradually come into focus. I can even put the telly on ,Sky News and cannot believe that at this ungodly hour there is a smart, groomed,smiling, chirpy, sincere, earnest politician being interviewed by Eamon Holmes, at least he always looks like he's just out of bed.

The other puzzling thing about getting out of bed is how much hair you seem to have. At no other time of the day are you that hairy!... You could go and have a No 1 crewcut, but when you get up at some ungodly hour, hair is sticking up all over the place. My theory is that as you lie there relaxed your 'barnet' is influenced by the Earths magnetic field. I've seen pictures on the Discovery channel showing the magnetic field and it looks like my head in the morning. Ah well i'll have plenty of early morning starts to reflect on these things over the next god knows how many years, the 'Little 'un's'at big skool.

QUADROPHENIA; AND GOD! WHAT AN ODD MOD THIS OL' SOD MAKES !

Over the last few weeks yours truly has been a bit of a 'culture vulture', i may not be that cultured, but i've been reliably informed i've got the nose of a vulture. But the nose was mixed in with a bit of culture. While in London i was dragged in to see that X-factoring; Celebrity ice skating Scouser Ray Quinn, in Grease. Which was alright. A week, or so later i was shoved into the Echo Arena in Liverpool Docklands to watch the 'Walking with Dinosaurs' show, which was very impressive. Then in Liverpools good ol' Empire Theatre, as a birthday present from the Lovely Lynne i was taken to see the stage show of QUADRAPHEENYAH !!!

When i saw Grease i wasn't enthused to dress and act like a rocking 50's highschool 'jock'. When i saw the dinosaurs, i was informed i was already like a dinosaur as i was always hungry ,always bad-tempered and always roaring at my beloved little offspring, according to my beloved little offspring. But the PETE TOWNSHEND masterwork was different. It was very well done on the stage. The music and singing was really good and the whole thing was powerfully done, Mods n' rockers knocking 7 bells out of each other ,sex, dancing , pills and scooters, etc all very cleverly done. The energy was there. Whenever i was feeling pissed off i would always whack QUADRAPHENIA on the player, and by the end i was fairly charged up and able to face the world again. The Lovely Lynne would see the Quadrophenia box lying open and inquire, "Feeling better now?". The show had a little of that charge.

I left feeling like a mod. The 'Ace-Face', not just a 'number,'Walking the walk,leading with my chin and shoulders in front of my feet, With my 'Zoot-Suit, "white jacket with side vents 5 inches long"; Button down collars and the best Carnaby Street has to offer..Jump on the scooter with the mass of wing mirrors and with my parka with badges , nip down to Brighton to batter a few rockers. Get high on speed, uppers, downers, leapers and good ol' booze. Dance the night away and work on generating my attitude and cool. But there is a few differences from my imagination and life, as is. The clothes dont come from Carnaby Street, but St George, the Asda cheap range. Haven't got a scooter.But i've got a couple of wing mirrors from an old car in the shed. So, cant get to Brighton. The nearest bit of water is the sandbanks of the Mersey, or the nearest place with pier in the title is Wigan pier, even if there is no pier there. Don't pop pills, as i've got to take enough prescription f***'in' pills anyhow, so i'll chew on a packet of smarties,M&M's, or mint imperials. And i'll dance the evening away ,as long as i get my 10 hours beauty sleep in and the musics not too loud and not 'dance' music. I did have a parka, once, but that was designated a health hazard and dissappeared from my cool wardrobe along with a military combat jacket long ago. I s'pose maybe i've not got what it takes to be a mod, but I've got a few button-down collars and do tend to have the occasional drink(!!!!) , have a bad attitude and i'm cool, but that's 'cos the little'un's left the back door open, in fact i'm f***'in freezing.

IT IS NOW OFFICIALLY WINTER...THE XXX'IN X FACTOR AND STRICTLY COME DANCING ARE BACK ON THE TELLY !!!!!

Once upon a time summer went on forever. Long sunny days running around ,playing 12 hour games of footy with your friends or going on 40 mile bike rides to god knows where. Then autumn came as the nights started to draw in, although the evenings were still 'balmy' and pleasant. Then , eventually winter arrived with the clocks going foreward and we were back in school waiting for the run up to x-mas. Now its all different. Summer's no different to any other part of the year, except for the fact that it rains more than most of the rest of the year. The streets and green areas are totally bereft of kid playing. They're all in the back room watching the telly and playing computer games and only making any attempts at communication if they want something. But the main difference to 'everything' is the total disapearance of autumn. Winter replaces summer at approximatly 7.00 pm one Saturday night....'Bang !'....Its now Winter!.......The beginning of the dark depressing oppressive winter is the NEW SERIES OF THE X-FACTOR.

That collection of talentless deadbeats n' no-marks who for some reason consider themselves qualified to be a celebrity, as that is all they want to be, not an artiste, or anything just a celebrity. And it is their god given right to become a star. They are totally oblivious to the fact that they are shite and everyone thinks they're shite. Friends ,family, laughing qualified (?) panellists,( they're in the buisness y'see)...The jeering thousands in the audience; The scoffing millions watching on the telly and re-enjoying the humiliation on 'you-tube, etc. I would love to become famous on the X-Factor set by blowing the bastards on the panel and the chirpy comedian presenter to bits with a high powered rapid fire combat rifle. But ,for some reason i am alone in my hatred of the X-Factor. My family love it,they adore it, its great. We have the SKY+ system, so we can't miss any of it. And to make matters much much worse i also find myself forced to watch STRICTLY COME DANCING. Which i also dislike, although it has to be said ,not with the venom reerved for'X'....So as once saturdays used to be:The wrestling; Football results from every single person in the British Isles who trudged onto a mucky pitch and booted a soggy heavy leather footyball; Doctor Who, adventure series and films. Now its dancing and screeching. And lest we forget the stereotypical celebrity expert panellists which are spreading like a virus on the spawning pandemic of various types of talent shows. The cartoon storm clouds of gloom hover over my head on a Saturday night whilst the Lovely Lynne and the Little'un literally shine with pleasure and joy. And then they start showing it on a Sunday as well......I'm not a celebrity,but get me outta here!

SORRY ABOUT LACK OF BLOGS, BUT I'M RUNNING THE COUNTRY WHILE THE GOVERMENT ARE ON THEIR HOLS!!!!

Sorry haven't had much to say to you all lately, but since our glorious n' beloved leaders have all decided to bugger off around the world on holidays, Gordo'. Mandelson and Harriet Harmdone. They left the key under the mat of Number 10 for me to take over the running of the country 'till their holiday expenses run out and they have to return to renew their expense claims for the coming year. So, as you can imagine i've had a busy couple of days trying to maintain the high standards of our British way of life, keeping you lot happy n' healthy and even some employed .While fighting wars against terrorism around the world . And this is before i've even got in and put the kettle on. Any requests on what to do to put the empire back on its knees would be gratefully recieved.

ME WWW.TARZAN.OT.APES.COM....YOU..WWW.JANE.OT.SEXYBIKINI.COM...

In reply to a comment from the lovely Cathy Simpson about me being her lord of the jungle, the lovely lady doesnt realise how close she is to the truth. When i lived in India i spent a little time exploring jungles and forests. I gave a few good RON ELY ,TARZAN calls ,which in the telly series would've had the jungle stampeding. But some bird just fluttered away from me. It's not that easy being king of the jungle. And you never meet those cute little chimps like Tarzans friend CHEETAH. The apes were nasty dirty flea-infested shit covered pains ,best kept well away from. When we lived in Malaysia the compound we lived on was the stomping ground of an aged bad tempered baboon type ape and there was nothing nice about him. He went for a few people , including me .I belted him with a plastic chair and henceforth we just sneered at each other. A friend of ours was sitting on a settee in the living room, reading a paper when his missus came out of the bathroom. He thought she'd been sitting beside him, when she advised him to carefully look to the side, he carefully looked up to see this bloody baboon sitting on the settee picking at his snack, he, then not so carefully shifted very sharpish. The compound security people went to "stun him, sir!".....They certainly did that, stunning us as well, by blowing his bloody head off. So i wasn't a king of the apes either

One thing about being an EXPAT, is that wherever you go people are always giving you business cards, telling you to get in touch. Expats seem a lot more relaxed and funnily enough quite often mean it about getting in touch. I know Tarzan has a holder for his knife, but where does he keep his business cards? I mean you can't be king of the jungle and the apes and not have some cards printed, its bad bizniz!!!!

INJURED ELBOWS!!!!....THEY'RE A PAIN IN THE ARSE.

The other week as i was throwing myself off the top of Alpine mountains in the endless quest for speed, kicks n' thrills. I found my self on what could be described as a tea tray with a handbrake, which slide down a concrete shute all the way down this mountain. I did the easy one, jumped on the cablecar back to the top and jumped down what they classified as the experts run. I shot down this highly cambered swerving run at full belt, no brakes or slowing down for T.B. Leatherbarrow, paah! the merest thought!.....But i must admit to thinking about it once. As i flew off this jump; Landed and flew into this steep bend, whereupon me n' my teatray took off and parted company in mid air before landing back on the run. I carried on flying down the run, with a foot on the teatray. My elbows acted as skids protecting the rest of my precious ,small, but perfectly formed body. I finally clambered back on board the teatray, accelerated and finished the course. As i stood up the Lovely Lynne nearly collapsed when she saw the blood dribbling down my legs. This was a result of resting my bloody elbows on the inside of my thighs as a battled valiently to control the carrerring teatray.

The skin was scrapped off both my elbows and was a beautiful sight to behold. The first day was sore, but it was the days after . You could say my sore elbows were a pain in the arse. It didn't matter where we went ,everything was elbow height, so the elbows hit,scraped n' rubbed against everything. Not my arms, not my forearms or wrists, but right 'on the knuckle', my bloody elbows. I couldn't lean on a table or a chair. As they were scrapped the wounds were oozing, so were sticky. Whenever i moved my arm the bloody elbow stuck to the surface it was resting upon. As well as just being plain sore.

So, i hope you ignorant shower appreciate the pain and suffering thats gone into leaning against the drawing board and computer table trying to keep my elbows above shoulder level.