MERRY THINGEY N' A HAPPY NEW WOTSIT TO ALL OUR READERS

YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME I'M OFF TO RECOVER FROM THE KIDDIES CAROL CONCERT ,BEING A GOOD DAD I GOT DRAGGED TO THE OTHER 'BLOODY FREEZING' COLD NIGHT.....AGOOD FEW STIFF CRATES OF 'DE GOOD STUFF'LL' DO THE JOB NICELY!....IF I SURVIVE THE TORTURE AND PUNISHMENT I INTEND TO INFLICT UPON MYSELF OVER THE FORTHCOMING FES(hic)TIVE , FEST(hic)IVITIES, I'LL BE IN TOUCH IN THE NEW YEAR ..THERE! ,SOMETHING TO LOOK READY TO, ALREADY...ALL THE BEST...
(hic) TIM xxxxx

I was watching the telly the other day and they had AMY WINEHOUSE getting dragged into a police 'nick' someplace or other. Down in the 'smoke', there must be various 'nicks' where its trendy 'to be seen' getting dragged into for drink n' drugs ,etc,etc, blah, blah. All our gorgeous 'celebs' have their choice of where they're going to be pulled into. Some nights in the cell block it must be like backstage at 'Live Aid',or something. In Warrington ,we have a different clientelle. Mind ,there are celebrities. Some fellah got 'done' for assault recently .He'd had a walk on spot in an episode of 'BROOKSIDE', in 1989.
Watching the lovely(?) AMY WINEHOUSE entering the 'Nick'. I was fascinated by her hair. It reminded me of something ,but i couldn't quite place what it was. This big black shapeless monstrous shapeless mass ,with those black tendril -like 'dreadlocks sprouting out of the main body mass. Then it came to me .I used to love the t.v. series ,'VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA.'(A Quinn Martin production!)....About the submarine 'SEAVIEW'. As you 'ol' farts' out there will well remember it .Go on , admit it, you'll feel better for it. Remember,there was always an episode where the super sub got caught by a giant octopus. As special effects go ,it wasn't the best .But it was a big black body with these thick black long tentacles waving about ,trying to grab and pull the sub towards it. And there was always one big dark malevolent bulging eye. Thats what the AMY WINEHOUSE hairstyle reminded me of. The reason it suddenly came to me was when her hair covered one of her two dark malevolent evil eyes , so only one was showing. All it needed was a nuclear submarine being swallowed and it would've been perfect . It's not so ridiculous !Have you seen the size of her hair? If she keeps all her drugs n' stuff in her hair ,talk about 'a needle in a haystack'.

AMY WINEHOUSE ,HER HAIR AND HOW IT NEARLY DESTROYED THE SUBMARINE 'SEAVIEW' IN 'VOYAGE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SEA'.

FROM THE BIG BANG TO B&Q

I KNEW IT ,SIR,WITH ALL THE BILLIONS OF STARS N' GALAXIES WE COULDN'T BE THE ONLY LIFEFORM WHO SPEND SUNDAY AFTERNOON GOING
AROUND B&Q

UFO'S AND SUNDAY AFTERNOONS AT B&Q

When once upon a lifetime ago ,i was a single , free ,unattached ,happy n' gay(used in the traditional happy and cheerful,Enid Blyton way.) fellah. It was a source of great humour to me ,that all my married friends, when i would inquire as to wether they had a good weekend or Bankholiday. They always muttered something about ,'Havin' to go to bloody B&Q with the Missus. If whenever i got married one day ('Ha, as if!', Iwould scoff....Me n' my big mouth!). There would be no way i'd spend my time being dragged around bloody B&Q. Then. One day ,i got married. We were going to have a ball ,all my food cooked ,when we weren't out on the town. Sex on tap.No kids and definitly no B&Q... It occurred to me recently ,that we all make mistakes, as iwas dragged, screaming around 'BloodyB&Q' with 'the little 'un'. We only had 5 hours, then we had to be home for Coronation Street. I know i'm not alone .The only time i ever bump into anybody i know is at 'Bloody B&Q.
Recently i was dragging sacks of something,or other for that dump of weeds n' dog muck laughingly called the garden , across the car park to the car.I noticed something odd up in the sky ,just a spot of light .I don't know if it was a star or plane ,or, could it've been something else? I've just seen a program about UFO'S. They've been visiting us for donkeys years. I know all about them ,as i'm working my way through dvd sets of Gerry Andersons UFO;And watching David Vincent fighting 'THE INVADERS'(a Quinn Martin production.). Could it be that we are being 'visited' ,as opposed to 'invaded' by these interstellar nieghbours. I think the place must look chaotic to our Alien friends ,so,unlike everybody onthis planet , they dont want to stay too long.They might have to get back to their little planet in the Andromeda galaxy , as Supernova street is on. I reckon that we're not the only intelligent(?) lifeform in the universe. And in all those possibly billions of life forms out there, there must be a few races who're intelligent(?) enough to get married and spend their Sundays n' Bank holidays at 'Bloody B&Q,' serves 'em right.

                          "I KNEW IT SIR WITH ALL THE BILLIONS OF STARS  AND GALAXIES WE COULDNT BE THE ONLY LIFEFORM WHO SPEND SUNNY SUNDAY AFTERNOONS GOING AROUND  B&Q !" 

 



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In the good ol' US of A, they're not having a good time of it lately .A new bunch of nutters have decided they want to become famous for being complete and utter 'whacko's', shooting up schools , shopping malls and now churches. Admittedly, churches have been attacked before, but what struck me about this particular case,was that the gunman was shot by an ARMED CHURCH SECURITY GUARD. Not taking anything away from this mans heroic act, i can't help wondering what this church security man does the rest of the time .I mean the average church is empty ,most of the time ,except for cleaners and ladies putting flowers on the alter; The priest doing bits of holy stuff and stacks hymnn books up n' stuff,etc ,etc .But ,all done under the steely ,eagle-eyes of our highly trained ,ex special forces vet, (everybody in the US was in the special forces). The main dangerpoint in the day ,code red ,if you like must be confession. Our hero must be on hand to cover the priest as he faces these 'perp's. And to make sure they don't escape their punishment and skip church ,but kneel and say their ,'Our Fathers 'and Hail Mary's, before going back onto 'The street.'' Then of course is the collection on Sunday ,when the church is full of good ol' American Walton/Partridge families,at church while the apple pie is cooking in the oven at home. The 15$ 45 cents collected has to be protected until the bank opens on the Monday morning .Our hero is responsible for getting it there safely.It's an exciting life in church security. I wonder if the next John Rambo film is a story around his adventures as an armed church security guard.

3 HAIL MARY'S JUST AREN'T ENOUGH ANYMORE.THE PRIESTS HAVE TO GET TOUGH

S.P.S....Special Priest 'Services'.....Father Ted meets the Proffessionals.

THE MYSTERY CANOEIST, AND THE HARTLEPOOL MONKEY HANGERS...DO THEY GIVE HIM LA BANANA OR LA SNAIL FINALE?

All this week has been about the supposedly forgotten doings and dealings of the mystery canoeist. I know what the mystery is for me. Why would a man go out early morning ,not the warmest time of the day; Esspecially in the North East ,not the warmest part of the country; To go canoeing in the North Sea ,not the warmest stretch of water in the world. Aaah ,all these mysteries just lining up to increase my bafflement and beffudlement with the world. But ,all is not lost .According to my very tall Geordie mate Simon,the answers obvious. He reliably informed me that given a choice between staying in Hartlepool and freezing your nuts off on the North Sea, most people would go for the latter. And i must admit ,i've noticed they do like their canoes up the North East. He also told me the tale of THE MONKEY HANGERS. Which i shall now relate to you ...Sitting comfortably ?..Right i shall begin.

It was during the Napoleonic wars . A ship ran aground ,or sank,or some 'shippy' thing like that,around Hartlepool. The only survivor was a monkey. The monkey was the ships mascot and was dressed in a little military looking uniform. The locals had never seen a Frenchman and had only heard the horrific anti -'frog' propaganda ,and hoplessly exaggerated drunken tales from in the Ale-'ouses. Much the same as today. So ,they jumped to the obvious and safe conclusion that the monkey was a French spy. So, they gave the condemned monkey his last banana and hung him.Well, lets face it ,he was a lousey lucky mascot for the ship and it's crew. And he didn't have much luck for himself. He was also a lousy spy, the French never did find out Hartlepools military secrets(?),or where the canoes were kept. But the French lost the war, coincidence? I think not. But since then according to Simon who's from the fine city of Newcastle the Hartlepoolians are known as MONKEYHANGERS. But he would say that ,wouldn't he .

..

IS IT A MONKEY OR A FRENCH SPY?....DO WE GIVE HIM A LAST FROGS LEG OR BANANA BEFORE WE HANG HIM?

THE FAIRER SEX ?..WELL, NOT THE WOMEN ,ANYWAY.

THE FAIRER ,GENTLER SEX?????.......YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING!

Only the other night i went to watch the missus play another gig ,like the good groupie i am ,or would like to be given any opportunity. I wont name the club or even the location of the unsaid club,cos ,basically i'd like to carry on living for a bit longer. I'm not greedy seeking immortality ,or anything like that ,but a few more years would be much appreciated. And being a Leatherbarrow , coming from a long noble proud line of cowards i'm not about to compromise this simple ambition. The reason i'm keeping schtum and writing this in the dark of the back of the garage, wearing a false beard and one of the missus's dresses is so i wont be seen or recognised ,or draw attention to myself ,is because i'm living in fear for my life.
The unsaid club was sold out for the 'gig'. The tickets sold so well that the DJ decided to print a pile ofhis own extra tickets. The place was 'chokka'!....People were turned back there was murder,the bar was murder, oh we had such fun. The thing was ,tho. The place was mainly full of women ,and rough? Rough doesn't even begin to describe them .Hard as nails . I'm Liverpool/Irish, and more than used to rough houses and bad language ,etc,etc and general family entertainment. But nothing like this ,i was genuinley terrified of these 'ladies' effin' n' blinding ,guzzling pints .I have never seen women drink pints of Mild ,or Guiness virtually 'in one'.Thankfully, the band went down 'a storm',gawd bless 'em.Then at the end of the night ,there was fights all over and outside in the rainy streets....All women ,every one . The fairer sex?

THE WANDERER,TIM(REGGIE PERRIN) LEATHERBARROW,RETURNS!!!!

Reading about that bloke who dissapeared 5n'1/2 years ago. Then he suddenly walks into a London police station to announce he's not dead ,but got caught in heavy traffic on the A1 coming down from the North East after his canoe run aground,or something. This episode brought back memories of a painful time for me,when i once dissappeared.I didn't throw myself into the sea ,as Warrington isn't too close to the coast,and it was too cold to be bothered travelling .So,symbolically shedding my old life, i stripped off my cloths in the utility room on the way into the studio. The studio's such a shit'ole that nobody would ever find me .I neededto 'solve some issues and find myself'.I found myself after about 5,1/2 days,thought about it ,and decided i was better off not finding myself, and decided the journey of discovery was a waste of time. So ,i got up and announced to the world i was back ,unable to remember the hell i'd been through in the studio(i mean it hadn't been tidied in months.)..Nobody believed me .It was claimed the missus claimed my life insurance,as she was seen ordering a chinese takeaway and putting a gallon of petrol in the car.And because the mother in law was coming to visit...It's all rubbish ! Nobody had noticed i'd even gone

CARRY ON UP THE KHYBER, SHOULD BE OUR MILITARY INSPIRATION.

AAARRRGGHH!..IT IS THE DEVILS WHO WEAR NO BUTTONS IN

THEIR FLIES!!!!!................

In response to the last blog announcement about me taking on the part time post of Minister of Defence, the lovely SIMON ELINAS, cartoonist /caricaturist and all round enthusiast got in touch. He commented about me using the soldiers i ussually have for breakfast. I was going to reply along the lines of, how they would have ',egg on their faces'. When it's normally the politicians who would. This witty banter reminded me of when i were ,'nowt but a lad!'. When , if your flies were open, you were said to have ,'egg on your face/chin.' I had a vision of our brave boys marching erect ,steely eyed and square jawed into battle with their flies wide open to the blazing sun ,and the scorching desert winds. That should frighten the local baddies back into the hills. Reminicient of the wonderful 'CARRY ON UP THE KHYBER.' Where the THIRD FOOT N' MOUTH, Known to the enemy BHURPERS, ruled by the evil BUNGDIT DIN,as the 'DEVILS IN SKIRTS'. When the 'Devils 'showed the Bhurpers they weren't wearing anything under their kilts they fled in terror.
Just maybe 'our boys' with their flies wide open could ellicit a similar response. The locals would be in awe and fear of ,'THE DEVILS WHO WEAR NO BUTTONS IN THEIR FLIES.'

CLEANING THE HOUSE,CARTOONING ,WAGING WARS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN,THEN WALK THE DOGS!....

It's a 24 hour ,7day a week job running the country. No rest for our fine body of ministers working full-time , non stop ,in a variety of departments and ministries. Everything from the dept of screwing things up; Minister for spin,soundbites and general bullshit; Dept of bungs and back handers ,under the minister for Dodgy donations. And focus groups and research panels into the best Prime Minister hairstyle ,to the best shape for the Great British Tea bag ,(square ,round ,triangular?)..It's all vital stuff in keeping whats left of Britain great. It struck me as funny the only part time job was the Minister of Defence. With 'Our boys'out in a variety of wars ,or policing actions ,as the Yanks are keen to call'em. The countries on a bright red security alert due to our jolly terrorist threat .Only this morning on Sky news ,the Home secretary told us to have a happy xmas shop,but just look out for the odd terrorist 'Dirty bomb'. So, with all this there obviously isn't enough to keep somebody occupied full time .
So, i 've applied for the post as Minister of defence. I can do some cartoon work ,hoover up the house,wash the dishes ,walk the dogs ,pick up the daughter from school; And ,plan operations in Afghanistan and Iraq,and possibly prepare operations against Iran. With the cordless phone i can potter about the house and still liase with MI5&6,over terrorist 'stuff'. As long as they don't call me about 3 o'clock ,as i normally have a peice of toast and 'put the kettle on while 'Frasier's on the telly .But otherwise Great Britain and the defence of the realm is in good hands,and is my main priority.My Missus agrees,only as long as the house is clean ;the dogs walked ;she's at school. ....And then, lest we forget my insightful/finger on the pulse cartoons. I've just found out i have to cut 1Billion off the MOD budget. I'll do my bit .I'll use my own pens and wont charge for all the tea bags(round) i go through organising our armed forces around the world.

MOTOWN, BLOOD ,SWEAT N' SPIT-VALVES

The other week i went to see the Missus play her first 'gig' in a recently formed motown band. She also plays trombone in a swing orchestra as well as a Ska band. It was from the Ska band that the Motown band was formed. She's no great fan of Motown ,but she's loving playing. I have to say it went really well. The crowd were 'up fer it' and really enjoyed it, as did the Missus ,who was terrified before they started playing. It came as no suprise to me, her faithful husband/groupie,as i know how good she is. But what did astound, amaze and suprise me was the amount of use my dearly beloved made of her spit-valve....There was gallons coming out of the bloody thing, every few seconds so it seemed to me. The front three rows of the audience must've nearly drowned. Aside from that ,there was the ankle deep puddle around her ankles(thats how i worked out the depth you see!)....There was all the electric cables for the speakers and amps, etc .I half expected a bright flash n' a loud bang and a more than slightly singed missus smoking away on the suddenly darkened stage.

We've been married now a good few years and i thought i knew her well .But, i never dreamed she could produce so much spit .She'd have been great in our school where we all used to walk the streets (never the playground) gobbing all over the pavements ,cos we was 'dead hard'. Next time we have a 'kiss n' a cuddle', i think i may need to bring a snorkel and a set of flippers.

Actually ,if you want to have a look at a few clips ot THE MOTOWN BAND, on you tube,put on by somebody called TERRY T POTT (TerryTpott)..Those of you who know Lynne (the Missus) will clearly see her about her tuneful duties. Go on ,have a look ,i guarantee you wont get wet.

PARP TOOT N' SPLOOSH!!!

TRAVELLING THE WORLD MEETING TOTALLY UNINTERESTING MOVIE STARS CELEBRITIES AND COMEDIANS.

Every time i turn the telly on ,there seems to be another 'Star' of stage ,screen n' soap travelling to 'out of the way places around the globe. Bravely travelling alone in their various odd n'odder modes of transport, alone except for their camera crew. And for those that make apoint of showing they're travelling with a crew, there's a second crew to film the star and the first crew. They're all jumping on the' travel the world freebie bandwagon'. Especially the comedians. Michael Palin doesn't pretend to be a funny guy on his travels, just seems to enjoy himself and its infectious ,my missus just loves him. The others ,well the main source of amusement for me is watching the locals in Africa or Mongolia looking at this nutter fronting these camera and sound crews and wondering 'what the bloody hell is he on about.'(in African ,or Mongolise,of course.)...You never saw the comedians in the old days 'oohing and aaahhin' at Silver backed gorillas in the wild;Frankie Howard ,Sid James ,Bernard Manning ,Kenneth Williams,Benny Hill,etc,etc.Ahh, the mind boggles doesn't it.But there's bound to be the next batch of would be globe trotters lining up their journeys and modes of transport for the next batch for all of us who are staying at home to suffer through. I always thought that Silver Backed Gorillas were dying out ,on the verge of extinction. But wherever a celebrity goes in these programmes, theres always an episode where they're whispering 'oohhs n' aahhs and outstandings!' to camera, as they spy on a family of gorillas. We're overun with the bloody things ,i tell you.

The first pantomime horse to cross the Sahara Desert.

'HOW'S IT FEEL TO BE THE FIRST CELEBRITY PANTOMIME
HORSE TO CROSS THE SAHARA DESERT ,ALONE ON HOOF?'

THE LITTLE RICHARD OF THE COMPUTER KEYBOARD (Or does the computer hate me more than i hate the computer?)

As ever i was going to change the course of history with the power of my inciteful/finger on the pulse cartoons on this here blog, as read by the rich n' powerful people who matter all over the world. Well,if they want to stay at the top of their various trees it wouldn't do them any harm to tune into my inciteful/finger on the pulse comments and cartoons. I apologise for todays lack of such 'stuff'. Don't blame me ,blame the missus.
I got a call from my dearly beloved,(thats the missus,by the way.)..She wanted me to E-mail her photo page from her passport to her. It sounded fairly straightforeward even to a computer luddite like myself. I set to scanning and even managed that ,no sweat. Swelled with pride at my technological breakthrough, i put the kettle on!.....Next came the E-mailing bit. A few attempts and i got nowhere .....So, i put the kettle on again!.....Re-scanned the passport page on another document, and tried again. No fxxxx'in' luck!, So, iput the kettle on again and went through the whole rigmarole again, no luck...Didn't put the kettle on ,went for a pee, instead. Then ,put the kettle on!.....Went through it all again . The language was getting more colourful and the finger impacts on the keyboard was increasing somewhat......So, put the kettle on! Came back ,and went back to the beginning ,and ....I DID IT!!!!!....At last the bloody thing was sent off. I celebrated by putting the kettle on,by the way. Now ,every single document on the computer has the Missus's smiling face looking out at me.It's like she's there watching me all day ,making sure i don't look at nudie ladies, or buy comics n' dvd's on e- bay....As if i'd ever do such things ,i'm a respectable cartoonist putting the world to rights .....S'cuse me ,i've got to go,ithink the kettles boiling. (And theres a boxed set of FireballXL5 dvd's due for auction soon. )

IT'S NOT ONLY THE GOVERMENT REPEATEDLY MAKING BLOODY STUPID MISTAKES, EVEN CARTOONISTS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO AS WELL.

The goverment are showing themselves to be the crappiest and crudiest set o' tossers since the last lot. They're so bad , they're great! And they keep smiling ,admittedly through clenched teeth and bullshitting their way through, so they deserve our respect. The country might be in an uncontrollable nosedive,on ,basically every level(financial,security,football,etc,etc,etc,), but thats beside the point. Biggins and Rodney Marsh are still on ',I'm a celebrity.' So, thats alright then . Gordon Brown and his gang of teeth n' suits are at their lowest in popularity and public confidence. I thought i'd do an inciteful/finger on the pulse cartoon to show how the goverment would twist/spin the facts. So, i set to scribbling..............

........Until i noticed that my inciteful/finger on the pulse cartoon was one i used on a previous article on this here blog site, when i was being inciteful and fingering pulses, as us cartoonists do.(?)....So, there you go , The blogs worse than the bloody telly for showing repeats.

LOOK FAMILIAR ?

Heap o' lion shit

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH , THE TOUGH START CRYING FOR THEIR MUMMY !

Every where you look there's trendy gym's. Where once they were little places in side streets in city centres, where you'd walk up creaky old wooden staircases to a large mouldy carpeted couple of rooms with battered punchbags swinging from dangerously rusted hooks hanging from dangerously mouldy/damp roof joists. The dangerously sounding creaking of the bag n' ceiling was drowned out by the sound of metal weights banging and clanging away as various club bouncers and city gangsters lifted and dropped loose weighted bars back on to the floor causing the whole building to shake dangerously. Now, thats all gone .The gym's are all huge places the size of the average Asda store .Loose weights have dissapeared and been replaced by a variety of machines which work on the biggest to the smallest most inaccessable muscle you may have depending on which Heath Robinson device you go for. The main difference is the lines and lines of treadmills so ,for some reason people can pay the ridiculous membership fees to just run on the spot. In some cities ,i remember seeing it first when i once went to New York(i used to get around y'know.) But, what i saw was a whole block ,and through the windows was hundreds of people running on the spot, i couldn't believe it. Now you can watch the telly as you run with each treadmill with it's own telly.
I can live with this quest for the body beautiful by the beautiful people ,all the membership packages ,personal trainers ,etc,etc. But, apparently some people have started their babies on an excercise regime ,with personal trainers ,etc. The poor kids in their SHELL NAPPIES, or is it TRACK NAPPIES crawling on the treadmills watching THE TELLYTUBBIES,or whatever before their DUMMY RAISES or TEDDY LIFTS to work on their six pack ,or six milk carton. It's comforting to know the world is going crazier. In years to come we'll all be nutters ,but we'll all be fit nutters.

EVEN THE EAGLES WOULDNT DARE GO WHERE RICHARD BURTON AND CLINT EASTWOOD WOULD DARE!!!!!

If i turn on the telly and stumble across the snowy Austrian mountain opening sequence with the sound of a turbo prop aircraft being gradually drowned out by an increasingly loud regular drum beat, then 'dead dramatic' music.....Then it can only mean one thing. Its...WHERE EAGLES DARE!....Yet again and i'm hooked for the next 2 hours or whatever as Clint and Richard wipe out the German army, yet again. I've only seen it 341/2 times this year. TCM show it about 3 times/week ,on average. So, i've not watched it more times than its actually broadcast, which ,makes me slightly less of a sad bastard than i could potentially be , sometimes its probably a good thing not actually reaching your full potential.. But it's a great ol' film anyhow and explains how we won the war.

                          Obviously with spies of the calibre of Clint n' Richard, we couldn't go wrong. 'Dead hard n' mean',and Richard Burton being 'dead clever', as well. The germans were stupid ,slow and couldn't use their weapons as good as our boys. 50 German soldiers would open fire on Clint and only hit the wall. Then Clint would step out,give 'em a steely 'Clint glint' which obviously intimidated the Germans as they didn't open fire and stood there as Clint blew them all apart.

                                     Then we have the hand grenades. When 'we' throw a grenade it lands in the middle of the ,machine gun nest, Tank turret,or whatever and explodes right on cue, inflicting the maximum damage possible. Not the Germans tho'. They throw their stick grenades underhand and they clatter along the floor to Clints feet ,Clint then calmly bends down to pick it up ,swings his arm back and throws it back. It sails through the air, hits the ground ,clatters along the corridor until it arrives back with its owner then, finally explodes. The Germans were very soft as well ,as they always got killed .Whereas 'our lot',only get wounded. You don't mess with Clint n' Richard, Even the Eagles wouldn't dare. Ahh, it's a great ol' film.

BROADSWORD CALLING DANNY BOY!

SOD THE BABIES AND THEIR I.Q. MIDDLE AGED CARTOONISTS NEED BREAST FEEDING TOO.

Apparently extensive study and research has revealed what every mother since time began already knows. That, breast feeding is good for babies. And ,more importantly better for the daddy .As he doesn't have to get up and give bottles to the little darlings at the ungodly hours they develop 'thirsts'. Mum can get up and do the natural thing. Ah ,ol' ma Nature she can be a good ol' girl ,sometimes. But, not all the time. Apparently breast feeding is good for developing a high I.Q. So, in a quest to increase my mental abilities. which can only help my creativity .Making me a better cartoonist. Leading to more ,higher paid work .So, the family would reap the benefits and we'd all live happily ever after.I decided i would (re)start breast feeding.It didn't do much first time round ,But, if at first you don't succeed!.....
So, i leapt at my beloved wifes breasts. And all i got for my well-intentioned grope was a 'smack in the gob!'..... After a few more slaps( to bring me round,you understand) .She explained thatIt's babies IQ's that are improved by breast feeding. Not,as it turns out ,rather unfairly in my mind , 47 year old cartoonists, whose I.Q. must be almost in double figures. Life can be a bitch, as can ol ma nature.

ATTACKING THE LAWYERS,IT'LL END IN TEARS,WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM THE TEAR GAS GRENADES.

See! Even the worst of presidents can sometimes come up with a good idea. Set your armed riot squads ,army ,police ,whatever, on the lawyers. Hit the lawyers doesn't that sound wonderful. The world felt sympathy for the budhist monks the other week. But, lawyers? I can't feel the wave of anger and anguish sweeping the globe.And i'm ashamed to say.My social conscience wasn't inflamed and i slept long and deeply ,waking refreshed to a lovely sunny day. I still remember getting well Hammered/screwed by my lawyer when i had 'troubles ',a few years back. Anyhow ,if they're any good ,they can take the authorities to court ,or something legal like that. Now that we've seen that its a potential vote winner . How about giving our lawyers a bit of a 'seein' to',Mr Prime minister. Just t o show how much we love 'our boys in the suits'.
I remember my lawyer charged by the second. All those demonstrating lawyers in Pakistan,i wonder have they got their clock running while they're shouting and yelling ;and getting tear gassed. I can,t imagine them giving up their precious time to be beaten up for free!

Help save an obscenely overpaid proffessional footy player today!

It seems our less than mathmatically gifted politicians have got their figures wrong again. The sports minister ,Gerry Sutcliffe ,after slagging off Chelsea's John Terry for his obscene weekly wage of 150,000 pounds. It turns out is nowhere near that .It is only a mere weakly 130,000 pounds. Dear god ! Just how is a man meant to live;Feed his family/Wags;Afford mansions and luxury appartments;Blast around in the finest motors under the influence of the finest drink n drugs. I don't know ,but we have to help.
Our fine sports minister,who, i'm sure isn't anywhere near obscenely overpaid(all goes on expenses.). He claims Chelsea are running an unsustainable business.So, the club needs money ,as many of our beloved premier clubs do. This is backed up by the claims that Manchester United are'Pricing out the rank n' file supporters' .So, theres the Problem and the answer. All you Rank n file footy fans 'dig deep. Forget a few pints and a bite to eat with 'yer mates 'and stuff. Football isn't to be enjoyed. How can you spend your hard earned pathetic pittance on luxuries like these when your clubs need your money . You'll suffer in the end ,the players filled with money worries wont be happy players, and an unhappy player isnt going to play well . Think about it ,how would you like to be in poor John Terry's boots?

The premier league needs you !..(.And your wallet n' piggy bank.)

Jeremy Clarkson and his reasonably priced telly award.

A liver tough as a karate masters knuckle

No drink or bacon butties, this healthy living'll be the death of me.

Oh ,god!,here we go again. This time last year i think red meat and red wine (in moderation) was good for you . Now red meat, drink,etc,etc, gives you cancer .So, stop it. And stuff your face with 5.5cwt of fresh fruit n' veg /day,and you'll live forever. As an out n' out carnivore. As well as having been known to guzzle the odd tipple. I know this to be a load of usual goverment 'soundbite' Bxxxxxxks! On the few occassions i've been forced to eat a veggie diet, I and those around me have had to suffer the effects of healthy living on a system brought up on Guiness ,bacon butties and various forms of grease gristle n' fat. This healthy stuff manifests itself, in my case. With the most horrendous attacks of wind n' various forms of flatulance (un)imaginable. If thats what health does for you ,i'd better stay away from naked flames ,oh and please refrain from using mobile phones around me.



There's also the Height/Weight ratio 'stuff'. I ,being what can in some cases be described as a 'shortarse'(i'll leave out ,'little get',which often completes the description.)....Well, i always get told on weight machines i weigh too much for my height. Everybody knows that muscle is heavier than fat. I'm being punished for being a'shortarsed,little powerhouse'. Every ,short'house gets told they need to loose weight, even if they're olympic athletes. But do the tall lanky streaks of 'pee' get told to loose a few lbs's, i think not.



But if your worried, which ,I doubt most of you are ,you can make sure. There's two types of people. The 'UNWORRIED ILL.' Which ,is probably most of us. And then theres, the 'WORRIED WELL'. Who cause the fuss. Living on fruit juice and lettuce they're convinced they're dying .Esspecially as they're liver has been destroyed by reading the label on a wine bottle last xmas. They can cure or compound their phobia by doing a self test on their liver with a special kit ,just brought out. I don't think i'll be asking Father xmas for one .I'll plug it into my arm ,or whatever and wait for the buzzers to buzz;The lights to flash,and the bells to clang. I've a toughened ,beaten n' battered little liver.Like a karate masters knuckle, it's been 'conditioned' through the years,and it may not be pretty,but it'll handle a few more bacon butties and pints of Guiness and red wine for a wee wee(the drink!) while to come.

You don't have to be stupid n' uneducated to go into politics ,but it helps.

Home ,Not so much Jet lagged ,more jet shagged-out!

Thomas cook-up n' Manchester Airport. Together they can reduce immigration figures for the goverment.

AAAAhh! Home ,at last . Holidays're great ,but it's always nice to come home .Esspecially when you've had to trust yourself to the tender loving care of those twisted bastards at Manchester Airport and Thomas Cook-Up. Who want you to have a true holiday abroad and experiance all that international travel has to offer in the limited time you have available. So, on top of our ,has to be said .Very pleasurable stay in a hotel in Ibizia, with plenty of food and drink,etc. They very kindly threw in what felt like a week at Manchester airport. Hours of delays, with their impressive array of shops,cafe's ,retaurants and bars...ALL CLOSED!!(or closing.) Then .Another couple of hours sitting developing our piles and rheumatism on the plane ,as technical problems were being addressed???

On our return from far off lands to Manchester Airport. I think that the people who run it are so proud of it ,they're frightened of us just rushing through and not paying attention to what a wonderful airport they have. So, they cunningly make you wait a couple of hours for your bags to rattle through on the 'carousel'.

I think i'll have a word with a few of these immigrants that the goverment have horribly miscalculated the numbers flooding in,and see how they get about with such seeming ease.'Cos i'm bloody sure it's not with Thomas Cook-Up n' Manch' Airport. Because , if it was , i think the goverment figures'd be a little nearer the mark .

Hopefull y when we come home we'll have a world champion AND a world cup

Ol' Farts going on holiday

My beloved missus, after spending 6 weeks looking at photos of hotel swimming pools, has decided we're going to one in Ibizia, for a week. My 9 yr old(going on 50) is thoroughly disgusted that we're not going to the ,Wild ,crazy ,clubbing pubbing, sex n fun,etc, etc in the sun part .But are crashing by a bar in the ol' farts part of the island , to sit watch the world go by ;Drink it under the table ,reading Richard and Judies 'Book of the month' at the same time. Gawd, We know how to enjoy ourselves, Who needs 18-30's an' all that?

Another Brit abroad, doin' me bit.

Cartoonists appreciation of other cartoonists

Why all cartoonists are bastards except for me!

A cartoonists lot is not a happy one .Lonely days trying to squeeze inspiration ,genius and humour out of that mushy lump laughingly called a brain. Then when you do strike a nugget of genius ,you just have to sit 'n' wait for the REJECTION SLIP!!!!Ahh, the REJECTION SLIP!!! Then when you do get work published ,getting paid is almost as bigger laff as the original 'gag'(i always hated that word for some reason.)....I know i'm not alone in my gripping ,in fact its often been said ,a collective noun for a group of cartoonists should be something like a ;Grumble/moan /complaint of cartoonists. These're my kind o' guys!Failures 'n'deadbeats...

As i said , if you've been paying attention. A cartoonists life is often a quiet ,lonely one ,straining for ideas. When you hear of other cartoonists ,its normally when their works appeared somewhere, or at some kind of social 'piss up'. So, they're in 'good form'. So, it seems to my embittered mind that everybody except me is picking great ideas out of the ether;Editors are pestering them to hurry up and deliver their work ,and life is wonderful being a cartoonist.When i'm looking at other peoples work ,they always seem to have solved the compositional problems and such that i seem to be plagued with. And the lovely ideas were stuff i'd've gotten around to thinking up eventually. I know i hadn't thought the ideas up yet ,but i still consider it creative theft. My god! How do you people sleep at night?...Probably quite easily, ya "£$%&*'s.

...WHAT HAPPENS WHEN MERE MORTALS TRY TO WEAR THE RUGBY SHIRTS OF THE GODS!.

Apparently theres a shortage of England Rugby shirts available, as for now Rugby's the new Soccer( especially after last night.) .But the thing i can't figure is why. These scientifically designed high density material moulded 'overskins' look bloody un comfortable on the supreme athletes they were fitted for. Lets just say that most of us can't really ,in all honesty describe ourselves as 'supreme athletes'.And leave it at that. So, gawd knows what sights'll be seen around boozers all over the weekend and probably not too much longer, as the wearers will find themselves straining to breath and drink, as their ,Middle aged spreadings ,Love handles 'n' good ol' beer belly is forced up into their chest cavity ,as their heart and lungs are pushed up into their neck and head. And the brain ,oh they'll leave that in a box at home.
Bring back the loose ol' baggy cotton shirts they were comfy and covered a multitude of sins. My missus looks quite sexy in her ol'baggy rugby shirt, even if it is Welsh.

Tight shirt for the loose body

Donating sperm for Guinness

My beloved missus came back from a 'business trip' to London with a copy of theLondon Evening Standard. After catching up with the events of the day, the state of the world/nation ,etc,etc. My attention was captured by an advert looking for Sperm Donors. All expenses paid. I could start attending some of the cartoonist meetings. Surely my 'donations'd' be worth a train fare and a few pints in the cartoonist. To replenish my reduced fluid levels, you understand.

So,Don't worry, when it's my round and i nip out with a plastic bucket and this months 'Big jugs for men', for 10 minutes ,or so. I've got to do something to earn my expenses, and pay those London rates for a pint of Guinness.

Weapon of mass destraction

'IT'S A WEAPON OF MASS DESTRACTION.'

Do you need to reheat a cold war

The other day the news was full of how Senator Convertable Rice had been sent by our beloved president Bush to calm the Russians down. For some reasons they were a little put out at the Yanks wanting to base 'A whole heap 'o' Nuclear missiles' virtually on the Russian borders as part of a missile defensive screen. (Does anyone remember a place called Cuba ,a few years ago?). Revenge may be a dish best served cold. But is a cold war in need of reheating?

John Simpson was interviewed by 'Parky' the other day .And ,in reference to Convertable Rice and others 'at the top',He said they didn't really know what the hell was going on, they just wanted',To please the boss!'. Then today they showed a film called ,'The day after.'About a Nuclear strike and the resultant devastation. A great film, it scared the shit outta me. The weaponary's bad enough. But it's the nutters(politicians) who launch them ,they're the ones to be 'very afraid' of. Ooh Boy, ithink i'll start digging the shelter now.

England v Soth Ifrikah

Much to everybodies shock and amazement England are in the world cup final(RU)...The bookies odds were astronomical, but they've probably settled into a slightly lower orbit now. But, apparently the R.F.U didn't hold out much hope for our boys either. So, they didn't bother to insure themselves against having to pay out the 80,000pound bonus/man ,if they win the final. So, if England do win, the R.F.U.'re going to get a good hammering. I wonder if any of that fine body of gentlemen would have things crossed in the desperate hope the Soth Ifrikahn's will win. Surely not, the mere thought .

IT'S A GREAT TIME FOR BALLS OF BOTH SHAPES!!!!

Well, well ,what a day for sport . ;The 'footy 'n' The Rugger;'N' me sprawled across the couch ,perfecting the arts of picking ,scratching 'n' squeezing bits of my anatomy...Ah, it's the sporting life for me.

It was a great day for balls of both shapes.

WITH THE FOOTBALL AND RUGBY IT'S A GREAT TIME FOR BALLS OF BOTH SHAPES

You do yer best to bring money into the house

On the radio the goverment ,gawd bless 'em ,want to ,'Promote the traditional family unit'. So, make a variety of tax benefits for people who get married. I thought 'hang on', i'll nip out 'n'n get married ;Have a party ;A honeymoon.Make a few bob. And ,as they say 'Bob's yer uncle'....But would the missus let me?..No way .My creativity is being stifled in every direction. God, you just can't win.

Who sez romance is dead

Tonight the telly's mine(if that's ok with' them.'

Well, tonights the night ,we beat the Aussies last week ,but according to my Welsh father in law .The English don't play proper Rugby .And he can't stand watching them. The Australians 'd probably agree...Funny that!. Tonight the real ol' enema's The French!!!!!!!

If the telly people can squeeze the game on ,in between the bloody X- factor and celebrity limbo dancing and Ant 'n' Dec go the chippy ,or whatever . I may catch a few minutes of 1/2 time.

The ol' enemy

On the bright side the unpopularity polls are up!

More Rugby;The throw in 'n' up!

Paul McCartney and Heather Ex McCartney

Darling and Osborne

PETE TOWNSHEND,(fingers not included)

The 'orrible 'oo'' play a VW van
rally in Germany(?)

No noose is good noose.

This was drawn about some foreign
cartoonists who were arrested and i think
executed for their cartoons. It's great
being in a country where you can
draw what you want....It's just that there's
no one to publish them anymore.

You must be choking!

Ways to keep a cartoonist happy

Brown 'n' Cameron, The cut 'n' thrust of politics???